How to build a life after a divorce

[BlastedPimples]

I read many heartening stories on MN about women who have rebuilt their lives after divorce and horrible experiences. I often wonder how?

I have come out of a 20 year marriage. Violent, adulterous ex who is manipulative and cruel.

I have 4 dcs, youngest is 11. Many pets. I work part time after a patchy job life due to family needs and commitments.

I'm 52. Desperately worried about the future. Paralysed some days with anxiety and fear. Which of course suffocates any abilities to plan and create.

I just can't see a way out. No time for developing hobbies and interests. Very concerned I'm past it in terms of building any meaningful, fulfilling career that will bring financial stability.

I really want to build a positive future not least so I have something to leave my dcs. My ex ruined us financially.

Except I don't even know where to begin. I've forgotten how I was, what I did.

For some reason, I tried dating too but I have nothing to bring to the dating table. Stepped rapidly away from that arena.

How do I begin?

I also wonder how far you feel able to tell some of the people round you where things are at? I found it incredibly empowering when I got to this stage, e.g 'I fear homelessness, he has squandered the money, I'm looking for abc, might you or anyone be able to help'. Telling my truth felt very powerful, and helped me see how far I'd come alone, which helped me feel less confused and distressed. And it builds community which can only be a good thing.

You might find this article of help, I've only had time to skim read it. Was looking for a group (there is one) which supports women leaving abusive situations abroad, but haven't managed to find that yet.
https://www.herexpatlife.com/post/when-enough-is-enough-domestic-violence-abroad

OP, you have your dcs who will provide some structure to your every day life. Outside of that, I shrank my life down to what I could cope with. I didn't try to rush it.

For the first year, I stayed at home, ran by myself, graduated to manicures, buying flowers, painting the bathroom a colour I liked and treating myself nicely. Then gradually worked outwards from there. Each little step was at my pace. I didn't worry about the future, I just focused on what cheered me up on that particular day.

You'll be fine, just be kind to yourself, don't expect too much, too soon. Take your time. xx

Be kind to yourself, you have 4 kids and 4 dogs and a job. A lot on your plate.
No wonder you haven’t got head space for making big changes and planning! Not sure anyone would in your position!

I think start with self care. Little things for you take one day at a time. I think charities like mind offer telephone consultations for free or look into womens aid etc. It could just be doing fitness online at home or meeting a friend for a walk. Maybe try mindfulness on you tube etc. I separated and felt completely shocked but it’s changed my life gradually for the better.

Yeah but it's been a year since actual separation. He left and returned to UK.

I'm still struggling and am very aware of time marching on. Panicking even.

IME you can't rush it @BlastedPimples . Your brain, body and soul need to process what he put you through. A year really is not long, considering what you've endured. Being kind to yourself also means being patient with yourself

It took me a couple of years to get over a bad relationship (with no joint kids together) and build myself back up. As others have said you start with little things and build yourself back up.

Is there any scope for you to move back to UK? If he’s here then I would be enquiring with the CSA about child maintenance so at least that’s one area covered.
I presume if he’s here he doesn’t see much of the children? That must be very hard for them and for you

@BlastedPimples how are you today? 💐

Hello.

I'm ok. I lurch from abject worry to thinking it's got to be ok in the end.

As long as I keep trying at something. But I need to identity what will bring me most financial safety and quickly.

I do think the abuse has affected me rather badly. He would scream in my face often. I have pieced the timelines together and it was when he was having another affair that he would do this. Culminating in a three hour tirade. And a twisting of my head on the ground when I finally retaliated with some choice words.

That sounds awful, it’s no wonder you’ve been affected so badly. He can never hurt you like that again, you will rebuild your life. I know you say it’s been a year already but honestly it’s still such early days.

Have you been able to find out whether there are any free counselling services available where you live? Or a women’s aid service?

Try to take some time for yourself to relax, light a candle (or use a calming diffuser), do a small skincare routine and read a book. It seems simple and possibly boring but it will help you to relax a bit.

Do you have anything you can sell for a quick cash injection whilst you’re looking at other options? I went through everything in my house last year and sold lots of clothes, furniture, etc on eBay. Or even if you have old children’s clothes and toys you could do a Carboot sale/ market stall, you’d be surprised how quickly it adds up.

OP it is the abuse that has done this. We need love, respect, to know that we’re important to thrive. I know from my own experience of abuse that it is the feeling that my life and efforts were worthless to the point of being invisible that did me in the most. He gave me this feeling, it was no coincidence that I felt it. I’m still struggling with it— and my career and dread and all the things you mention. He should be valuing you so highly for raising those kids and he should have made sure you were financially safe in his part of the deal. But don’t take his inadequacies and a job badly done by him as your responsibility/shame.

Well it is my responsibility too because he behaved badly on and on for the last 8 years of the marriage. I felt unable to do anything about it. Unable to take action.

I remember staring at him slack jawed as he yelled abuse at the Chinese delivery driver who has forgotten one dish. And then turning to me and yelling how he wanted a divorce, I was a fat useless bitch. So many of these episodes. I've listed them and I am still stunned by it all.

He minimises it now of course. Claims I was abusive. 🙄 I do get concerned when he gets new girlfriends. What he will do to them. People don't change. And if he brainwashes the dcs. He's incredibly manipulative l. I'm fortunate that my dcs are not tiny and it won't be long before they are all independent and free.

He controlled all the money. Was very hostile when I wanted to be privy to the details. He would just fling numbers at me and say I could deal with everything if I wanted when I just wanted to work it out as a team.

And now I am financially shafted after we were in a good place in 2019 with a big house mortgage free.

I really want to save myself and the dcs financially. Get out of this victim state of mind which I detest. But the problem is that it's so entrenched.

Success and happiness and all the rest is for other people. I truly believe I could never do well now. It's just not in my stars. I am not capable.

And I wish I didn't believe that. I try to think back to pre 2001 before we met when I was optimistic and cheerful and anxiety free. Unimaginable really.

I think anxiety grows and grows when you can't or won't take action. For whatever reason.

If your youngest DC is 11 and all DC love dogs so much why aren't they walking them? 3 or 4 mornings a week then elder DC should walk their dogs.

Get younger 2 DC to do some chores around the house. Vacuuming, putting shopping away, emptying dishwasher and reloading it can all be done by DC. Don't be a martyr.

Sort yourself out some yoga and swimming 3 times a week on days your elder DC walk dogs.

Keep looking out for a full time job you'd enjoy doing.

Have you got a friend you can meet up with for a coffee once a week? If yes do go.

In time you may want to date again. Take it slowly.

It's like eating an elephant, one bite at a time.

You'll get there, just break the big stuff down into small achievable steps, and celebrate every little win.

The kids need to help out with the dogs if they want to keep them. Have them take responsibility for walks, feeding, clearing up.

How long till the other three children are classed as adults? I’m supporting three friends divorcing currently. All unique situations and all mid fifties, only one has small children though the rest have children aged 18 plus which has made things a little easier.

Are you ok with the country you live in and want to stay rather than return to the UK. I’m not suggesting you return just wondering what assistance is available.

I love where I live.

Healthcare and education all great.

Plus the police were very responsive when the dv shit hit the fan.

I don't know if I'd feel safe in U.K. Plus I am not confident in the UK's future well being.

If your youngest is 11 then the children can walk the dogs if they want to keep them. If not either your husband takes them or rehome them. That's one issue that's quite easily sorted if you really don't want them.

How are you today OP?

Did you have any luck finding services in your area for therapists or any other practical/financial support?
If not, or if you don’t feel up to it yet, if you want to let us know what country you are in perhaps us mumsnetters may be able to help with some research?

Sending you strength and happy thoughts 💐

We are all telling you, “this too will pass.”
Lots of us have carried the concerns you are experiencing now and have come out the other side. Please believe us!

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Your new life journey can’t be rushed. It’s like a patterned carpet bring unrolled, showing a new bit of pattern every so often. Not all of it faded, some bright bits remain.

Be patient. After finances are sorted out hopefully you will have a clearer idea of where you’re at. Meanwhile take pleasure in small things. Birdsong as you are running. A snuggle with a dog. A silly joke from your kids. Switch off and live in the moment.

Unload to us as you make your adjustments. The MN community of down to earth contributions will help you through it.

May the power be with you!

I just want to say @BlastedPimples how are you getting on? I found this post really helpful as I start the same journey

I'm ok thank you. Calmer. Quieter and have found some mental peace.

Same job but more hours so a bit more money.

I think I can start putting a bit of cash into a private pension now with my increase in hours. It's still not great pay but the colleagues are smashing.

DCs see their dad now. Financial settlement means we are ok for now. Ex h wants to reconcile which I find hilarious. I am civil to him when he comes to take out the dcs.

I'm hoping to knuckle down and study to retrain. I'm still very tired.

But I don't believe my life is over. In fact, one should just carry on and aspire whatever the age you are.

I mean, I'd love to own my own business. I have no idea in what but to be in charge like that would be amazing.

I don't date either. I really don't care about that. I don't need it. I love to be single. I don't value men's opinions of me. The couple of dates I went on ended up with them negging me and these guys really were not worry my time. Friends on the other hand - I always want to make new friends.

This is so reassuring @BlastedPimples I found your post at 3am scrolling for any help and advice out there and it gave me hope.

I feel guilty I put my life on hold for so long and always did the people pleasing thing. I want to be a good example to my kids and that requires a massive change which is what I want but seems overwhelming and so far away at the moment.

my youngest is 6 and so I’m working on relocating to start again. However the financial recovery is a long road ahead due to my ex destroying us and leaving me with massive debt that I’m struggling to get out of.

id love to sell up and leave tomorrow but realistically with my finances it needs to be a 12-18 months plan but the thought of living in this house for the next 18 months makes me recoil in horror.

Well, big decisions are best not done straightaway. Even if living in the house now makes you miserable.

Plan but not massively yet. Bit by bit. It's true.

And even the smallest of changes can generate other changes. It's weird