Toxic future MIL advice

[Jazz89u]

I am engaged to marry a man I am very happy with next year but there is one big problem: his mother. Until recently, we had a nice enough relationship. I used to go to her house for dinner and we’d text sometimes. But last summer, everything changed and it’s been slowly declining since then.

She is obsessed with weight and fitness and has made some very rude comments about me. I think it’s partly cultural (she’s Italian) but she has a toxic mindset. She is always saying I need to get back in shape, that I’ve let my body go and it’s a shame, that I’ve gained weight and need to watch what I eat. I’m a size 10/12 and exercise regularly. Also, it’s literally none of her business. She has a very restricted life, hardly ever goes out or eats in restaurants and spends all her time at home on her treadmill. She seems to hate seeing me and DP travelling and having a nice time because the nasty comments usually come after we’ve returned from a trip.

Last week we went to the beach and I sent her some photos of the scenery. She replied saying that DP said we did a lot of walking and that’s good because I need to get back into shape. I showed DP and against my wishes, he phoned her and asked why she said that in response to a photo of the sea that had literally nothing to do with my weight. She lied and said she didn’t mean ‘get in shape’, she meant ‘recover from an illness’ that I’ve recently had. Sure. She texted me with a long lecture saying I misinterpreted what she said and that she didn’t mean it in that way. I replied saying it’s not a problem, trying to shut it down but she didn’t reply. I 100% don’t believe her because it’s clear what she meant and she has form for doing this.

Anyway, she’s upset about being called out and has phoned DP today saying that he loves me more than her, that he defends me when he doesn’t know what was said (he did know because I showed him the message) and that he’s not affectionate with her. I find these comments very odd because she shouldn’t be competing with me for her son’s affection. I don’t want to engage in this childish behaviour and I’m annoyed she’s made a drama out of nothing.

I’m very nervous about the future relationship with her. I want to keep my distance because she’s toxic and has fallen out with every family member including her own parents. The difficulty is that I’m marrying her son and so I’ll probably have to be involved with her in some way.

Does anyone have advice on how to handle this? I’m not used to such an overbearing MIL. I’ve had a good relationship with my exes’ mums and I’ve been nothing but friendly with this woman so I’m surprised that she’s now acting so hostile.

Hmmm. In all honesty I’d think quite carefully about the future. It could be that you just benignly accept her for what she is - to generalise, I think a lot of that generation are more weight-obsessive than we are, and Italian women are often extremely body conscious! If this is your main problem then that’s manageable- particularly if MIL lives in another country 😉

however, if she’s very likely to create immense drama and be a toxic nightmare, that is difficult. I have an immensely immature and narcissistic MIL who l no longer have anything to do with. DH maintains low contact with her…but the situation has been stressful, and placed a strain on our marriage at times. I’m not saying run for the hills necessarily but I would think a lot about how this will impact your future - and have some frank discussions with DH about boundaries etc.

I have an immature and narcissistic Italian MIL and feel your pain. It has got worse since we had children but it does sound like your partner stands up to her? Firm boundaries are needed but she is unlikely to respect them in my experience!

Op if your partner calls his mum out on something don't then back track just to shut it down as you say. It's her that needs to learn how to behave so next time she sends you a lecture , you're the one who needs to ignore her or reply firm on your position.

It's good that he called her out.

And I hope he told her that although it's not a competition and he won't stand for her treating it as such, he DOES love you more than her because you are his partner and a partner comes before her and always will.

He needs to have that level of balls. And he needs to show consistently that he is always in your corner and will always call out her bs.

I wouldn't marry him if he has form for anything that might indicate that if you two fell out, he'd tell his mum. Or to indicate he would be a coward. Or if he has form for any spitefulness. Or for talking badly of others.

It takes a very strong relationship and a oartber of the highest moral fibre to outweigh the risks of a nasty inlaw.

He even has to be prepared to end that relationship entirely if she continues this shit. Is he?

What matters the most is how your DP is responding to her unreasonable behaviour. It sounds like he is supporting you and doing his best to address her attacks on you. ( because that's what her comments about your body are. )
She is not wanting to let go of him which is very unhealthy. You can't do anything about what she is like. But you can keep your distance and support him in holding solid boundaries with her. He should be able to see that her behaviour is very unsupportive of him.
Good luck OP, this is not easy. I hope you will not allow this woman to occupy too much space in your mind.

It's him calling her out that is a positive.
However, if I knew my dh family before marrying him as I knew them now (mil and bil) I would have never got involved with him. It's hard! But my Dh is heavily influenced by both of them so probably different to your situation.

Thanks for your replies.

@Pinkbonbon I think he could cut her off if things continued. He’s been non contact with her in the past (before we met, when he was in his early 20s) and he moved out of her house at 18. She is extremely controlling of him and he has food issues now because of her weight obsession. He eats healthily and restricts at mealtimes but binge eats junk food in secret. I’m not sure what he said in response to her comments because I didn’t hear the phone call but he said to me that he does love me more than her, obviously.

@Moonlane I regret shutting it down now. I am quite conflict averse so will try and keep the peace even when perhaps I shouldn’t. But I know I need to be stronger with her.

I’m lucky that DP does stand up to her and isn’t afraid to say something when she says inappropriate things. But she reacts very badly. She put down the phone on him when he called about the text message so she’s prone to losing her temper.

Mine isnt italian but isnt far off.
Feel your pain.

My main advice given what you have written is: do not people please and do not "be nice".

By that i mean dont encourage contact, dont send pictures of your days out, dont invite her when you go wedding dress shopping, when shes angling for a christmas invite dont say "go on" when your dh doesnt want to invite her, dont make an effort because your yet to born daughter "should know her family"....
You get the idea.

Defer to your fiance and support his boundaries. I find it helpful to think of her like an overgrown toddler, and respond accordingly.
"we dont reward bad behaviour" is our approach and we ignore tantrums and accept it not us and we cant stop them.
My dh will never go NC but knows she will need to be "managed" forever.

My mil was awful when we planned our wedding. There were all sorts of tears and tantrums so fasten your seatbelt.
I'm 5 years in and its significantly better the wedding was probaby the peak tbh... but i set my stall out early.
I am polite if messaged but contact is infrequent, I no longer sent sweet pics of kids due to an incident so dh sends them.we see her 4-6 x per year.
Its more than enough.

Good luck

@GreatGateauxsby Thanks, I know I need to distance myself and stop sharing things like photos/ life updates with her. I have to accept she’s just not normal. I find this competition vibe she has with me very sinister because I’ve never viewed her that way.

If/ when we have children I suspect she’ll get worse. I don’t really want them around her tbh.