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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dd set me back.

5 replies

ginandlime · 28/04/2024 22:19

She is a mix of autism, adhd, intellectually clever (good science based degree) and learning difficulties. I manage her money because she can’t. She used to save quite a bit each month, but a combination of a car (essential for her physical disability) and her fucking weed addiction has reduced her money. I subbed her a bit last month and the month before. So last week said we needed to work something out. She went ballistic, said I should have told her and no wonder she can’t manage if zim not telling her. I was telling her, I let it slide a bit in the hopes it would sort, suggested we talk when I could see it wasn’t going to resolve itself.
Thing is, after rent and bills, she has 850 quid a month. She doesn’t go out, claims she’s barely eating and do I expect her to give up smoking? I’d like her to give up fags and weed, get that it’s a bit much to expect at once.
Anyway, I had years and years of this with her fucking sperm donor, always trying to balance the money, make sure there was enough to feed and clothe the children. I got out (he was arrested, a few years ago. Her reaction and me doing the same old sorting because of weed has put me right back. I’m agitated and weepy and my voice is going. Not a good sign, as the stress in my marriage caused me to all but lose my voice.
im just getting this out really, but I’m worried for myself. Nothing like a good bit of suicidal ideation to rock your weekend.
Sorry.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 28/04/2024 22:34

Don't put up with it.

Tell her your her mother and love her but will not put up with abuse. Until she gives up the weed and treats you with a bit of respect you're not going to help anymore. Point her in the direction of a social worker and her GP but don't give into her tantrums and addictions any more.

goldenretrievermum5 · 28/04/2024 22:35

First thing - never refer to your child’s father as a sperm donor, no matter your/their relationship with them that is incredibly damaging and unacceptable language with regards to your DD. Despite not having a relationship with my father that wording, attitude and negative comparison to him is something that I will always resent my mother for

ginandlime · 28/04/2024 22:36

You’re right, I’m going to be tough, I can’t do this again.

OP posts:
Roundandroundthegard3n · 28/04/2024 22:42

The thing is, you've agreed to be her carer in terms of managing her money because she can't do it. If she isn't capable of seeing or understanding when her money is short, and you're subbing her (does she know you did that?) then her disabilities mean she's going to struggle to understand how things have got to the point where you are telling her she's got it wrong - when you're supposed to be the one who is preventing that. So she probably feels attacked/criticised by you for something that she may already feel ashamed that she can't manage on her own.

If you can't manage her money because it's stressful, then she will need to find someone else to help her.

Also she is not her father.

ginandlime · 28/04/2024 23:21

You’re right, she’s not her father but when you have ptsd it’s bloody hard.
I get that she may have been feeling ashamed/embarrassed so was trying to keep it light.

I may have a word with her brother. He may be able to persuade her to cut down on the weed as well as managing her money.

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