Do you ever feel like you get 'Breadcrumbs' in a long term relationship ?

[isotiredtoday]

Can i ask MN , those in 20+ year relationships , do you ever feel like you get the bear minimum needed when it comes to effort with your romantic/sexual/affection love life ?

It feels like I get the min effort like ' breadcrumbs' just enough to keep from being friends/co-parents/living under the same roof. My DH has no interest in sex despite me explaining multiple times its so import to remain connected as a couple and its not even about the act , its the connection and feeling like im wanted in that way, we have 0 date nights , he never pays me a compliment. Hes so wrapped up in kids , work , hobbies , life i guess that i dont seem to factor much now , it makes me sad. Our sex life its maybe 1 / 2 times a month at best. I have explained multiple times how i feel and i wonder if this is why people seem to drift after decades together ? One feels settled and puts no effort in while the other feels invisible ?

I dont even got breadcrumbs now, we are in the separate bedrooms/no sex for many years/living under the same roof category.
We got here mainly due to DH not making any effort to correct his penis problems after going on antidepressants. And I agree with you that sex is so important in keeping you connected.
The fact is that you want a sexual relationship, and if he won’t address that and make it a priority, your relationship will fail. He needs to step up or let you go.

My husband is recently on antidepressants too, may I ask how he was effected ? Didn't know this was a side effect from that medication, obviously if you don't mind sharing x

I am with my husband 16 years and we made the very big mistake after 2 kids of completely neglecting the relationship. I am the type of person who needs affection and reassurance and I don't get that from him. I think we thought ah sure we are together so long nothing will happen we don't need to make an effort and now we are at breaking point.

I'm sorry you feel this way because I know how hard it is. I hope things get better for you.

@isotiredtoday he couldn’t come. He was told to try Viagra but he never did, didn’t even try it once.
In the end there was no point having sex as the whole point is for you both to enjoy it. So I said that there wasn’t any point in it, hoping it would jolt him into action, but it didn’t.
We are just two people who live together now, when the last child leaves it will be the end of us. Twice ive said we should split, but he says no, so I stay as it benefits me.

@Dgxx Thank you for your story , really helps to know im not a minority , but sad when i read so many MH stories of how common this issue is. @DustyLee123 ahh yes sounds familiar issue , im not convinced he needs antidepressants tbh , but then thats what the doctor has prescribed so i dont know.

Why is it men seem to be so content with a awful , boring unloving relationship with no sex life ? I love being a mum dont get me wrong , have loving relationships with my friend and older grown up children and a job i love , but i do wonder if its the reliable , security of staying as things are which keeps us from leaving ?

Its not even about finding a new relationship for me , its more what am i actually leaving behind ? yes a husband i know loves me but not alot more 😒

OP, you are not alone.

I also feel this way. I am working a days ATM, though not always all day. I'm still doing the grunt work whilst he's off running or whatever.
Last Sunday, I got up, mowed the lawn, did a food shop, sorted laundry, and put on 2 washes. Hoovered and tidyed. Encouraged the homework of DS. Then, I cooked up meals for the week ahead as we all have busy schedules. (I did get 2 hours of team sport, though)

DH got up, had a family Zoom call, and then headed off to watch the London marathon. Came home, ate, and went up to work. Or sat and read the paper.

And he wonders why I've lost interest in intimacy. Ffs. He's barely showing any interest in anything but himself these day. It's very unattractive tbh.

Hope you can move forward a bit.

@citychick its so frustrating isnt it !!!!! I too run house , care for 3 under 12 yr olds , work and have my grandaughter 2 days a week , as i say i adore caring fro them and watching them grow , but our marriage its awful , really doesnt go beyond co parenting ( to which he does bare min when im at work so has no choice )

So......I bought a motorhome coz ive always wanted one and nearly completed on a flat 10 mins away so not to disrupt kids school/routine too much 😱i cant lie im bricking it but its time to admit hes not gonna change and im not going to live a dull , sexless life with little affection , You never know it might give him the kick up the bum to make a effort !!!! Thats just my issue , he makes 0 effort unless it requires petrol and has 2 wheels 😶

Im trying to build my confidence and understand radical acceptance ( trying its quite hard to get my head around ) but i hope this helps me find myself and find my happy place X

Its hard to be intimate when your basic relationship is so awful , feels like a act/task rather than connecting as a couple