Great face to face but no communication when apart

[MyNewNewlife]

I've been dating this man for 6 months. Very slow and steady and no pressure from either side. I have met his adult dc and go to his house. He has not met my dc (also adult) as yet but they know of him.

When we are together in person he is attentive, funny, chilled and we have a nice time.

My issue is when we are apart the communication dwindles to almost nothing. I will text a general hi or send a funny vid and he'll either not respond or just say hi or thanks honey. He doesn't call unless its a question about when we are meeting up.

Its so opposite of when we are in person. Im trying to rationalise that its just his way and, as he says, he's not a texter, but i do feel a bit put out, ignored even. We are both mature, independent, professional people. Am I being silly and should I grow up and stop wanting soppy texts.. or is he being an utter twat? I Just dont know for sure

How old is he? Does he have autism? A job that is long hours and restricts access to a phone? Could he be married?

I don't think either of you is a twat for it just different communication styles and needs. The question is whether you both can accommodate each other or whether it will be a deal breaker for you?

my husband is like this too and always has been. He’s just not a text/phone person

Definitely not married, could be a little on the spectrum. Im probably overthinking a bit but i really dont want to jump in and get hurt.

Thanks for the replies. I guess we will see how it goes.

I'm just the same. I'm not on the spectrum.
I just have so many communication streams going on through work and stuff I have to tend to /keep up with, that I shed what I can as far as possible.
Hypocritically I do come here, but that's when I'm in the mood and want to, if I'm maintaining a relationship this way it becomes a chore.
I'm super present when seeing in person though and my affection and attention is 100% genuine.
I would be useless in a long distance relationship.

@PoochiesPinkEars That's really helpful thanks. This dating malarky is hard after being married for 30+ years. Maybe he's just not a texter and I need to recognise actions more than words.

My first thought was that hes probably ND

I have ADHD and I'm awaiting an assessment for autism. Face to face I am great but I'm awful at keeping in contact with people. I dont have many friends nowadays because people think I dont care,

I do care, I just get really overwhelmed with messages, calls and I'm also a "out of sight out of mind" sort of person

I'm fortunate I have one very good friend who completely gets it but I really understand why I've ended up losing so many friends over the years

People think I dont care, I do, I just cant seem to stay in contact

Have you said to him you'd like more contact?

I think he should try to meet you partway - OK, he's not a texter by nature, why should it only be you that adapts to his preferences?

He could make more of an effort to stay in touch better, there are so many choices, whether video call, phone, text, just sending a picture or whatever.

Don't just think "well I need to dial my expectations down" and accept whatever he's prepared to offer, it should be about mutual effort.

Deciding to accept less than you need sets the background for the rest of the relationship. While it's good to make accommodations for each other, it's not good for it to be one way only.

Lots of men compartmentalise very well. It doesn't point to autism ffs. PS there is no such thing as being, 'a little on the spectrum'. He possibly attends to the rest of his life and enjoys your company in person. If there's no pressure as you say then he believes this is your expectation too. You'd need to specifically talk about now requesting texts or calls once during not seeing each other.

You say you are dating and taking it slow, could it be you both different ideas of what this is, any chat about it being an exclusive relationship? otherwise he's probably taking it as you're not so he has no expectations of keeping in touch apart from when you meet up, men won't put in the effort if they see it as something casual.

Sounds to me like a case of you both being on different pages when it comes to phone/text use.- and that's fine.
My partner texts and rings alot more than I do- it actually gets on my nerves the constant need to be in touch! I wouldn't care if we didn't communicate all day when we're working/out.
The only way I think I'd be concerned if I were you, is if he's on the phone to others when you're with him- say he was flat out messaging friends etc but then doesn't contact you.
I would maybe mention it casually, that you'd like a bit more communication, but wouldn't make it a deal breaker at this stage- everything else sounds great!

I’m wondering how frequently you see him. If you only get together every couple of weeks or less often then him maintaining contact by phone is important. If you meet every weekend then a mid week chat shouldn’t be too much to ask. If you see each other two or three times a week then perhaps you should accept not much contact in between.

As you get on so well he is most likely oblivious to it bothering you and might be happy to step up his communication. He sounds nice enough to not mind you bringing up, even if he ultimately says he won’t change. Talk to him about it.

This is certainly food for thought. I have previous of accepting less than i want. Had to 'untrain' myself.. still a work in progress hence the post. Its good to get opinions, especially from other women.

Where do you guys do when you meet up?

Better than being all fart and nee shite.