Should I leave or should I stay? Depression in relationships

[Janeale]

My BF suffering with a major depressive disorder where he has had to have an inpatient/residential stay. He first told me about his depression early on in the relationship which I was fine with and he was taking meds at the time.

I think he stopped taking his meds because he said he was feeling relaxed and happy. He has always been very supportive and caring, even when I'm sick or feeling down.

But I've not had a message from him since 11 March, he apologised for his silence, acknowledged it was unfair on me but also admitted that it took him 4 days to send me a message.

I send him a couple of messages a week, to check that he's okay. I'm also honest about how I feel. There are days when I struggle but I'm focusing on living my own life.

He is not able to be the companion/boyfriend that you want. He isn’t available, no matter how much he wants to be, or you want him to be. A person with that level of diagnosed depression is a bad bet for a partner because the exigencies of their own situation will always come before you and your needs and plans.

Pick up the phone and ring him for a chat.

Would you marry or have children with this man? How old are you op? It's extremely challenging to be in a relationship with someone with mental health problems, my partner has them and its been so draining on me over the years.

I'm 50, he's 54 and we both have teenaged children. We were not planning to do any blended family type arrangements, wanted to focus on us as a couple. He told me upfront about his depression but having not experienced this type of depression before, this is new territory for me.

Don’t waste your time—at 54 he us set in his ways and he is telling you he doesn’t have the bandwidth for you.

I was in a relationship like this in my mid 20's.

I am also someone who has struggled with my mental heath in the past, and even with this experience I would say you should leave.

Someone struggling with depression in a major way like this can't be a good partner because your needs will almost always come second.
This doesn't make them a bad person - they just lack the bandwidth to consider you over themselves.. but just because it's not their fault doesn't mean you should swallow it.

I became an emotional whipping boy. I couldn't express any of my needs, because they were overwhelming for him. There was no space for what I wanted. I got barely any support when my mum was diagnosed with a serious, life limiting illness. We didn't have any fun. We rarely laughed. I went to events on my own. I made excuses for him, time and time again, to my family and friends.

Even with all of that, I was expected to be there for him 100% of the time, 100% effort. I complied with every whim. I shouldered every burden. I danced around trying to make him happy, tirelessly. I gave him grace, tried to understand him, even though there was no understanding or grace for me.

In the end I worried and cried and lived life on my own, despite having a 'partner'.

If you don't want that to be your reality, leave.

I will call today.

Thanks for responding. Much food for thought. It feels sad to end things, because when he is not depressed, he is so different, but I need to put my own mental health first.

As harsh as it sounds, at 50, live your life for you. This is never going to be without massive peaks and troughs that you will get sucked into and can/will affect your own MH regularly.
Be his friend by all means but don’t get bogged down in this relationship …. It will drag you down with it 💐