Life after DV - he's final going!!!

[toodizzyizzy]

I never ever thought the day would come when he would actually leave... He's apparently signed a lease on a flat and is due to move out on Friday. The tension in the house is intense. He knows he has got to behave as social services are involved, but I'm still scared. Family Support have told him to leave and he seems sufficiently scared.... It's hard to contain my excitement, but I know I need to keep it in check as the next few days are going to be difficult. The emotional blackmail is sky high already. Has anyone who's been through this got any advice on life on the other side of DV? This week is going to be tough. I am in contact with local DV support services, but I've only met with them once. They have arranged for me to see a solicitor next week.

I think I would go stay at a hotel or with family for a few days op until you know he's gone. Take anything valuable or important with you like the laptops and kids passports so he can't steal or break them.

And get your locks changed before moving back in.

This is a very dangerous time and if he's already been violent then don't take any risks.

Normally I'd say not to believe a word he says as they like to say they are leaving and then change their mind at the last minute as emotional warfare.

But hopefully he is genuinely going because it sounds like the official ppl are on at him to leave to.

Just don't take any chances. This is the most dangerous time for you.

If you can't go out then could you have a few family members stay until he's gone?

@pinkbonbon Thank you for the reality check, I think I needed it as I've not been in contact with services for several days. He's signing the paperwork as we speak, he keeps coming to ask me to change my mind. I feel like it's now or never. I don't have any family nearby, which has always been part of the problem as I got too isolated. I do have an emergency bag packed - have had for months, it's such an unhealthy way to live. If things are getting out of hand I'll go to a hotel.

If you can afford it , I think you should go to a hotel.

Don't stay there OP, even if you have to put a hotel stay on a credit card, I'd do it. It's going to be a long tense week otherwise and he might kick off again.

This is the most risky time for you

Please get out now and go back when he is def gone

They lull you into false sense of hope

Now is the time to reach out to anybody and everybody to stay elsewhere, even sofa surfing. Last minute air B&B? Someone advertising for a lodger may have you as it's only 1 week?

If you have kids, go and stay in am Airbnb or something

Contact women's aid for advice

Only issue is that he might not 'kick off', he might just bump you all off as you sleep.

If you are staying then I'd make sure to sleep in a seperate room and put a chest of drawers infront of your door at night so he can't just sneak in.
Make sure you can escape through your window too. Like, clear anything outside underneath it. It might sound like overkill but you just never know with these nutters.

Tbh, with 4 nights to go, I just wouldn't risk it. Even if it means a hostel with the kids for those days.

And if you do go and come back, maybe see if someone from family support services or the police could be with you as you check he is gone. Or just the locksmith person even. Because that's a service you need ASAP once he's out anyway.

Not to be frightening OP, but this is the most dangerous time, when an abusive man has lost control. It’s a psychological break almost for many of them, they spiral and lash out in all sorts of ways. If you’ve got a travel lodge or premier inn nearby I’d make use of it. Once he actually goes, sweep the house and look up how to change locks on YouTube, have one ready to switch over.

Fingers crossed for you op!

Just extra security stuff just incase -

Make sure you have your own bank account and put your share of joint money in it. Because its not rare for them to clear out joint accounts when leaving, out of spite and to make you feel you have to take them back as you have no money.

Keep any keepsakes/valuables and passports somewhere safe. Tbh I think I'd maybe see if you can rent a storage locker for them if you're not leaving for a bit. Unless there's somewhere you can hide them that he won't look.

Once he's gone, maybe google how to find hidden cameras/microphones (be wary of any new items like clocks he may have recently brought in). Have all your gadgets checked for spyware. Then change your passwords.

And if the house is joint owned, get it sold and get out ASAP (don't be nostalgic about it being 'the family home'). A divorce will help push this through. If its rented, make sure the estate agents know he's gone and not to be given the new keys.

Don't date again any time soon. Take a couple of years reading up on how to spot abuse first. It's too easy for people to end up in new abusive relationships because in the beginning, the new guy seems precisely the opposite of the last one. But that's just in the beginning.

Thanks everyone for your concern.
I think I posted knowing this is the most dangerous time for me. Family Services are coming to visit us in the morning.
He's not had any violent outbursts for a year, but the emotional and financial abuse has massively escalated. He keeps saying that he's going to "win" me back, which is creeping me out.
I recognise now that I'm a chronic people pleaser, they needs to change! I do appreciate the reality check. I'm hyper-vigilant to what's going on in the house at all times, it's very stressful. I think it's going to get a bit worse before it gets better. I very much regret not reaching out for support sooner. For anyone reading fearing triggering safeguarding please don't be as there is excellent help available.

@Pinkbonbon Thanks for all the extra security tips. It sounds like this is all coming from prior experience - I hope you are living a happier life now?

@toodizzyizzy

Luckily I've never had to remove one from my home. Did live with an exceedingly emotionally abusuve one way back in my student hall years mind you. But luckily the end if his contract removed him for me :)

Just been on here for a good decade or so, seeing other good women going through it and trying to remember the helpful tips.

I remember clearly when my parents were finally in the process of separating. The last week was horrendous for my mum (my brother and I had moved out by then) and I remember her saying that she spent most of the time standing next to the windows so that neighbours would see if he tried to harm her.

He didn't, although he really enjoyed the feeling of power that gave him - stepping really close to her, pretending he was going to close the curtains etc. When she was out though, he burned nearly every childhood photo, school report cards, drawings, home made cards we'd done for birthdays, Mother's Day etc. There are only 7 photos of me from when I was a baby right up until my late teens. So yes, @toodizzyizzy , as well as keeping yourself safe, please keep any treasured possessions safe too.

Good luck!

Yes so much happier now

It's like a new life

Takes a few months to adjust

Then you feel strong and in control

How are you op?

@thisisasurvivor I'm ok, thanks for the concern. I'm just in a total daze at the moment, barely functioning. I can't barely sleep or eat. Family Services are coming back next Tues to make sure he's gone by then. He's acting all humble and sickly sweet. I don't feel physically threatened for the moment, but the emotional pressure just gets more and more intense. I'm glad you have found your escape and life is better for you now 😊

@CarrieMoonbeams That's absolutely dreadful, what a spiteful thing to do! Your poor Mum. Thank goodness she got away! I do have some sentimental items in a bag ready to grab if needed.

I know @toodizzyizzy , it was such a vindictive thing to do. I'm so glad you're getting out of your relationship. Not long to go now 🤗💐

Just to update that he's gone and it went reasonably ok. My anxiety feels worse than ever though. I don't feel the sense of relief I was expecting. Is that normal? Is this trauma?
@thisisasurvivor I feel like he's getting a lot of support from services, but not me.

That's great news op.

What you're feeling is also normal. Your moods and the release of hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline have depended on HIS moods for a so long. They will be now be depleated/out of sync. You're off the roller coaster but it won't feel it for a while until you and tour body readjusts. Could take a few months and that's IF you have very minimal contact with him.

And of course it's still a stressful situation not knowing how things are going to go now. The fear of the unknown.

Just be kind to yourself. Try to take lots of 20 minute sessions of relaxation/exercise. Bubble baths, dancing around the home to music, chocolate and a comedy show. Things to release feel good hormones. Get as much rest as you can and be kind to yourself.

You are amazing

Allow yourself to feel all the highs and low totally understandable

Get to your gp

Get some counselling lined up

So sorry you went through this OP xxxxx

@Pinkbonbon @thisisasurvivor

Thank you so much for sending such supportive messages. It's so weird just being able to move around the house whenever I want. There's even a room I've barely been allowed in for nearly two years that I've started to reclaim! I am having counselling and I think I can access some group therapy too, which I'm open too. I think it's called "Back to Me", which is an excellent title 😊

You are amazing

And so much stronger than you realise

Thinking of you and sending all the best wishes your way 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

When my exH left the home (I threw him out) I was totally numb for about 2 weeks. I felt nothing. I don’t think it’s odd for your feelings not to do what you expect, give it time!! Congratulations on your new life!!