How to build a life after a divorce

[BlastedPimples]

I read many heartening stories on MN about women who have rebuilt their lives after divorce and horrible experiences. I often wonder how?

I have come out of a 20 year marriage. Violent, adulterous ex who is manipulative and cruel.

I have 4 dcs, youngest is 11. Many pets. I work part time after a patchy job life due to family needs and commitments.

I'm 52. Desperately worried about the future. Paralysed some days with anxiety and fear. Which of course suffocates any abilities to plan and create.

I just can't see a way out. No time for developing hobbies and interests. Very concerned I'm past it in terms of building any meaningful, fulfilling career that will bring financial stability.

I really want to build a positive future not least so I have something to leave my dcs. My ex ruined us financially.

Except I don't even know where to begin. I've forgotten how I was, what I did.

For some reason, I tried dating too but I have nothing to bring to the dating table. Stepped rapidly away from that arena.

How do I begin?

Start by looking after you. Eat well, sleep well, try and get some exercise, walking is a great form of therapy. Lots of nice places to explore. Then just one day at a time. Create the life that you want. You’ll be so much happier in time, better days ahead op 🌷

I walk or run 5kms every day. It does help.

But I can't get beyond what I do now. And I don't want things to happen to me. I want to make things happen. But I don't know how.

I feel like I have no time to make changes. And any time I have means I get anxiety and panicky.

It is normal to grieve once you’re finally alone.
I agree with looking after yourself and try to have some fun built into your life for you and your child/ren. Meditation and living in the moment help to ground me.
It is good to think ahead a little - rough plans and something to look forward to doing.
Your youngest will be growing up fast.
If it helps you to be more mobile and cuts costs then I wouldn’t replace your pets.
You should be able to date when you feel more like it so don’t give up hope of meeting someone.

Are you working now? How are you doing financially? Finding a job you enjoy that you can perhaps progress into something more full-filling in time would probably give you a much needed boost and start you rebuilding your life in a way you want.

I dream of being pet free. I only wanted one dog and the cats. Ex wanted more dogs and I am lumbered with 4.

I don't think I can waste any more time but that makes me more anxious.

I really feel like I have nothing to offer the working world. I have messed up and been messed up.

It was a good decision to step away from the dating scene for a while. That will just make you more stressed and anxious. I guess your kids are all pretty much teens then and less dependant than they perhaps once were. Let them grow and don’t get overly involved with them. They are at or getting to ages where they need to learn to be independent.

in terms of the financial situation, just keep going job hunting wise. Maybe consider applying for something with the local council so that you get the pension. That would help you in the future.

The most important thing is to put yourself as the main priority now. Like someone else said eat well, sleep well, exercise which is what you already do.

There is a tendency after a break up to rush into things, particularly dating and that is probably the worst thing you could do at the moment.

If your ex wanted four dogs why the hell have you got stuck with the damn things - surely they're HIS dogs????

As for the rest, it sounds like you really need to find a life coach. A good one. One who comes recommended. A person who doesn't know you, who can sit down with you and help you to figure out what you want from life and how to go about achieving it. It's not easy, which is why there are people who make a living from helping others to see the wood for the trees. It is overwhelming. But I think I'd get rid of the damn dogs first, because you're going to find it really hard to build a meaningful career when you have so many responsibilities at home. I have one cat. I recommend it!

The dogs are much loved by my dcs. I can't just dump them. The dcs have been though a lot too.

I can't afford any more expenditures on therapy or coaches. My solicitor fees wiped me out.

We used to live in a big mortgage free house but ex insisted on selling it and had squandered all the money on I don't know what. It's gone. I couldn't afford a forensic accountant to look into it.

I do feel totally and utterly overwhelmed most days.

Can't your ex take them? He was the one who wanted them.

I can't afford any more expenditures on therapy or coaches. My solicitor fees wiped me out.

In that case, do you have a friend or friends you could talk to?

I think maybe you need to break this down into bite sized chunks.

The DCs and house are a must so get up every day and that’s your first priority.

then after that what’s the most important thing? I’m sensing job…. So start applying … don’t worry too much about ticking all of the essential criteria if you match five out of ten then go for it. If you get knocked back, brush it off then try again.

With dating, I understand your need to find a connection, but don’t do it until you are in the right mind set.

As much as the DCs may love the dogs, they are hard work, so it may be best all round to see if you can find a couple of them a nice new home.

Feeling better will happen gradually, make sure you are getting the right nutrition, sleep etc and stick to a routine where possible … we naturally seek out routine and stability so if you can set yourself one it will help.

Regarding your confidence, whatever he did or said etc … it doesn’t mean you should take it personally …. Sometimes people are berks and you just have to write it off as that. If you let it make you insecure then it’s only you that loses.

Take care.

What is your part time role at the moment? Is it enjoyable? Can you increase your hours? If not, what sort of job would you like to do?

It's harsh but I would try and re-home the dogs. Presumably you can't work f/t and just leave them at home all day.

No. I get up at 5am. Take dogs out. Get dcs up and to school. Go to work. I work from home 50% of time a week

No prospect of ft work at current job. Plus I hate it. It's fundraising and it all smells of the same quiet financial desperation as in my own home.

I do apply for other roles but no luck yet.

I just want to be able to make things better. Can't think straight half the time though.

My ex accuses me of being abusive whenever I ask for help with the shitshow he's left behind. Like filling in a tax return from two years ago because he refuses to do it. He is very good at turning things round to make himself look like a victim.

We live in another country btw.

I am worried that I will simply run out energy being the age I am. I want to go swimming often for mental peace but I know I will be absolutely shattered afterwards.

I wish I could figure out something solid a d promising to work towards.

You need to rehome the dogs if at all possible. I generally wouldn't recommend that, but you have to secure you and your children's future first.

If the anxiety and fear is paralysing you then can you just try to make a 1 year plan? Less intimidating than worrying about the rest of your life. Just figure out how to get through the next year while you get on your feet. In one years time you can then sit down and think about a longer term plan when you are in a better place emotionally having just left a long abusive relationship.

I'm sorry you are going through this but you will come out the other side.

GP referral - free therapy is available - all be it with a waiting list.

Take it one day at a time.

Hope things improve for you OP

You have already done so well to get out of this relationship. When I feel defeated I find writing down all the things which are now better than they were, thanks to my efforts, things which are going in the right direction helps. This can be v small things like - out of relationship, time to hear myself think, perfect cup of tea, reading good book etc. Helps me spot the positives.

Like the others above, I'd strongly advise focussing on yourself now. Its putting the oxygen mask on first. I know what its like to come out of an abusive relationship where there is no time/space/back up to hear yourself. It takes time to decompress, you're at that stage now, don't rush things. It is not surprising you are completely weary, things will get better.

I appreciate you're in another country, but going to your doctor and seeing how far a referral to counselling might be possible could help. It sounds you're feeling understandably low, and seeing what medical support there could be, could make a difference.

One of the things I struggled with on divorce was that things that had been possible before, including financially, weren't after divorce. It sounds to me that the dogs, and the energy to keep them, might be one of those things. I had to have eg clear conversations with my teens about what was no longer possible financially, and when they became young adults, about financial contributions they needed to make to shared costs. It wasn't easy, but matters, and helps us see ourselves as not just a mother, but also an individual who is doing her best, but can't prioritise all the balls in the air.

I got great support from MN, and also through reading threads of others, started to see echoes of my situation. Good luck.

OP it sounds very overwhelming. You need to take it one day at a time, and try to build on one thing at a time.

What kind jobs have you done in the past? It might help us advise on other possible career paths.

How old are your other DC? You mention your youngest being 11, are the others old enough to help with childcare now and again so you can have more time to yourself?
Can they help with looking after the basic needs of the pets (walking, feeding. etc), help with a few household chores?
It’s not unfair to ask for their help. When I was younger I did things to help my resident parent and didn’t see it as a burden or unfair, it just taught me independence and I’ve done the same with my DC (even when he was younger, little things like putting washing away and taking a the dog for a walk).

You will have plenty to offer someone when you feel properly ready to date. My friend said the same as you recently and I could think of loads of qualities she had that she could offer someone, she has just been on a downer about herself and can’t see it.

Things will get better, and your children will not begrudge helping you get where you need to be in order to see you happier 💐

I can't imagine things ever getting better.

I fear homelessness too. My ex has squandered all our money, still 'punishes' me by reducing child maintenance when he thinks I've been impolite to him. The financial settlement is not yet signed.

I feel sick and worried all the time.

No time or money to retrain.

It's just awful. And I deserve it because I was dumb enough not to develop a proper career during our marriage. I had no idea he would turn out to be the utter monster he is. He's been convicted of assault against me here.

I have an MSc in marketing but that world has changed so very much since 2003 and ageism is a real problem.

I just feel it's over for me really. No good prospects in terms of work. Once the kids are grown and gone - and I want them to feel and be empowered, free and independent- that's it really. There's nothing left.

I wish I could get out of this negative spiral but I can't. It's all too much.

I read many heartening stories on MN about women who have rebuilt their lives after divorce and horrible experiences. I often wonder how?

one day at a time, bit by bit. I'm 6 years post separation, it's the little things that you don't think about. The new lampshades, the new picture, then you suddenly realise the house is yours and has your stamp on it.

I joined a gym and stuck to it, I got rid of my wedding and engagement rings and it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders (I put the money towards spending money for a holiday). Money is tight but I've learnt going out during the day is cheaper as I don't have to get a cab back and can often choose the lunchtime specials or just have a couple of drinks.

My ex left me a load of shit to deal with, he fucked off travelling and left me to deal with the final bills from the house (plus all my own for my new place). But he's a manipulative arsehole and leaching off some other poor woman now.

When I started dating I was really surprised at the type of men I attracted because I had spent years being told I was fat, ugly, stupid and had nothing to offer. I realised I wasn't any of those and that I could have really interesting conversations and hold my own in a room, that people actually liked me.

Awe OP I know it feels hopeless now but it won’t feel like this forever.

You weren’t dumb to put your family first and not your career, it happens to lots of people, if we all believed this could happen to us we would never get married and have children, unless we were very wealthy.

With regards to your job, you have lots of transferable skills even if marketing isn’t currently an option for you. What aspects of the role do you particularly enjoy?

I don’t know what the situation is in your country, but in the UK you could access therapy via a GP referral, you could access funding for further education if on a low income, and you could get the CSA involved for child maintenance so your ex can’t pick and choose how much you get. Its worth doing an online search to see if any of these services are available where you are

one day at a time, bit by bit. I'm 6 years post separation, it's the little things that you don't think about. The new lampshades, the new picture, then you suddenly realise the house is yours and has your stamp on it.

This. I too am a few years down the line but to begin with I was bereft. I couldn't understand why I was so upset because I hated him towards the end of the marriage, his behaviour towards me was awful. I used to fantasize about life without him but now I was crying when I really didn't want to be. I think you need to go through these emotions, grieving what you should have had, and what has been taken from you.

Bit by bit, picture by lampshade, meal cooked and eaten without complaint, clothes worn without comment, you will start to feel lighter. Don't think about making big changes now or trying to do too much at once. Get through your days, doing things your way.

Start taking back your power. If the tax return is for you and if his input is actually needed tell the tax authorities that you don't have the information - let them deal with him. If it's for him, fuck him, his problem. My ex tried to keep me dependent on him for financial paperwork stuff but I eventually started sorting it out for myself - it wasn't as difficult as he made out, companies were very helpful, the world didn't end because whatever was done about such and such an account. It's these little victories that don't seem like a huge amount at the time but they build up - like the opposite of the boiling frog that got you to where you are now.

You will become yourself again, it will take time, you need to work through and process what he did to you, it won't be easy but try and appreciate when things go well, no matter how small they are. If it's getting the bins out when it's not raining - that's a win; if it's a tipped milk jug falling into the sink rather than on the floor - another win.

I don't have a huge life now but I have peace and contentment. If anything else comes along I'm in the right place for it but for now my life is a pleasure because I can live it my way.

It's just awful. And I deserve it

Stop that right now. You do not deserve it. I've no doubt he will have manipulated you into making many of the choices you made. You did not deserve any of his abuse, which is what got you here. You wouldn't say other victims of abuse deserve whatever they're going through, would you? So try and be more sympathetic towards yourself - being kind to yourself, as PPs have said, makes such a difference.

I had no idea he would turn out to be the utter monster he is.

We never do. I'm still looking back and realising that his behaviours were abusive/manipulative/whatever. I didn't realise what I was living with (apart from the obvious stuff which he just denied or accused me of gaslighting him). It wasn't until my WA support worker pointed out that his behaviour was abusive that I started to realise what I'd been living with. It was just my norm. I didn't know any better because it was my mother's norm too. Do not blame yourself in any way