How to respond?

[MissingSlimpossible]

How would you respond when your partner uses the excuse of their work being the root of our problems? Always "so stressed", their job is "more important" or "puts the roof over our head."

For context, I feel like a single mum. I do all the childcare sorting, mental load, organisation, school run for our children on top of dealing with medical conditions and I work full time myself.

I am lonely. I crave meeting someone and feeling happy but I'm torn between my own selfish needs and uprooting my children. Their needs will always come before mine so I feel like I could stick it out until they grow older.

He drinks, everyday. I'm sick of him being disengaged, making no effort, falling asleep on the sofa every evening.

God I am fed up. I can't believe I have become this person who accepts this. I'm just so torn for my children but I am deeply miserable and I know I deserve so much more

There are a few different things there.

He isn't doing his fair share. I'd book a night out with the girls, hand over to him when he got home, and say 'see you later'. At least twice a month. Don't allow him to opt out.

He's falling asleep on the sofa every night. Why? Is he doing 14 hour days? Drinking too much alcohol? Watching porn in the early hours? Is he ill? I'd try to get to the bottom of why. It could be stress but it can be dealt with.

How is he when on holiday? Does he revert to the man you fell for?

You can be the person who no longer accepts this. He is gaslighting you into thinking he's so more hard done than you are. The poor baby.

Get rid of this man child and move forward. He is doing nothing but holding you back.

I'd try to get to the bottom of why.

Would you, now? Really? It isn't the op's fucking job to micromanage this loser. Why do you think it's her responsibility to make sure he's pulling his weight?

FFS.

@aquamarine I was falling asleep on the sofa at 6pm, three years ago. My 13yo son, finally asked me why I was sooooo tired.

A good thing he did - I had stage two breast cancer.

Sometimes it takes for someone who loves you, and is worried, to ask a question.

Unfortunately it is due to alcohol. No other reasons except it. His problems are always worse than mine. His stresses always bigger than mine, more important. Work is always the excuse for being grumpy, being stressed. I have done everything I can to help - I've made appointments with doctors, I've got anti-anxiety prescriptions for him that he won't take.

I am sick of being lonely 😞.

I'm sick of planning all the childcare myself, their needs for clothing / shoes and having to ask for help to contribute to these costs. Sometimes he says he can't help towards these but that very night he can afford to drink.

I know what I need to do. I just can't bring myself to be the one to have the courage and finally do it, knowing I will break my children's heart. 😞

Sorry to hear that Meadowfinch, I hope you're on the road to recovery

I'm not sure about your motivation to leave being wanting to be with someone else.

Someone else will come with their own baggage - and blending families or bringing a stepparent into your children's lives is complicated and hard to negotiate well.

I can fully get on board with leaving a man who appears to have an alcohol problem, possibly sliding into alcoholism and who is disengaged from family life, though.

We are already a blended family. Sorry for the drip feeding, I am trying not to out myself.

His teen children have lived with us for some time. They are great and we have a close relationship, so no issues on that front.

It's not even the appeal of meeting someone else. I am just sick of feeling inadequate, lonely, I know I would be happier without him, I just can't find the courage to make that final decision and leave with our children. I fear for his children too and the upset this would cause them. I don't want to split siblings apart.

I feel like I have to just accept the way things are. I feel trapped 😞

Personally I don't think growing up with an alcoholic on the sofa is better than growing up in a home with one parent.

Thanks OP, yes, reassuringly NED. 👍

If it's down to drink then yes, you need to consider leaving. I left my ex because he was drinking 70+ units a week. I couldn't trust him to drive ds.

Don't be scared. Life became immeasurably easier the week I left. I still did all the child stuff I had always done, but no need to manage my drunk partner as well. I could plan. Invite people round. Have lunchtime dates that were just for the pleasure of adult conversation. I felt lighter & happier.

Your dcs will thank you for getting them out. You can't give up your life for your dscs. That's up to their mum and wider family. Good luck.

I would seen it as leaving to show your kids that his behaviour is not acceptable and you and them deserve better. I always ask myself 'would I want my DD to be in a similar situation?' If the answer is no I choose actions I would recommend to her. I left my marriage last year and I now don't feel lonely every day sitting next to someone who used to make me feel amazing. That type of lonely is the worst type x