Struggling with life

[Br9301]

Hi all, apologies if this is hard to read, I'm dyslexic. I'm not self conscious about it but my grammar and spelling could be better so bare with me.

I'm having a really hard time at home atm, I love my wife so much but I feel we are losing our relationship. We have 2 children 5 and 2 both wonderful kids but they have taken over our lives to the point are marriage is none existent. DW has a really good job and is the main earner in our relationship, that has never bothered me untill she got her new role which is incredibly stressful and she works long hours. By the time she has finished work she spends what time she can with the children then after that will sit on her phone and we don't talk. She says she loves me and still finds me incredibly attractive which is nice to hear but we don't show any effection anymore. I'm spoken to her about working on our marriage but she doesn't seem to think there is a problem, we barely have sexual intimacy anymore and when i suggest we spice things up in the bedroom it doesn't go very far, I'm not a sex pest I just want to be closer to my wife and make it more exciting, occasionally and show her how much I love her. Also our 5 year old sleeps in our bed also she has a detachment issue with dw which doesn't help. I'm miserable, I want the relationship I use to have with my wife. I'm having intruding thoughts that its inevitable my marriage will fail in the up coming years.

probable not the most interesting thread on here, just wondered if anyone feels the same or can offer any advice.

You have problems and you need to sort them now, if left they will get worse.

Suggest you say to her that you love her but am not happy how things are and suggest counselling such as relate.

Why did DW go for the new job with long hours and stress? Is it because the family needs the extra money? If so, why couldn't you earn the extra money?

What I will say is that life with small children and full-on jobs leaves energy for very little else. In a few years things will be easier.

Probably talking about "spicing things up" isn't the best way of addressing lack of sex. It makes it seem like you want swinging from chandeliers and long sessions, which is going to be more off-putting if she's not feeling particularly sexy at the moment.

She's working long hours, she wants time with the kids, you're not connecting emotionally as a couple when there's downtime.

Have you tried date nights and trying to rekindle the emotional intimacy and a bit of old-fashioned romance?

My dw took the job because of the mortgage going up, I would earn more if I could but I'm limited in what I can do, I work hard and always give 100% but doesn't mean I'm capable of doing a high paying job. Also as for spicing things up I don't mean swinging or anything like that just want to make it more fresh and exciting.

"Swinging from the chandeliers" was just a silly expression, not a reference to actual swinging 😂

But if you're not having any sex or not much sex, I wouldn't be talking about "spicing it up" or trying to make it more exciting - it may make it seem like even if she does try to meet you partway, it won't be good enough. She has a lot of demands on her, don't make sex a chore or something she can fail at.

It's a cliche but true for a lot of women, that sex starts with the emotional/romantic connection.

If there's little affection between you, not much kissing, cuddling, talking, then you're miles off from having exciting sex. You need to try to rebuild that part of your relationship.

Don't start badgering her for sex. You might need that for intimacy and connection. But it sounds like she is running on empty. Does she get time ro do anything for herself without the kids? Last thing she needs is another demand put on her.

You need to connect in other non-sexual ways first. Sort out a baby sitter so you can do something together like go out for a meal and actually talk to each other. Take the initiative and don't leave it to her to sort it.

I just re-read your post again. If you want to show her how much you love her, do everything you can do to lighten her load. If you don't know how to do that, ask her.

Help her lighten up given the stress, make her laugh :) be playful, helps forge a bond again in a not heavy way.

Can you get a babysitter and go out by yourselves a few times (dates?) to get away from the house and children?

What's the situation with housework? Who does it and is it causing friction?

Talking of 'spicing up' a non-existent sex life is often the last thing a woman wants to hear. She may be too knackered/stressed for sex OR, like a lot of women, her sex drive has decreased after having children (too tired, busy, stressed).

Whatever the case, you need to have a frank talk to try to find out how she's managing life in general and how she sees your relationship.

She's running on empty. I'm guessing that by the end of the day she's got nothing left - she's talked and worked all day, she doesn't want to think and phone scrolling just doesn't ask too much of her.

I feel for you, but she's tired. The idea of sex when you're absolutely shattered and just want to zone and veg out is not appealing at all. It becomes another thing you have to do. I remember reading men have sex to de-stress, whereas women usually can't when they're feeling under pressure. It's not an outlet for us like that.

This, so much. Not sure how much of the physical load at home you pick up and how much of the mental load, but when I was in your DW situation, what would have made me more likely to fancy sex would be

• feeling less knackered and burnt out
• having someone take care of some stuff without me having to delegate/ micromanage
• for my partner to proactively solve some problems, take care of things before I even thought of them
• to feel looked after and appreciated

as it was, none of these things happened. I worked more and provided for us, but everything else related to managing family life, planning for the future also was on me.

If this is the situation in your home, she won’t feel like getting spicy in the bedroom.