What is wrong with me- hormones or mid life crisis??

[jugglingeverything77]

Hubby is away and he's just told me hes really happy with me and loves me etc. (we've been married 15 years) and I just felt like.....omg I can't genuinely reply the same....what's wrong with me?

I'm perimenopausal and lately I feel so angry when we fight- like I get so angry and inside I'm seething and thinking I don't deserve this and I fantasize what it'd be like to leave him. I don't know if its the hormones or my genuine feelings?

I just feel like this resentment is building and pushing us apart. He clearly doesn't feel that at all.

I don't know what to do. I'm constantly stressed from the amount we do as a family and feel like we don't have enough down time, and also don't even know if I see myself with him in the future....I imagine us old and grey and I think to myself I wish I'd married someone kinder, sweeter, more caring... He can be all of those things but he can also be stubborn, insensitive and mean.

I think it's a mid-life crisis. Like, this is the one life I get, is this what I want forever?? argh!! Can anyone else relate? x

Yes, me. I'm exactly the same. I have no solutions for you as I have no idea if mine is real or driven by hormones. However, I told my husband how I'm feeling as I wanted an amicable separation with no fault either side but he's battling to keep me atm. So I'm staying to keep the family together for now.

Maybe it is and maybe its genuinely the wrong relationship. On the topic of resentment, do you often bite your tongue to avoid the confrontation? Are you doing most of the domestic load? Do you feel taken for granted?

How is he insensitive/mean?

Absolutelyfemale I replied with 'my head is all over the place, maybe it's hormones etc. I tried to be honest. It's awful isn't it, not knowing if it's hormones or whether what I feel is valid/real.

supercali77 Yes I do often avoid confrontation, but sometimes I don't. He can respond differently depending on what mood he's in. We've had fights where he bluntly tells me to stop and won't listen at all which drives me even more insane- of course he thinks I'm in the wrong. Other times I can get my point across but he often won't process it until the following day- when he will sometimes admit he was at fault and apologise. He does do a fair bit to be honest, and I work on a saturday and he does everything plus I often have a drink waiting for me when I get home. The rest of the week I do most of it. It's more the times when he's disrespectful, or insensitive and I just think I don't deserve it and feel like I'm moving apart from him because of what he's said or done.

he can also be critical, get annoyed if dinner isn't on time, or if I make a mistake. He's VERY critical of himself and so has high expectations of others too- it means I'm often not as relaxed when he's at home.

@jugglingeverything77
to answer your question - it can be both.
Peri/M is known to affect moods and how feel. Rage, quick anger, inability to control moods - are very common.
So - the feeling of - ‘i have had enough of this (whatever this is for each of us) - is very very common.

Some women act on it and leave. Some stay and wait it out - those emotional ups/downs do subside - either with HRT, or with time.

It’s hard to tell if it’s mostly hormones or mostly genuine relationship issues. Although - I would say that not many H’s are waxing lyrical about love and being happy to have their W’s after 15years of marriage. So - there is something worth seriously considering there. (Or a basis on which to improve the relationship)

Then, of course, there are the almost impossible odds of meeting someone ‘kinder, sweeter, more caring’ - if you divorce and date in your 40s/50s…

In your place, OP - I’d sort out my hormones. And then maybe got a bit of couple’s counselling to see if there are things you can improve.

And if you still feel the grass is greener - and you are still unhappy - then leave.

It is probably a bit of both as hormones more enhanced will bring things to the surface more and we are less able to hold emotions back. I think the issues in your marriage have always been there and you just kinda put up with it but now less able to because of heightened hormones. A good idea is to talk to your doctor to see about hrt as it really does help even though it may take a while to get the right combination. Is it also possible to sit down with your husband and tell him how you appreciate all he does on a saturday but could he help more in the week as it would really make a big difference to your life and how you are feeling. See how he responds and that should tell you all you need to know, if he loves you he will want to see you less stressed and to help out more. We lose a lot of our empathy when we get into peri-menopause and speak out more for ourselves which is not a bad thing.

I'm on HRT, have been for about 7 ish months now. It's helped with the rage but not with the turmoil.

I just keep thinking maybe relationships have a shelf life, like, why do we have to stay with one person forever? Is it natural? I know it's my brain trying to justify my urge to pack it in and move on. I'm also terrified of divorce, I don't earn enough and would be totally finanically screwed.

I'm not sure him helping out more would help- I mean it would but he does mostly pull his weight when he's home. It's more my lack of gushing love for him- I don't feel it, I mostly notice what's lacking. Maybe that is normal after 15 years.

I have a few days each month, when I'm in my HRT progesterone phase, when I feel irrationally angry with DH 90% of the time. I find myself wanting to run away and be single and not have to deal with the myriad irritations and compromises that are inevitable in married life.

However, I know this is hormonal. It happens like clockwork every month. His behaviour/ responses to daily life don't change, but mine do. And then all of a sudden I'm back to normal again. Every single month.

So what I'm saying is, it might be hormonal, it might not. But if there's a pattern to it, it quite possibly is. On the other hand yes, people do fall out of love. Only you will know whether this is your hormones fucking you about, or something more fundamental in your feelings for your husband.

@jugglingeverything77 100% recognise your feelings. This was me ( perimenapause) up until a few weeks ago. Not sure what’s changed but maybe HRT is finally working or hormones are settling down but feel so much better and love my husband again 😂