Extended family make no effort!

[LaraS2511]

Both my parents died in 2010. My Uncles, Aunts & cousins apart from one live in the North of England. I’m in the South & so were my parents before their death. I have one cousin living approx 30 minute drive from me. When my parents were alive they would make the effort to see how she was, would invite her for lunch etc given she was living close by, made the effort when she became a Mum. Over the years, one of my Aunts would send my children cards, Birthday & Christmas but my eldest daughter turned 18 in April & had nothing, not even a comment on FB, none of the other cousins said Happy Birthday. Since the death of my parents in 14 yrs there has been two occasions where my cousin & my Aunt (when she has been visiting the south to see her daughter) have asked if I want to meet for a coffee etc, both times I have been & all been nice. My Aunt regularly comes to the South & frequently posts on FB days out in London & areas close to me. Am I right to feel hurt, these are the only extended family I have, it’s bad enough losing both parents 3 months apart in my 20’s but not to make any effort especially a card on my daughter’s 18th. When my mum was alive I remember her saying something about they never made an effort, I’m thinking of defriending all of them on FB, the pictures & posts are depressing me. What would you do?

I would delete them on FB or mute them (I don’t have SM so don’t know the options). This often happens in families, the person/people who were the family glue pass away and then the extended family drift apart.
Cherish the memories of the past, but focus on making new memories with your own children.

Do you do much inviting of them? It sounds like you're just waiting for them to invite you, rather than being a two-way street.

I think this is a difficult one. Lots of people don’t have close relationships with cousins and Aunts, especially once they reach adulthood and especially if they live far away.

In the past, how did they respond when you wanted to visit them? Were they welcoming?

Are you still sending cards to them? If so stop. I wouldn’t take them off Facebook but I would try and find a way to be at peace with it and just match their effort.

Or if you want an active relationship maybe call an aunt or your cousin and talk to them about it.

I have before when my son was born & my cousin came to my house for a coffee but they are all significantly older than me, I’m the one who lost my parents if it was the other way round I would be making the effort & I know my parents would have done!

It is your responsibility as much as it is theirs to keep in touch. It doesn't matter that they are older, you're not a child so you are capable of inviting them over. They probably feel that they have reached out a couple of times to you and it hasn't been reciprocated.

Honestly if you don't reach out to people, it can easily slide. They may think you're not particularly interested in maintaining the relationships if you haven't pursued contact/invited them to things.

Were you sending cards and presents to the cousins' children and communicating with them?

It's not just on them.

You can't be 'right to be hurt' or 'wrong to be hurt'. Feelings don't have to obey rules. That's like saying 'Am I right to dislike yoghurt' or 'am I wrong to like action films'.

They are not doing things the way you want them to, and you're hurt. The healthy thing to do, if you want a healthy relationship, would be to talk to them about it. Can you do that?

My Mum is gone. So I get the feelings of wishing someone was there to take on a more parental role.

But you are an adult. It’s incredibly sad that you lost your parents so close together. And it’s bound to impact you and form a lot of your thoughts and feelings.

But you losing your parents almost 20 years ago won’t be forming part of theirs. Their lives move on. If your parents and you didn’t form part of their daily life, the loss isn’t the same. And relationships are reciprocal. You don’t make an effort and they don’t. Though it seems that one sent regular cards.

once you are an adult it doesn’t really matter who is older, with cousins. Older cousins don’t have anymore obligation than younger cousins to foster a relationship. And, in regards to aunts, they will now be getting old. So you could argue that you, as an adult, should be putting more effort with elderly relatives if you want a relationship, if you think age should be a factor in levels of effort.

Losing our parents impacts us so much. But it just doesn’t have the same level of impact on others. Especially when they live quite far away and aren’t intertwined in our daily’s lives. My Dad told me how he coped with losing his mum at a fairly young age and he think it helped that he moved away at 19. Although it was very upsetting, he was used to her not being sort of his daily life. There was no mobiles to texting back and forth. She didn’t even have a home phone so it would be weeks between them speaking and months between them seeing each other.

You think your parents would have done x or y, or you would do X or Y. But you don’t know what you would or be doing almost 20 years later. You don’t know what would happen in the years in between that would impact your behaviour. Or whether you would be putting in lots of effort with a relative living far away that suffered a bereavement a long time ago.

I was talking to my daughter about my mum and one thing that came up is how upsetting it is that the world kept turning. And other peoples lives went back to normal and ours didn’t. It’s upsetting, but it’s how it is and how it should be. The world has to keep turning.

I would encourage you to open up lines of communication with them again, if you want to be involved in their lives. Visit them. And if they don’t reciprocate after a bit of effort on your part, then you know.

They aren't making an effort, but neither are you.