About 6 years ago I found 100 ish messages on my husband's phone from a younger female work colleague. This was 8 months into our marriage and after we'd been together approx 4 years. He'd given me his phone to use the camera (my phone memory was full) and then gone to bed. I had some weird feeling of something being wrong and so I checked his phone. Not something I'm proud of but I did. I've always been insecure since my first husband left after a 2 year affair, which I'd never known anything about. My new husband always knew this about me from the start and he promised he wasn't like that. The reason I checked the phone that night was due to over the few years of dating my new husband, he'd been pretty indiscrete once with sharing a very personal message from me to him with a very brief ex GF and also someone else, a work colleague. He'd promised at the time never to do that again. Over the years he's also had his ex wife constantly calling and messaging, even 5 times on our wedding day (!) and he's never called her out for her disrespectful behaviour. He's so non-confrontational with everyone and he never stands up to anyone or fights my corner. Its not as if his ex wife wanted to be with him as she'd broken up with him years before I met him and even has her own BF but because she has (grown up) children with my husband its as if she still has a right to call/text day and night about anything that comes into her head - often not related to their children. Anyway, going back to the young work colleague...their messages seemed to centre around her needing comfort as she'd recently broken up with another work colleague they both knew. She kept saying how much she loved his (my husband's) cuddles. always asking when he was next going to be in the office (he works off-site a bit) as he gave the best cuddles. I couldn't believe what I was reading. All this had happened the year before our wedding and while we were newly engaged and planning our wedding. He didn't seem to massively encourage anything other than one message that read "you know you want me". That one sentence totally broke my heart as I never saw it coming or expected my husband could do that to me. It was as if I never knew him or he never loved me, was how I saw it. I'd never have flirted with any work colleague - why would I when I had such an amazing man in my life, something I thought he felt about me? I lost it big time! I confronted him, asked who she was but he denied knowing anyone by that name, eventually admitting he did and he just worked with her, when I said I'd seen the messages. He said it was harmless, he'd seen her crying one day in the staff room and put a friendly arm around her shoulder. That wasn't what I'd read on her side. Long story short....I was so distraught that after a few months of him treading on egg shells around me but also not talking about what had happened leading to the major issues we were now having, I said we should go to marriage guidance. We did this for a few sessions but it didn't seem to help as he just said he was sorry if he upset me but wouldn't open up to what happened when we were there. Back home he kept saying it wasn't an affair and it was just a couple of friendly hugs. This turned into about a dozen hugs but I never felt I got the full story out of him as what he said kept changing and so he point blank refused to discuss anything more about it. I don't think it went any further but he just wouldn't ever really admit or deny anything. Six years on and we're still together. We go out, go on holiday, do things together, have a laugh but it feels very superficial as I've just completely switched off. I feel totally dead and empty inside. I've tried to have feelings for him but its as if a tap was switched off and that's it now. There's nothing intimate between us any longer and he's now stopped trying to initiate anything physical. Since this happened all those years ago, we've been intimate maybe half a dozen times. although not for 2 years now. I just don't love him any longer because he completely broke my heart. I thought he understood how fragile my self esteem was, due to my ex husband's affair, and that he'd always look after my heart as I've always done with him. When he used to try and initiate anything I'd turn away as I couldn't bring myself to feel anything towards him and I didn't want to trust or feel vulnerable with him again. I'm so desperate for love and affection though and miss being close and intimate with someone. We're both still in our 50s and I know I can't be like this for the rest of my life. I'd never have an affair that's for certain. We can't afford to split up (very complicated as we have an elderly relative living with us and owning part of the house) and he says he wants to be with me and always has but he's clueless how to make this right, as am I. We used to be so good together and our physical relationship was amazing but now I don't feel anything. I know what I should do (split up) but I can't bring myself to do it. I'm so low as it is. I don't think I'd cope mentally being on my own again, especially given I felt my 2nd husband was my 2nd chance to be happy and for a few years I really was. In my head I don't feel he would have the confidence to have cheated with this work colleague and its because he can never say no to being nice to people, I feel he didn't know how to stop a weird situation she'd created. If he could talk to me about what happened, what really happened, then maybe we can move on but knowing him as I do, I do know when he's lying about something and I know something more happened but he won't tell me what. I think at the time he saw how broken I was and was scared I'd leave and so he couldn't tell me the whole story and as time has gone on, he can't be bothered to tell me now. Maybe he thinks I might call it a day if I finally know the full story. I've always said if I knew the truth then I'd know what I was dealing with but he just won't talk about it any longer. If tables were turned I would talk until he had every answer he needed to forgive me and allow us to move on but how can anything be sorted when he said he'd done talking? I've thought about asking one of his male colleague friends what happened (I'm friends with him too) but feel he wouldn't want to hurt me or be disloyal to my husband if he did know something and I've even thought about contacting the now ex female work colleague and ask her directly. I feel if I do this though I might stir a hornet's nest and if my husband finds out he might actually call time on the marriage as this would be a step too far for me to take. Can anyone give me some advice please?