So lost. What have I done.

[Coffeemugcake]

Separated for nearly three years now and life is unrecognisable as a single parent. Co-parenting with the ex and keeping things amicable for our DC but every so often it hits me. I regret my marriage ending. I left the marriage but realise these years later that I was having a breakdown and so was ExH. He stopped talking and I gave up fighting for the marriage. I prioritised having a calm environment for our DC and left to set up a new happy home. But inside I feel sad every moment of the day. DC older now as the years have passed so quickly. I beat myself up everyday about having to explain to them what I've done. Broken up their childhood and family. They are growing up having to be carted around, writing on the calendar when they see their dad.

There is a thread about the covid lockdowns that has triggered me and given me a panic attack this evening. It's brought it all back.

I have had a panic attack for the first time in ages and I can't stop crying.

You're grieving for the life you thought you would have with your ex. Just our of interest, has he actually done anything to change or improve his behaviour?

Have you had any therapy or counselling? Done any work around identifying and addressing the issues in the relationship and how to avoid them in future relationships? What steps have you taken to build the new and better life you wanted for your DC?

My marriage ended last year and I have no regrets about it ending. I have a lot of emotions about it and I'm not great about being single right now to be perfectly honest. But I would always choose being alone over staying with ex. He was an alcoholic and the marriage ending was the catalyst for him to get better. So it helped him too. Counselling has helped me as has learning about codependency. Lots of journaling. Lots of doing things for myself.

Do your DC's have a calmer home enviromment with less bad atmosphere? If so, you have achieved what you set out to do. As they get older and more independent it can start being about you and your needs. Moving between places, while not perfect, is better if both homes are calmer than staying put in a stressful environment. You'll probably find that you've helped to improve their relationship with their Dad too. Did he stop talking to them also? He will have to now when they are with just him. You've probably made him be the parent that he wasn't, so well done on making the change.