Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is she interested and if so what do I do?!?

26 replies

Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 02:39

OK, I feel a bit daft posting this as I will probably sound like I am having a mid life crisis 😂

I'm in my 40s and a gay, single mum. I've not been on any dates since divorcing 6 years ago, partly because I don't really have any spare time (full on job and my child has SEN, so don't get any me time) but mostly because I've not been fussed about getting out there tbh. I'm autistic and as such find it really difficult figuring out if women are being friendly or are actually interested and flirting with me.

There is someone, however, that I really like. We occasionally see each other at school pick up and at school events. If she is talking to someone in the playground and then notices me, her face lights up. The other day, I was walking towards the school and heard a "Hi!" and when I looked up, she was quite a way ahead of me, walking into the after school club but smiling and waving at me. I've noticed her looking at me at times. When we get chance to chat, she always remembers what we've talked about before and asks me what I've been up to, what I've got planned for holidays etc. We just seem to click.

So, here is the problem. She is actually a teacher at the school. She doesn't actually teach my little one anymore though and hasn't done for 2 years. In any other situation I probably would try and gauge things a bit more, e.g. ask out for a coffee or something (I'd be punching above my weight though, she is fit), but because of the fact she used to be little one's teacher, I'm not sure if that is allowed or not.

Has anyone here ever asked a teacher at their kid's school out before? Any teachers dated a parent of a child at their school?

OP posts:
wandawaves · 28/04/2024 03:39

Terrible idea for so many reasons OP.
She sounds like she's just being polite, especially if she's a teacher at the school.
And no, you should not date your child's teacher.

awakeatnightmare · 28/04/2024 06:47

It's an absolute no go.

thanKyouaIMee · 28/04/2024 06:52

She doesn't sound like she's giving any obvious signals that she's romantically interested in you from what you've said - everything you've mentioned sounds similar to a friendly relationship, waving, smiling, remembering conversations etc.

NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 07:13

Hi @Matsukaze , I would guess that she wants to get to know you better. for whatever reason. [I hope it's not MLM and wants you on her team!] 🤔
No one's face lights up on seeing an ordinary school gate acquaintance. How does she know you are gay? Have you told her.
On the ethics dilemma; Leave it to her to tell you first what is permitted or good practice. Then you can decide.
On the other hand, maybe she is just being friendly. To me it seems that meeting her for Coffee chat/gossip etc. would help you understand what is going on.

If you want to chat PM me.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 07:44

awakeatnightmare · 28/04/2024 06:47

It's an absolute no go.

I'd say it's a no go to advise someone not to do what they want to do without offering any reason whatsoever. Unless you just want them to blindly follow what you say.

As for the previous comment 'You should not date your child's teacher', well, this woman isn't your child's teacher, so the comment is based on a misconception.

There are no 'shoulds'. Not sure what the deal is with adults telling other adults categorically what they 'should' and 'shouldn't' do, or what's 'right' or 'wrong'. Unless there's a rule, we each make decisions according to our own morals, not someone else's.

How often do you get these opportunities to chat? What is she interested in? I think I'd go down that route, and keep it casual. So, for example, if you know she likes a particular sort of music, mention that you're thinking of going to xyz gig. If she says 'Oh, have a lovely time, that band's great!', you'll be none the wiser, but if she says 'Oh, I'd love to go to that gig...' she opens the door for you to say 'Well, join me if you like, I'm sure we'd have a laugh!' and just keep it casual. If you make it clear you're open to spending social time together, you don't have to worry about the romance part, it'll happen on its own.

How would your child feel about you seeing a previous teacher?

Gallowayan · 28/04/2024 08:06

@Watchkeys You say: "there are no shoulds". But there are codes of conduct which professionals are required to follow and this might be an issue.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:12

Gallowayan · 28/04/2024 08:06

@Watchkeys You say: "there are no shoulds". But there are codes of conduct which professionals are required to follow and this might be an issue.

Then the professional in question will be required to follow the code of conduct in question. OP would be absolutely fine to walk up to someone who wasn't allowed, according to their 'professional code of conduct', and say 'Would you like to go on a date with me?', and it would be up to the professional to say 'Oh, I can't, there's a code of conduct I have to follow due to my role.'

It's not for OP to worry about. She hasn't been given a code of conduct, so she can conduct herself as she likes, as long as it's within the law.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:20

@NewGirlinClass

What's the relevance of that thread here, other than it's a woman dating a woman? OP isn't asking for advice on how to start dating women.

Gallowayan · 28/04/2024 08:28

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 08:12

Then the professional in question will be required to follow the code of conduct in question. OP would be absolutely fine to walk up to someone who wasn't allowed, according to their 'professional code of conduct', and say 'Would you like to go on a date with me?', and it would be up to the professional to say 'Oh, I can't, there's a code of conduct I have to follow due to my role.'

It's not for OP to worry about. She hasn't been given a code of conduct, so she can conduct herself as she likes, as long as it's within the law.

Show quote history

Exactly

Original poster
Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 09:23

wandawaves · 28/04/2024 03:39

Terrible idea for so many reasons OP.
She sounds like she's just being polite, especially if she's a teacher at the school.
And no, you should not date your child's teacher.

There's no way I would date someone who is Ds current teacher. She hasn't taught him for 2 years, however.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 09:42

NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 07:13

Hi @Matsukaze , I would guess that she wants to get to know you better. for whatever reason. [I hope it's not MLM and wants you on her team!] 🤔
No one's face lights up on seeing an ordinary school gate acquaintance. How does she know you are gay? Have you told her.
On the ethics dilemma; Leave it to her to tell you first what is permitted or good practice. Then you can decide.
On the other hand, maybe she is just being friendly. To me it seems that meeting her for Coffee chat/gossip etc. would help you understand what is going on.

If you want to chat PM me.

She definately knows I'm gay because I co-parent with my ex-wife.

It's difficult, isn't it? If it wasn't in these circumstances, I would casually invite out to do something low key and see what the response is, but because I'm not sure what the code of conduct is, I'm stuck. I mean, if she was DS current teacher, it obviously wouldn't be appropriate. But as she now isn't, it's not as clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 10:04

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 07:44

I'd say it's a no go to advise someone not to do what they want to do without offering any reason whatsoever. Unless you just want them to blindly follow what you say.

As for the previous comment 'You should not date your child's teacher', well, this woman isn't your child's teacher, so the comment is based on a misconception.

There are no 'shoulds'. Not sure what the deal is with adults telling other adults categorically what they 'should' and 'shouldn't' do, or what's 'right' or 'wrong'. Unless there's a rule, we each make decisions according to our own morals, not someone else's.

How often do you get these opportunities to chat? What is she interested in? I think I'd go down that route, and keep it casual. So, for example, if you know she likes a particular sort of music, mention that you're thinking of going to xyz gig. If she says 'Oh, have a lovely time, that band's great!', you'll be none the wiser, but if she says 'Oh, I'd love to go to that gig...' she opens the door for you to say 'Well, join me if you like, I'm sure we'd have a laugh!' and just keep it casual. If you make it clear you're open to spending social time together, you don't have to worry about the romance part, it'll happen on its own.

How would your child feel about you seeing a previous teacher?

Show quote history

I'd say our paths cross a couple of times a week where it is only a chance to acknowledge each other, say hi etc, because we are both in the middle of something else. If I've not been talking to someone else she will come up to me and have a chat, usually about theatre, music, travel, what she has been up to during school holidays. We can be stood talking for about 10 mins.

When DS was in her class when he started at the school, we used to have a quick natter most mornings at drop off, mostly at the time it was to do with extra help that DS needed/referrals etc, but with some general bits thrown in, like talking about plans for the weekend. At the end of the year she did say that she was going to miss our chats every day.

Tbh, I don't think ds would have any strong feelings either way. He really likes her, but unless you are talking about his special interests (football) he's not fussed about discussing anything else in detail (he is awaiting an asd assessment).

OP posts:
NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 10:06

It's difficult, isn't it? If it wasn't in these circumstances, I would casually invite out to do something low key and see what the response is, but because I'm not sure what the code of conduct is, I'm stuck. I mean, if she was DS current teacher, it obviously wouldn't be appropriate. But as she now isn't, it's not as clear.

@Matsukaze I do understand about the uncertainty and you wondering about her motives. Maybe she want to be extra reassuring to you because things might be difficult for you. Or perhaps she wants to know you better as you are now free.
May I repeat what I said about letting her, as a professional teacher assess the ethics of any friendship that might happen.
But I think you will have to meet her face to face to find out.

Bbq1 · 28/04/2024 10:23

Are you certain the teacher is actually gay?

NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 10:35

The teacher might be 'curious'. If so, it will be another complication to be considered by OP. If teacher is gay or bi-curious she will not say it out loud in public.
The two ladies will need to meet in a neutral way to help settle the mind of the OP.

SharkyMark · 28/04/2024 10:41

I think it's a terrible idea but if you really must then ask her if she'd like to go for coffee sometime just to genuinely know her more out of the school, not as a date at this stage. If she says yes, swap numbers and meet up without your kid. See if you get vibes more than friendship when you see her then.
It would have been better if you'd asked her when she said she'll miss your chats but hey ho hindsight is a wonderful thing.

LineMadeByWalking · 28/04/2024 10:45

I think I’d be concerned my child would be on her class again at some point. At both primaries DS has attended, teachers do shift around, so his current class has actually had their current teacher for two different years, ditto the teacher they had last year they also had four years earlier.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 13:03

but because I'm not sure what the code of conduct is, I'm stuck

No you're not. It's not your code of conduct. You're completely at liberty to do anything, as long as it's within the law.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2024 13:08

NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 10:35

The teacher might be 'curious'. If so, it will be another complication to be considered by OP. If teacher is gay or bi-curious she will not say it out loud in public.
The two ladies will need to meet in a neutral way to help settle the mind of the OP.

@Matsukaze Are you actually concerned about the teacher's sexuality, or is it more about her being in the position she's in?

Some posters seem intent that you not being sure of her sexuality is an issue, but we don't know if a) you're not sure about her sexuality or b) it's an issue!

Original poster
Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 13:27

@Watchkeys It's about the position she's in, which is the main issue, because that makes it tricky whether I can actually get to know her better in a social situation, which would then make the rest of it clearer 😂with the circumstances, there are no real clues about her orientation, no mention of a partner etc.

Let's put it this way. If she wasn't a teacher at the school, I would be asking her if she fancied going for coffee, catching a show etc, just to hang out in a different environment and get to know each other better.

OP posts:
SharkyMark · 28/04/2024 13:33

But you're very chatty already, asking her out for a coffee isn't officially a date and isn't a love declaration, it's still ambiguous and if she doesn't want to she will make her excuses and you both save face and can carry on just saying hello and a brief chat on the school run, no big deal!
If you'd asked her out for dinner or to come over, that's more like a date but a coffee is still so ambiguous and vague it doesn't scream I fancy you. It's even milder than going for a drink! A day time coffee is something very platonic. You're now just talking your way out of it and it sounds like your intention with posting was just to get a read on the situation rather than a next step.
So does she fancies you based on all this? We can't tell, sorry. How can you safely know? Ask her to join you for a coffee one day. Or you can just pine for her from a distance...

Original poster
Matsukaze · 28/04/2024 13:42

@SharkyMark I totally don't mind casually asking and I'm fine about potentially getting a knock back, and I wouldn't feel awkward about it at all, but I guess what I am trying to figure out is whether teachers and parents can socialise or whether it is an absolute no-no. I don't want to make her feel awkward or cause any bother for her with work

OP posts:
NewGirlinClass · 28/04/2024 14:05

@NewGirlinClassis it possible that she will already have experience in defusing possible unacceptable offers from all kinds of people. Not just romantic offers from men or women but 'pushy' parents who want special advice or dispensations for their little darlings.
Your Teacher friend is a professional, Offer to meet neutrally some time. I think she will seek to reassure you. She is much better informed than you or us.

Go for it, neither of you can lose anything by meeting for coffee in public.

Vastlyoverrated · 28/04/2024 14:15

I think this is ok, and it sounds like she might be potentially interested, by saying she missed your daily chats, and bounding up to you if she gets the opportunity. I don't think it would be compromising to suggest grabbing a coffee, friends do this, but it might be the start of something as well. If she knows your ex was a woman she knows the score as to your romantic inclinations should the case arise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread