Was I sexually assaulted?

[AmberPombear]

I would really appreciate help in trying to process an event that happened a few months ago. I was in my friend's room at uni, someone I have slept with previously. I told him I need to go to the shops as I could see he's moving towards trying to kiss me etc. and I didn't want to. He dismisses it and continues to kiss me, then moves me onto the bed so that he's lying on top of me. I push him off and repeat that I need to go to the shops, and he pushes me back onto the bed. This happens a few times until he, ur, finishes on top of me with me still in all my clothes, so I had to go and change my jeans.
The thing is, each time when he pushed me back onto the bed after me pushing him off and telling him I needed to go, I kissed him back. I thought at that time he was a good friend and was worried about creating a scene or ruining our friendship.
The more I think about it, the more disgusting and violated I feel. Could it have been that I didn't make it clear enough and he thought I was just playing around? He apologised after which also confused me.
I feel so lost and I'm tying myself up in knots trying to work out if what happened was assault. Any input would really help, thank you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Yes, it does sound like assault. You may not have said ‘No’ outright but it sounds like you made it clear you wanted to leave and you definitely did not give enthusiastic consent.

Is it my fault? Could I have done something to stop it? pleas e help

Yes it's assault. No means no.
Kissing back was to keep you safe, to stop him escalating. Totally disagree with pp. You did nothing to blur boundaries. Men know no means no. They know being pushed off means no. They know 'I have to go' means no.

He even said sorry afterwards as he knew what he did was wrong.

That being said, and I don't mean to downplay what he did, but, will ruminating on this do you more harm than good? You need to decide this going forwards.

You could speak to your uni councilor about things without naming names?

I would however, warn any female friends about him. And avoid him in future. If he comes near you then 'STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!'.

He is not your friend.
He's a creep.

But these things are so hard to prove and imo sexual assault cases take so much out of victims that reporting them to the police often is more stressful than the assault itself. Possibly in this scenario... going to cause you far more grief than the actual assault did.

If it were me...and I hate to not urge women to report these things...but I wouldn't. I would speak to the uni though. And the student halls if he is a resident there. There might be something they can do to help protect other women.

And obviously if he tries to get near you again, after being told to fuck off, speak to the police then. Because you need to make sure you stay safe.

Thank you for the advice. I wish I could stop ruminating on it b ut it is all I can think of 24/7. I am trying to get it out of my mind but it won't go

Is there someone you can talk to in the real world. You need someone you can trust and confide in.

Hmm... this isn't an upbeat answer but...
Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be the last time as a woman that you will experience SA. It's horrible but, as women there are things that we go through that most men never have to.

We do what we can to minimise risks but, monsters find ways. And some you might report. And some you might not.

And sometimes you'll find you think on these things even years later. And just feel so fucking angry. So fucking angry that people do this to other people.

Your feelings right now are absolutely valid.
And you have every right to move forwards however you please. Be it police or, finding a way to work through it.

But I won't lie to you. It'll always be a scar that burns from time to time. And there will be more scars. And it's not your fault. We cannot stop bad things from happening bit we can decide how we proceed and, to an extent, how we let them affect us.

Your life is yours. And they don't get to win. One fleeting evil they do, shouldn't get to become a shadow over your life. You life - will be one of joy. Decide on that. The monsters are just footnotes in the story and they exist, but they don't fucking matter. Not for a second more than you let them.

Saying ‘No’ whilst kissing someone back - and you did say ‘back’??????????

Definitely assault.

It's because your mind is trying to fix this and it's an unresolved issue for you.

Imagine the following (this is very loosely based on a real life person I once knew) -

A woman walks down a street at night, a bit drunk. She would be classed as vulnerable to most people. She's unusual in that she actually wants someone to steal from her. A man, a thief sees her and takes her belongings. She feels like she's got what she deserves, as she partly wanted this as a form of extreme self-harm.

This illustration is not to suggest to you that you wanted this from him, not at all. It's for you to think about that scenario, and ask yourself is he not a predator because he happened to encountered that woman, and not someone else? His intention was to mug someone that night. That's what he thinks has happened., he's quite pleased with himself with the wallet and phone he got from her....so does it matter what was going on in her head, in that case? Do you think it would be ok to let him go unpunished? That he's not dangerous or that he won't potentially mug someone else again?

He apologised after which also confused me

That's because like the thief in the above scenario, he knows he's done wrong (and it's questionable if your 'friend' is really sorry or if he's trying to do damage control). You were confused, because at that point you were still processing what had actually occurred between you.

The penny's eventually dropped that he knew what he was doing, and you were in more danger than you realised. It took you by surprise partly because you had your guard down. After all, it wasn't like he was a total stranger, you'd built up some rapport at that point.

You did the best you could at the time, with a circumstance that would have been confusing, scary or alien for a lot of women, especially if you're a young woman. 💐

Also, I think you need to speak to someone in real life. If you get a therapist, don't give up if you don't gel with the first one.

I'm sorry because you are clearly upset about this but kissing him while he was climbing on top of you is also a form of communication. Ask yourself - do you think he understood that you didn't want him to do that when you were kissing him? Only you (and him) can answer that but it doesn't sound clearcut to me. Maybe he thought you wanted to hook up in which case it's not assault.
How did the apology come about and what exactly was he apologising for? If he was apologising for making a mess that is different to apologising because he thought he'd ignores your consent (or lack of, in this case).

You definitely were sexually assaulted. He knew full well that you didn't want it to continue, and he carried on anyway. That's assault.

Sadly, in your shoes I personally wouldn't report it. Not because I don't think it's serious enough, but because the standard and culture of police responses to rape in this country is SO appalling. Any scenario more nuanced than "help, I'm being raped!" is beyond the wit of Plod, and you are more likely to be retraumatised to no avail.

I'm sorry this terrible thing has happened to you.

I think saying you need to go to the shops but returning the kiss (doesn't sound like you were passive here) doesn't make it clear that you aren't keen - just that you need to go to the shops at some point but not urgently. I suspect he's apologised for the mess. It sounds like a horrible miscommunication.

You kissed him back sorry but I would say this was mixed messages so he reasonably believed you consented

You can speak to Rape Crisis in confidence to talk through your experience.

He knew what he was doing was wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have apologised.

There are 4 main reactions to threat - fight, flight, freeze and fawn. Lots of people misunderstand or are not sympathetic to the latter two, but they are in-built survival responses.

Oh ffs some of these replies 🙄

I think some women think men are a completely alien species or something. Don't buy into this 'it wasn't clear' crap. It was clear.

What woman by the way, would want someone to ejaculate on their clothes? When they're at their friends house too!

Come the fuck off it guys.
It's rank rape apologist.

It is a sexual assault because you found yourself engaged in a sexual activity against your wishes.

I think your statement that you had to go to the shops needs next time to be: "No, I do not wish to have sex with you." And if he starts to kiss you, then do not return that. Wishing to retain his friendship is not a consideration.

It is very hard in these situations because it is so easy to re-think things after the event and realise that maybe other responses might have made the position clearer.

It has been a difficult experience for you and I am sure that there are things that you will perhaps feel you might do differently next time such a situation arises.

But the bottom line is that a man engaged in sexual activity that you did not want and that is very traumatising.

You kissed him back to protect yourself from the horrible thought that your friend was assaulting you. It's a self preservation response to keep the peace, keep him calm etc.

Yes it was assault.

Did you make it clear to him that it was a 'no'? Possibly not but you certainly didn't enthusiastically consent.

Perhaps bluntness would have had a better effect 'no, I do not want to do this, get off me or I will start screaming' rather than saying you have to go to the shops.

Some guys seem to still have it in their heads that no can still mean yes. But he obviously knew there was something wrong or he would not have apologised.

Please see your student counselling service about this as it is intruding into your thoughts all the time.

No it wasn’t ‘fucking’ clear at all.
She was an active participant in kissing him back.

Never a good idea to try and be just friends with someone you've slept with, especially if its recent. Not because it leads to this, because this is on him, but because it can be expected that one of you is hoping for more.
In this case it was him hoping, but usually it would lead to a person getting emotionally hurt, not becoming a forceful abuser, which is shocking.
Keep well away from him, its up to you if you want to report it, but if you know of female friends who know him, might help them to warn them of him. He's a creep, and quite grim. Counselling would be a good route to take.

I agree. Kissing him back could be your survival instinct trying to stop him getting aggressive and harming you. Well done for protecting yourself.

Whatever was going on in his head and however he understood or interpreted the situation, what is clear is that you are not comfortable with what happened. So I think you can put his perspective aside for a moment and sit with your experience of what happened.

Re reporting things to the police, remember you can always file a report via 101 and get a crime reference – which never needs to go any further if you don’t want. But gives you the option to get it on record if that’s something you want to do.

• she told him 'i don't want to'
• she said she needed to leave
• she PUSHED him off her. Several times.

How much more clear do you want?

It's common to kiss back in order to avoid them becoming angry and escalating. The majority of people in that situation would probably have done the same thing. Recon I would have too infact.

Men know that's a no.
They are very aware of these things these days. It's drummed into them that no means no. And if he says otherwise, he's fucking lying. Van we stop pretending that the poor menfolk don't know. Because frankly, it's misandrest.

If you go to Student Support at your uni they will be able to help you or point you in the right direction for support. You don't have to say who it was, and you don't have to report or escalate if you don't want to. You only need to focus on helping yourself process this.

And of course it was sexual assault. You said no, you pushed him off. You 'kissed him back' when he had you pinned to the bed, that is a natural response to try and keep yourself safe. It's not just 'fight or flight', it's 'fight, flight, freeze, do what you need to do to get out of there alive'.