Staying for the children

[BirthdayRainbow]

I have read a lot of posts this week where women are saying they are staying or have done for the sake of the children.

Nine years ago I found out my h had had an affair, well he told me but only because someone else was about to, and I felt for reasons too personal to post, that I had to stay. Three reasons I can say were because I still loved him, I didn't want the children to be uprooted and I felt he'd been a good husband then and everyone is entitled to one mistake. All these later I feel differently so we don't need to dissect that specifically. This may sound like a contradiction but it's more a retrospective reflection and there's more to it than I can say here.

Now I'm divorcing him for something else and our children are 18-23. They are doing okay and I'm doing much much better than I ever thought I would. Less relevant is he is not doing okay at all.

Stay for yourself if you want but if you don't, don't stay for the children. It isn't fair as when they find out you stayed for them but were unhappy they will have guilt. You deserve to be happy. Not just the children.

I needed this, thank you. Good luck with everything. I hope that everything works out for you and you have the most amazing life xx

I am sorry you needed this @Leopardspots338 but I'm glad if it has helped. I thought long and hard before posting it as was expecting push back but I decided if it helped one person than it didn't matter if ten others disagreed.

You are absolutely right OP - in my experience staying 'for the kids' is probably actually more harmful to them than splitting up. It negatively affects the children if their parents are always fighting, or even if they're not but it is a cold distant atmosphere between the parents, I don't think it's good. It certainly isn't modeling to them what a healthy relationship should look like.

I eventually left my marriage (for many reasons) but knowing that my kids wouldn't have to continue observing (and possibly emulating in their own future relationships) a toxic atmosphere was one of them. I knew that once we adjusted we would be settled and happier overall. Best thing I ever did, wish I had done it sooner.

My children were shocked and that is a comfort to me that I did a very good job of hiding my pain but I'm still happy I left when I did as he behaved completely unforgivably.

@Mom2K be kind to yourself. You have left now. That's all that matters.

My parents stayed together for the children and my brother and I do not thank them for it.

It's such a shame @Zanatdy but it is what people did and sadly still think they should. Children are a lot smarter that many people realise.

Oh I totally agree..... My DC has recently told me the atmosphere at home was horrible and hated to be in the same room as us together. I thought because I didn't engage with DH in arguments and any we did have, were very low volume, I was keeping it all from DC's ..... Wrong.... They are very intune to what's going on in the house, they just don't say anything.