Should I tell him how I feel

[LottyRen]

Myself and my husband of 4 years separated in Feb after i found out he’d been having a sexual conversation with another woman. This wasn’t the first time this had happened (the 4th in fact) and the previous instances meant I totally withdrew from him when it came to intimacy and I froze. We had previously agreed to work through it all but nothing changed on either side and i when I discovered it had happened again, it broke me and we separated on the basis we would work on ourselves and potentially try to rebuild our marriage. He’s found his own place and says he is focussing on nurturing his relationship with his daughter and his mental health. The time apart has really helped put things into perspective for me and rightly or wrongly, I miss him and I believe he is my soulmate. He is avoiding any talk of “us” at the moment, im in limbo and have given him several opportunities to call time on our marriage only to be met with “it’s not that straightforward” and “there’s a lot to think about”. I’ve mentioned divorce and he goes mad. Part of me wants to tell him I miss him and I want to start from scratch and see if there is something to rebuild but should I just leave him to what he focussing on. For context we text daily and have been intimate a few times since and are on decent terms, we just never speak about our future (we have a house together). I just don’t know what to do. I know I sound crazy after what has happened but I can’t help it.

Of course he doesn't want to discuss the future, the current situation suits him perfectly. Still gets to sleep with you and have loads of privacy to continue his pervy chats.

He clearly prefers the status quo.

The concept of a ‘soulmate’ is pretty daft, and, were it to exist, it wouldn’t be a guy who got his rocks off by having sleazy conversations with other women on at least four occasions during your marriage. I’d cut this one free and focus on your own life.

Divorce can be expensive. He’s likely stalling so he can get his finances sorted. You should be doing the same. Make sure you have all the details of pensions etc. Do you have DC together?

Are you fine with him continuing with his sex-convos with other women, time and time again? Then, by all means, tell him he is your soulmate.
Live with him, happily ever after! But he will continue to have sexual conversations with other women.

No children together. I’ve no finances to sort to be honest. I work and it pays all the bills and have downgraded my car to help pay the mortgage for a bit

He's keeping his options open.
He's no doubt keeping you in the background whilst he looks around for a better option then once he is satisfied he's not missing out he will be back .

It depends if you're willing to accept this .

A soulmate wouldn’t have sexual conversations with any other woman, let alone 4!

Soul destroyer more like!!

He's not your soulmate. He's a cheating bastard.

Sorry but you have in no way sorted through anything yourself. Its only been 2 months! I suspect you've got as far as missing him. Not only that, but in those 2 months you've had contact every day and been intimate with him - so basically made no progress whatsoever yourself.
Just as well he has more resolve, as you have taken exactly no time by yourself and still cannot see the wood for the trees. If you get back together now, expect more of the same.

How can he be your soulmate if he’s emotionally cheated on you 5 times that you know of?
And how can you be willing to go back for yet more of this humiliating shit? Do you not realise you deserve much better than this sleazebag?

I’d move on OP

Feeling he’s your soulmate is, I’m sorry to say, fairly meaningless. Unless a soulmate is someone who happily hurts you over and again. Then moves out and shows no signs of wanting to change or build trust with you again. Except for doing just enough to get you to shag him here and there (please get sti tests and don’t do it again). Feelings aren’t truth.

Look at his actions. That is who you are dealing with. By the way, he’s done more than sext 4 women. That’s just what you’ve found out. Thankfully it’s only 4 years. Don’t make it 5.

💐

He likes keeping you on his string, op, and it's a fucking shame you can't, or refuse, to see it.

You are his ever dependable fallback. No matter how many times he fucks you over, there you are, willing to put up with even more of his shit, and you throw in easy shags, too.

Want better.

Wow, no sugaring the pill here! For what it’s worth, all of what is being said has gone through my head, I’m not naive and despite what it may sound like I’m not a fool. I haven’t felt or allowed myself to feel anything for the last few years and I suppose what I feel now is coming through extra loudly. I suppose the silly thing is, I’d be saying something similar as those who have kindly taken the time to post here. My head and my heart are at odds and it’s a sad place to be

I’m sorry OP. It is sad.

It’s horrible missing someone so much. But sometimes when you break down what it is you miss mostly is having someone. Company and conversation and someone to go places with. You will find that again. With someone who wouldn’t waste time sexting other women once you’re in their life.

The fact it has happened multiple times is a red flag.

how does he feel about getting back. Maybe he is waiting for you to do this? You could tell him how you feel and then if it is to work that you need counselling etc to fix this.

had you done anything in the past to fix it? It sounds like he is not bothered and checked out. But, if you feel like this and do nothing it will take longer to heal and you will always think “what if”. Maybe offer a choice, divorce or you work on this together but no more chances. Then if it fails you can move on quicker?

We haven’t discussed getting back together. He is having therapy as he says his behaviour is a as a result of trauma in his past. In the past, all the right things have been said but then we get back in a rut of not communicating and just existing together.

That was the problem I had. Wife had a fling and we didn’t deal with it. Had another and again brushed under the carpet as I wanted to save the marriage. This however caused trust issues with me and I found it hard to love properly after and did subconsciously try to punish her. Obviously that ended.

if you both can understand the reasons and work together to avoid it happening you stand a chance but he needs to convince you.

Why would your soulmate be a sleaze?

You really need to go no contact with him. Once you’ve done that things will soon look very different.