Staying together for the kids and finances

[Antonio85]

With the current squeeze on many people up and down the country, I suspect we'll see more and more people staying together for reasons not feelings.

Has anyone done this for a long period of time? I have been doing this for around 3 years now.

I'll be doing it until I no longer have to pay maintenance payments and the kids have grown up. There are times I would love to leave my partner. Other times I'm not so sure. We have talked and tried to make things work. The main barrier is money. I do love living with my 2 DD's though and enjoy some magical moments that I would never experienced had I left the family home. But honestly I'd have gone a while ago if it wasn't for having to pay out the maintenance payments. By the way, I fully agree with maintenance payments and they are essential and important.

I won't have a bad word to say about DP but the relationship is impossible to save now. It's just sticking a plaster over the problems. I've felt this way for the past 3 years and I might have a couple of months where it subsides, but it comes back like waves. I will never shy away from my responsibility and make sure I provide for my family.

For context for this thread, my partner works part time on NMW and she has difficulties with anxiety. So I understand she can't just get a job elsewhere or pick up more hours. I support her and encourage her. I utilise the flexibility in my job to do this. I'm on above average wages but some way away from being able to live reasonably well whilst paying out 16% each month. I would give her every penny of the equity in the house just to be able to start again. But I can't start again if I'm losing 16% of my wage. I would be putting myself in a financially vulnerable position and her in the hands of government support.

This is a toxic relationship at times, but not an abusive relationship and I know there'll be people out there in a much worse position than me, male and female. I recognise the need for urgency for anyone who is in an abusive relationship. This does not apply to me. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated for my situation. Thanks 😊

The state of your relationship might be a contributory factor in your partner's anxiety. You are not doing yourself, her or your children any favours by staying in an unhappy relationship. If you abandon ship when the last child leaves home, do you not think they'll realise that their childhood with you and their mother was a sham? Do you think they don't see the toxic stuff? It's a horrible thing to do to them. Be honest and work out a better way through this.

@unsync It might be. But throw in me leaving and her inevitably having to pick up more hours, would her anxiety get better?

I don't think they'll see it as a sham. Nor should they. We've had some wonderful moments and there's some respect going both ways.

I've been in your shoes and it's a hard decision to make. I stayed for a long time because I saw how my single mum friends were struggling financially and missing their children terribly when they were apart.

We did eventually find a half way decision and I'm wondering if you may have the opportunity to do the same. Could you stay somewhere else for part of the week? My ex managed to rent a room from a friend who happened to also work away 2 nights a week, so the children stayed with him on those nights. I slowly got used to being away from the children and so did he. You would have to really think about ways to be creative but it's sometimes doable.

Society seems to believe that separation has to be this all or nothing situation and it does for some, where abuse is involved but doesn't need to be that way for everyone. If he anxiety is the reason you're staying though, I don't think that it's a reason to stay. Resentment will be creating an atmosphere in the home for everyone. Her anxiety will likely improve when there is more of a line drawn in the sand between you both. Mine certainly improved.

I know a couple in this situation. They both earn quite well, but there quality of life would drop alot of they split.

They couldn't afford to live in our area separately, which then causes issues for the kids getting to school, so then, do they move the kids school, away from all their mates. They think it's too much upheaval for them and owe them the stability of the life they have.

They have decided to stay under the same roof but like room mates rather than lovers, they still share a bed as their is no real animosity. They don't argue or have any atmosphere, so kids are really not the wiser as they weren't really ta tactile before.

Non have started to want to date anyone else yet, they laugh saying it will be hotel rooms away with "work" but in reality they don't know.

I seem to recall a thread like this from the not too recent past.

Never stay together 'for the kids'.

Incredibly damaging and they will not thank you later when you do go separate ways and find out their entire bank of childhood memories of you as a family were ostensibly a lie.

@Rec0veringAcademic any good?

@ObliviousCoalmine why were they a lie? Been some wonderful moments. Magical. Genuinely

For you. Because you know the status quo.

For them, they're good moments now but when they look back they're highly likely to question the reality of what was genuine from you.

I see this at work a lot.

You'll also be modelling some pretty poor relationship behaviours to them. Even if you're on good terms, the lack of being in love is obvious. Kids aren't stupid. It's damaging.