How do I come clean?

[ChoccyEgg]

I've been married for 16 years. We were happy in the beginning but not now. He's a complete misery, never wants to do anything or go anywhere. In the 16 years we have been together we have never once had a holiday or been away anywhere overnight.

We don't talk, he spends every night on the PC chatting until early hours of the morning and comes to bed when I'm already asleep. He stays up there from when he gets in from work until 2-3am only coming down for tea and toilet.

Anyway I was so sick of him not wanting to go anywhere that I decided I would take the kids abroad. He would not want to go so I never mentioned it to him, I just started saving secretely in my bank acount.

This was 2 years ago and I now have £1000 there and am going to apply for passports next week and book the holiday but DH is still none the wiser. What makes it worse is that we have been really struggling with money, DH has been stressing over how we're going to pay this and how we're going to pay that but all the time I've had this money in bank and not told him.

I really don't know how to tell him now, it didn't seem like I was doing a bad thing at the time but when I think back to how worried he has been about our finances he is going to hit the roof And to add salt to the wound, I don't work so I can't even say I earnt it myself, its all the child tax credits I've been saving up.

Am I in the wrong?
Would your hubby hit the roof?
How should I tell him?

Can't you tell him it is for all of you and that it was a surprise? Then he can come or not but he won't be able to call you selfish. You are entitled to a break more than once in 16 years IMO.

Why tell him? Say you won the holiday on mumsnet

Er, do you want to use it to go on holiday with him? Or to do something else?

I think the CD answer is a good one if you do not think that this is a fundamental issue in your relationship -- if you are happy after 16 years to continue to live like this, then best not to rock the boat ..I would lie and say I won it.. but tbh I would not be living like this...

Do you think that your problems might go beyond just a secret holiday?

Don't mean to be presumptious or anything, but I don't think I would be able to put up with some of the behaviours that you are describing....

Strikes me it's your running away money, should you need it.

It will take a lot of courage to sit him down and come clean, but it sounds like you need to have a really open discussion about more than just holidays and money. In fact, it sounds like if you actually had an honest conversation with this man, both of you would hit the roof, given the current state of communication between you.

You could always get his attention in an email first? That way, you could write down everything you are thinking and check it through a few times first, and give him some time to respond.

Quite honestly, I think you deserve a holiday. Well done for saving the money. That's quite an achievement. Agree with MrsDKR. Tell him it's for all of you. He might be cross, but you must stress that you all deserve a holiday, whatever else is happening in your lives. If you react calmly but assertively to his (possible) annoyance, this could be the opening of important communication channels for you both.

If you want to tell him the truth and use the money to make everyday life easier and pay off some bills you could tell him that you've just discovered it in a bank account you had forgotten about?

You could always disclose half of it and save the rest...

Sounds like he needs a holiday.

Have you been and/or are you still in serious debt?

I saw a recent newspaper article about internet addiction. It sounds like that might be your DP. It leads to depression and has very negative effects. It might be worth lokoking into. Maybe he needs help. In any case aholiday with no PC might be a start...

Or looking into...

Won't he have to sign the passport application forms for the children?