Am I being unreasonable .... to be fed up with DH pestering me for sex when I just don't feel like it right now.

[TheSweetLittleBunny]

FFS it's only been two weeks!!!

2 weeks since what? Surely not giving birth?

No, I lost my sex drive for years actually. Are you bf? That will certainly quash it for a while.

No two weeks since we last made love. Our DS is 4.5. I am a SAHM, we are skint so I haven't bought any clothes/make up/stuff to make me feel good in ages. We have been out alone together three times since DS was born, every thing I do and everyone I see is linked to being a mum and is child centred. I am bored out of my skull, so no, I just don't feel like it OK.

ANd I'm overweight. ALthough DH says he doesn't mind. But I mind. I'm fed up with hearing about what everyone needs - what about what I need?

perhaps if you could make time to do some things just for yourself, you would feel more sexy??

2 weeks between having sex is not a long time.

And pestering you is the way to make you least likely to want do it.

I agree you need to make time to feel good about yourself. It doesn't have to cost a lot either. Once you are happy about you you will be happy about him wanting you.

Can you talk to him about this?

Like what gemmiegoatlegs?

You need to get yourself out of that rut you are in.

You need to do stuff that will help you gain some confidence.

Confidence is sexy... you will feel better... you will feel sexy & therefore want sex. And the more you have sex the sexier you feel & the more you want sex... I think.

You probably need to pamper yourself a bit..doesn't have to be expensive...do you have someone who can have DS for a few hours or over-night?...

Well meemar it's two weeks since last time, and given that for the past year or so the gaps have been up to about four weeks that's not bad.

I can talk to him and have been trying to get him to see that I am not the sex kitten I was before we married because things have changed, ie, all the things I mentioned above. His life has not changed as drastically as mine in that he has a life at work, and work colleagues where he can go and talk about non-child centred things.

perhaps you can just have a long bath with some lovely salts or bubbles...a nice glass of good wine..give yourself a mini-facial and paint your nails..anything you like really...get some me time

YAB a bit U. I don't think you should be expected to have sex with your husband once a night ( which would be my DHs ideal) but I think once a week is not excessive.

Most men, rightly or wrongly, see sex as an expression of affection and if your DH is a good DH in most ways, then he deserves to feel loved occasionally.

Agree with the others though, it sounds like you are in a rut. I have recently lost a wee bit of weight, through cutting back what I eat, and I'm much more confident about DH seeing me naked even though I have more to lose.

DS won't go anywhere overnight without me - that's part of the problem.

WallofSIlence - I don't lack confidence - I'm just pissed off and bored and need some adult space - with adults who talk about "stuff". WHile I have been at home I have studied and I am looking for a job in my chosen career, which right now I do on a voluntary basis a couple of evenings a week.

is it possible for you to get some time out, give yourself a DIY luxury pampering session, go to Starbucks and drink coffee and read trashy mags, join a gym, have a swim at the local pool, anything you enjoy doing. I agree it doesn't have to cost a fortune. Also if you make more effort to see your DH out of the parent roles you are constantly in. Could you go out, even to a movie or for a walk in the park on a sunny evening on your own together.

when I was SAHM I remember feeling resentful that dh had a life outside of home and i didn't . I started doing an evening class just to have some me time and now i am full time student and really happy. You need to recognise that you deserve to feel like a whole person and the sex will just fall into place as you feel happier with yourself

ok.

That's exactly it gemmiegoatlegs. I do feel resentful. I did a uni course part time for four years as I said, and it is possible that I will take those studies further this year. The future looks brighter, with DS going to school and me getting a job - it's the now I am miffed about. DH says he feels irritable and narky and has started sulking and that makes me feel worse.

You are punishing DH for the state of your life. He WILL feel narky and irritable if he wants sex with you and can't have it. If he's narky and irritable you will be even less inclined to have sex with him.

I say all this because I've been through it too and I reckon loads of us have.

You mustn't wait until you feel like having sex - that could be six months away. It doesn't have to be earth shattering. If you love him and want your marriage to last....

1. change the sheets on your bed, get your bedroom looking nice
2. have a bath and a glass of wine
3. wear something silky
4. kiss him properly and get on with it.

Believe me, YOU will feel happier too. Don't make him have to nag you for sex, it's humiliating. When you've been intimate and reconnected it's MUCH easier to talk to him about what's bothering you and he'll be far more amenable to helping you out of your lifestyle rut if he thinks there's a reward in there for him

But feel free to tell me to butt out if I'm out of line there!!

Very difficult situation this. My xh used to nag and nag, flirt with other people so that I could see how attractive he really was, (have affairs ahem), and of course none of this makes you feel like shagging them. You just want to be left in peace.

I don't mean to be nosey, but is there a power imbalance in your relationship? For years I blamed my tiredness, the state of the bedroom, couldn't unwind from the stress of the day, etc. But actually, I think I just didn't bloody like him wanting everything his own way, when he wanted it, when he cared nothing for my needs.

This might not be helpful. Just looking at other factors.

I kind of agree with you Janni. Although I don't think women should have sex when they don't want to just to save their marriage. I agree with you in the sense that it is up to me to try and snap out of it - but not for the reasons you say because our relationship is based on a lot more than just sex.
I think my annoyance about DH is that I wish he would put as much effort into trying to create opportunities for us to have some other non-parent adult time together as he does when it comes to making love.
No Littlewoman we don't have a power imbalance - he is a very caring, kind and generous man. The thing is he is very mellow and I am the opposite, so he just lets things ride over his head (for example I am very anxiously waiting to hear what school DS has got intoand getting more stressed by the day). If he is stressed he seldom expresses this - whereas when I'm stressed the whole house knows about it. For him sex and intimacy is his coping strategy - but my coping strategy is to withdraw.

Anyway we have decided that when we go to London next week, we'll stay over at my sisters' and she can look after DS for a few hours while we go out in the afternoon.

'I wish he would put as much effort into trying to create opportunities for us to have some other non-parent adult time together as he does when it comes to making love'.
Have you explained this idea exactly to your husband? If you spend a lot of time together he may think that's enough, but it clearly isn't the kind of 'time together' that you need. (Don't mean to be patronising, but sometimes we don't express ourselves clearly enough). It is as much his responsibility to work towards intimacy as it is yours, so he must do his bit to accomodate your wishes, surely?
Totally understand 'withdrawing' as a coping mechanism.

I like your advice Janni!

DH and I find ourselves in this rut from time to time. I don't feel like sex because we don't talk and I don't feel 'close' to him, he doesn't talk and feel 'close' to me because we don't have sex.........one of us has to snap out of it!

I've been there for years. Nearly 11 yrs althogether . And it's horrible, that feeling of unspoken resentment because you don't put out. But when you are in that mode it's like expecting a radio to make a cake iyswim. The idea of sex seems impossible, not to mention revolting. I ended up doing it once a week because i felt obliged - and I never found that doing it more made me want it more. It made me think 'thank god that's over with for a week' .

He needs to back off. And understand that sex is only on the agenda when you feel like it, and you won't feel like it when he's pressuring you about it. There is nothing less sexy than desperation and sulking.

Do you feel resentful towards him at all? I did. For various reasons. And it made me so unwilling to do something so intimate for him.

Things are better now for me, in that way.

Yes I do feel resentful - especially because he does have work to go to which is somewhere he can go and not be a parent. He also has badminton and sometimes golf. I do sometimes think - so it's OK for you to take a day off and bugger off to golf - how about taking the day off and us doing something together. But I also feel guilty because he does work, and if he didn't I would not be able to be a SAHM. I feel guilty too because I could work now that DS is a bit older, but I am getting stressed about finding the "right job" even though we need the money like NOW and he is being so patient about that, then I get more stressed as each month passes. Plus it would do me good to go to work and put DS in nursery for a full morning. Like I say, the future is looking great - it's the now that is difficult.