I'm trying to do the right thing but it's so hard

[ijustwantthemtobehappy]

I'm married with two small kids (both under 5). Their dad is a lot older than me. To be honest it's never been amazing, I was young when we met and I think at 21 going from these fuck boys to someone serious who wanted marriage and kids just seemed amazing and I got swept up in it all. He is a great dad, and a good guy and doesn't want anything to change. Im trying to honour the vows I've taken, put my kids first and just carry on. I have a stable life, a nice home, enough money, my kids have a family unit etc.

I just don't love him at all. I still feel young and attractive and interested in life. I look at him and he just looks like an aging man and I think, I'm not old enough for this yet. I want to fancy someone, I want to want to have sex with my husband. I just don't. He tries, he talks about it a lot, he grabs at me and it makes me feel a bit sick. I just don't want him to touch me. I wish I could go back and shake myself and tell myself it's my self esteem and he isn't the one.

I honestly don't know what to do. I've read thread after thread on here, that there isn't loads of sexy single younger men out there who will want to take on 2 kids etc. that the grass isn't always greener. That a nice involved dad is the jackpot. That the kids have to come first. I get it, but it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. How many times can I turn down sex before it hurts him? I want him to be happy. I want him to be with someone who loves him. It makes my skin crawl sometimes because he constantly says how sexy, gorgeous, hot I am etc and he's so proud to show me off and I'm embarrassed for people to know he's my husband. It's embarrassing when people look at me and him and back at me as if we make no sense, it's embarrassing when people ask how old he is. I just don't know what to do, I don't get how he's fulfilled, I guess he wants to stay a family and be there for his kids and finds me attractive/wants to have sex with me so it isn't as difficult as me who wants to keep it together for my kids and to not hurt him but looks at guys my own age and thinks that's what I want. Who doesn't want to touch him or have him touch me.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to leave for it to be worse. I've already lost my twenties, is the damage already done? Am I better off sticking it out?

I lucked out. I have an extremely handsome husband whom I’m still extremely attracted to, I look at him even after all this time and just think he’s gorgeous.

However, for around 2/3 years, I could barely be around him, hated him touching me and barely had sex. It felt performative and I was miserable.

But if I look back at that time, it was the baby/toddler years. It’s so difficult with two kids under 5. You give everything to the children and there’s not much left over. You feel clawed at all day long- and the last thing you want is another pair of hands at night.

But as kids get older, it does get easier. And you also start to see how attractive it is in a man to be a good father.

I would ride it out a little longer. See if things get better as the kids get older, off to school and it’s a little less demanding. Things might not change, but least you can say you stuck it out and tried.

Also, and I was guilty of this. Don’t look to have all your needs fulfilled by your partner. Find new hobbies, interesting things to do with friends etc. It’s unfair to seek all life’s excitement from one person.

You don't say how big the age gap is OP?

Think about staying and what this will mean for the kids and your husband

Think about leaving and the impact it will have on your kids

Think about who will look after the kids when you are working

Before you married, did people not want you - is the age gap 35/40 years?

There is 17 years between us

Cheers
Tell him and he may just leave you, IMO.
Also consider what the next love in your life may be like as there is always a risk

Good luck and I hope it works out for the sake of the kids as you both decided to have two.

Very good advice, OP. Don’t rush into any
major changes. I hope it all works out for you.