Best way to initiate and lead a difficult conversation (long)

[cultjarteriaky]

I'm planning to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend of 11 months and it might lead to a break up. I could be persuaded to give it another go if we manage to have a good talk but if we don't manage to express ourselves with transparency and truth, I will give up.

He hasn't done anything bad and we started off very well. However he is still very closed off and had great difficulty expressing any kind of emotions. I'm quite sensitive to body languages and facial expressions and reading between the lines and I pick a lot from non verbal communication but he is always insisting that everything is ok, he is ok, he will let me know his true thoughts and feelings but that just doesn't happen.

One example of many (this was over text message a few weeks ago):

• I invited him to attend a event on 23 of May (a Thursday)
• he said he can't go because he has an important online meeting at the same day and at the same time that can't be cancelled
• so to clarify I said - on 23rd May?
• he said: oh no I thought it was this Thursday but I can't go because it is too far, it 1.5 hours from my house
• then I sent him a screenshot with travel plans - it is in fact 30 minutes from his house and a straight tube line and 1.5 hours from mine with 3 changes
• then he said that the travel will be complicated because is the Thursday before the Friday before the weekend bank holiday which is Monday so the public transport will be too crowded and with delays, lines and station closures blahblah
• so at this point I said "no worries, I will go on my own"
• to which he said he wanted to go
• then something came up for me on the 23rd May making it impossible for me to go so yesterday during dinner I told him that we don't need to go anymore to which he opened a massive smile and a sigh of relief

So the point of the anecdote above is to illustrate that although he thinks himself as an honest communicator, he isn't. Many times I told him that I want him to be himself and not be worried about telling me 'no', or to disappoint. I don't ever want him to do something he is not keen on just for me.
There are many little other stories similar to the above where his reasoning doesn't make any sense and it is just excuses.

So my question is, should I:
1 - give him a heads up that we need to talk so when we meet next he has had a chance of doing some reflection?
2- bring my thoughts and feelings up spontaneously so he won't have time to prepare any elaborated excuses?

Oh another example that just came up to my memory:

• a couple of weeks ago we were deciding between two restaurants
• so we decided to look at the menus and see what we fancy better
• he opened up the website of one of the places on his phone and asked if my phone was with me
• I told him that my phone was downstairs and thought we would just share his screen and read the menu together
• I noticed his hesitancy so told to just read the menu out to which he did
• then roll up to yesterday we were in a unfamiliar area and needed something to eat so he pulled out his phone to look at places nearby
• he found one that looked interesting and was on the phone map app trying to figure out which direction to go
• at this point I leaned in to look at his map app together since I knew the area slightly better than he did
• he then closed the phone saying that the map app was showing him places that were not even in this country and we should try the app on my phone since it was so much better
• for the record - in the past, he had suggested that I download and use the app that he does since it is better than mine...hmmmmm
• anyway, in 2 occasions his has been cagey with his phone out of the blue and on the last occasion, used a very silly excuse which I think could be a lie - we absolutely respect each others phone and I never touched his but I look at everything on my phone next to him, he has seen me putting my password many times

He is a educated, intelligent, well accomplished man so when he comes with what I'm perceiving as BS excuses like the above, it makes me feel pretty unsettled.

I know that only an honest and open conversation will make me want to still be in this relationship and my thoughts and feelings can't be ignored anymore even though he says everything is okay. However I'm the type that need a lot of rational thinking and pondering which is a big change from the way I used to operate before, (I'd just blurt out whatever feeling or thought, not thinking it through and ending up being hurtful to the other person) hence this post to bounce off ideas and hear opinions.

I don't want to talk to friends at this stage.

I think he's probably a narcissist. Gifted communicator but can't replicate that when it's not a performance, doesn't enjoy shared activities for the connection, just the activity, leaves you with cognitive dissonance, emotionally immature/dishonest, pretence of transparency but also secretive.

I’ve noticed that when you want to have a big honest conversation to break up it means you have hope and actually want this person to change and be different. If you want to break up you just break up.
Think about it.
The other thing ime - if man is not straight in talking with you (however straight talker he thinks he is) - he is hiding something. It might be innocent or might be not but he is hiding something.
And there are a lot of other little things. It’s not that he’s unhappy to be with you but he should be happy and these are two different things. He pretends that he doesn’t understand what you mean because it suits him for some reason. It feels from you description that he is tagging along instead of making an effort so it’s understandable you are not happy.

Just tell him it’s not working for you and that’s it. Don’t tell him what you think in his head etc, what he feels or want. Keep it simple.

We are both not english and we have an inside joke about that, meaning our convertation style is open and direct (or so he thinks his is - mine is for sure)

also if he says he is okay but he is not and this is spoiling the date because of bad mood I’d rather know and give them their time to deal with whatever - no need to be with me without wanting it

I don't think OP sounds strident at all, whoever said that. She just wants a straight answer to a straight question, and is frustrated and confused because she doesn't seem to be getting that even in the simplest of circumstances.

But OP, I think you're flogging a dead horse here. Best case scenario is that you're not compatible in terms of expectations and communication style. I read on here once "what frustrates you at the beginning of a relationship will break you in the end" and I think it's spot on. I just wouldn't put yourself through this anymore. Even if he grovels and insists he wants to stay with you (which you seem to suggest would change your decision) I really think it's time to give up on the idea that this is the guy for you.

I hear you

It is is just so weird to me that this is happening at 11 months rather than at the very start, it is like going backwards.
I was hoping true self to show up at the 3/4 months mark

I also agree with people telling me to just braak up and no big convo needed, however we’ve had some good times together and zero issues except from now. I’d rather just have an honest chat and a clean break without residue or confusion

He is acting weird now but he invested a lot of time, money and effort during 11 months and always treated me very well so I think it warrants him at least having the feedback on how I feel (if he is interested) so he can have better chances with the next

or maybe I’m too idealistic

OP your feedback will be to get it off your chest yourself and it is showing your hope for change. Nobody gives feedback to soon to be ex partners so they can behave better with the next partner. You are kidding yourself.

Both of your communication styles sound exhausting to me. Do the Myers and Briggs personality test and find out what kind of person you are best suited with. It sounds like something you would enjoy doing as you like analysing.

If you have both managed to have relationships that lasted 18 -24 months in the past, it is further confirmation that you are mismatched with each other.

Relationships are supposed to be fun, not heavy. What is the point of being in a relatively new relationship otherwise. It doesn't matter if this man ticks your boxes on paper. What would happen if you ended up having a child together or living together and sharing bills. It would be nothing but stress, anger, frustration and a lot of unhappiness. Do your future self a big favour and find yourself a nice person who you click with and laugh with, without the needless and futile analysis.

He doesn't want feedback. He wants you to shut up and let him get on with doing what he wants without having to make any compromises.

The effort he put in earlier was to make sure he attracted you. He can't keep on putting in that level of effort forever, it doesn't suit him to be accommodating and flexible.

Is this the relationship you want? If not, just dump him now.

I don’t think it’s that complicated op.

He is deceptive. He says yes when he means no and he shows signs of being resentful. He’s a typical passive aggressive character who is moody.