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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Long distance advice

11 replies

Starbright548 · 28/04/2024 22:58

Name change for this. I've been with my partner for 3 years. We used to live close by but then he ended it and I moved further away to be close to family. Turns out he regretted it and we got back together and have been long distance for about 9 months. (1 hour plane journey) my issue is I can't seem to have a conversation about what the long term plan is. He says I am being unreasonable and need to focus on the here and now which I am but essentially if we are to be together one eventually one of us would have to move and I personally would like to have an idea in mind of x years or who may move when the time comes. Is this me being overbearing or unreasonable? I dont believe it is as we have been together 3 years total I think its important we discuss this or we are wasting our time if it will never work out in the end or we can't agree on a plan. The other issue I have is that now we are long distance he has gotten rid of me from social media and posts nothing about us which I find strange. He used to put up the odd thing but now nothing and when I questioned him on this he said he has nothing to prove to me and won't be told what to do? Personally I just felt and still do feel hidden. The final thing is he doesn't invite me to things i.e. friends weddings, birthdays etc where as I have asked him to travel over for important family things in my life as we are still a couple but he has always declined. This is going to sound stupid but am I wasting my time here? What doesn't make sense is that he will organise a weekend for us to get together once a month so its like there is some interest there but again its all well below the radar. Well prepared for the influx of why can't you see it as deep down I feel this isn't right. Thanks in advance

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aleesh4 · 28/04/2024 23:04

Hi didn't wanna read and run. Personally I feel he is messing you around. If a man is serious about you he would want to talk about the future instead of brushing you off. Like you mention youve been together for 3 years so it's not like it's new. May I ask why you split up in first place and when you got back together did he initiate contact? You deserve to be with someone who's all in and not behaving like a boy..

Aria999 · 28/04/2024 23:11

You are wasting your time here.

There are no good reasons for any of his behavior that would bode well for the future of the relationship.

Ofcourseshecan · 28/04/2024 23:16

I’m sorry Starbright. You’re being fair and honest with him, hoping to revive a loving relationship, but he’s treating you as a fuckbuddy.

Having a conversation with him may delay the inevitable got a while, but I don’t think there’s any future in this.

You deserve someone better.

Starbright548 · 28/04/2024 23:19

@aleesh4 thanks for the reply. He wasn't sure it was what he wanted anymore. Then he did initiate contact after a week or so. It makes no sense tbh. He will say he doesn't know what he's doing in life or he needs to sort himself out with his new job etc which is fair enough but that doesn't stop you from thinking okay we will do this for so many years. I also find the clear lack of mentioning me strange seeing as he posts literally everything on fb and Instagram

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Upinthenightagain · 28/04/2024 23:20

You are wasting your time.
Men who are serious about you don’t break up with you, they always want to show you off to everyone and you will be left in no doubt about their future plans including you.

Permanentcustardcream · 29/04/2024 08:03

I would end it.

I've just got out of a long distance relationship, which he pursued me, he insisted he wanted etc. We were planning planning for the future and I thought happier than ever, when he ended it out of the blue. He said 'he didn't want to be long distance'.... Bearing in mind it was HIM that talked me into long distance in the first place.

Your guy has already ended it with you once. Raise your standards. He will walk away again when the going gets tough. And it will get tough with distance. I honestly never thought my ex would leave me. I completely trusted him and saw our future together. And he did.

Permanentcustardcream · 29/04/2024 08:03

We were long distance three years btw

Mischance · 29/04/2024 08:11

There is no real future in this.

It depends what you want - are you happy for this causal insular arrangement where the two of you get together now and again but there is no commitment or social acknowledgement of your existence on his side? Is this what you really want?

This is what is on offer. Either you think that is tolerable or you don't.

It seems you don't, but that he is stone-walling any communication on the subject. I do not think this situation is acceptable and my advice to you would be to ditch him completely. Make a proper break and move on with your life.

aleesh4 · 29/04/2024 20:01

@Starbright548 doesn't sound good tbh. He can't seem to make his mind up. Also not having you on social media when he did prior is a red flag.. I know there's feelings involved but my advice would be to leave will be better for you in Long run.

Quitelikeit · 29/04/2024 20:06

Sounds like he’s keeping you in reserve or worse using you!

Very, very strange you haven’t met his nearest and dearest

You know what you need to do it’s just finding the courage.

Starbright548 · 29/04/2024 21:18

Sorry to hear about your experience @Permanentcustardcream it sounds similar to mine. I hope your holding up okay I know its difficult. I'm going to have a serious chat with him tomorrow. Things may change and if I get stonewalled again I am going to end it because the constant thinking about it consumes my life

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