Hes not coping

[Shan442]

My bf has a messy past. Hes 49 with a 23 and 25 year old. He had them in scotland in the 90s and was married to their mum who hed married due to a 1 night stand making her pregnant. He stayed for 10 years but the marriage was toxic. Alcohol. Arguing and fights and cheating. She would punch him. Throw him out and spit vile words at him. He was a big drinker then too. He left her when he came home to find her round the neighbours having sex. He moved back to england and she gradually stopped him seeing the kids.

Hes told me very small snippets off her abuse towards the children. He then shuts down and it really affects him. He has told me certain stories about hwr punching him in the face etc when driving.

Hes a tough man in general. He works in a very alpha male environment. He isnt timid or afraid to speak up.so its hard to imagine the above.

4 weeks ago his kids returned to his life. The youngest suffers with bipolar and was very unwell on arrival. Shes getting better now and her sister has been keeping in contact too. Seeing his kids again has perked him up but the youngest has been asking a million questions about her mum etc. She has told him some awful stories of being physcially harmed. The other sister wont speak to her mum anymore after she attacked her. The mum sounds like a violent alcoholic.

Hes really struggling and sad and he is still in hed today. He said its making him feel so low all of this getting dragged up.

Im not sure how to help him? His daughter just phoned me and she was very in the past talking about the way her dad is and she knows hes hurting.

I just cant find the words to help him.

In bed not hed

Will he see a therapist? It sounds like him and his children have suffered from trauma.

How long have you been with this guy?

Sounds unnecessarily messy to me. You're not married. Fucking run.

Not really. Hes very hard to advise. I know he reacts to little snags in our relationship at 100mph he tends to run shout and ignore. He always admits he does that because of the past. Hes had a few sessions before but it didnt help he said. He said some sessions he felt not in the mood at all.

Ps: you're not a therapist.

Women aren't rehab for damaged men.

Now he could be a lovely bloke. But, fuck this shit op. He has things he has to work through and probably hasn't taken enough time single to do so by the sounds of things. And rightly, he wants to help his kids. But your priority should be your own mental wellbeing. He's not your hubby, choose yourself and get out of there I'd say.

I’d be judging someone very harshly who moved country’s to get away from his exes abuse, but left behind his little girls who were also being abused. And his tempers not improved at all by the sounds of things

100% this.

Also, are you saying he left his children with a violent alcoholic?

Also,

Whenever I hear 'if only I could find the right words' it always makes my skin crawl as its so predominant in abusive relationships. The woman desperately looking INWARDS to try to fix HIM. Thinking there must be something she can do or say to make life...easier and return him to a happy, kind person.

There are no right words.
Because this isn't a YOU issue.

RUN
Fast and far and never look back.

He needs therapy.

Also he left his kids with (by his own account) a violent alcoholic.

Sounds like they also need a lot of support.

I wouldn't be getting involved.

Correction* He always uses his past to try to excuse his shitty behaviour.

You know who do that all the time? Abusive men. They're also, often quick to anger and give silent treatment.

All the red flags are there op. Waving in the wind.

He's an adult. He need to sort himself out, but it sounds like every single thing in his life has been 'someone else's fault' and he takes no responsibility for anything. He's also been highly selective about what he has told you. In addition, both he (and you) have only met his adult DDs in the last 4 weeks - neither of you know them, and yet you are immediately plunged into another toxic mess where everyone is damaged and needing help.

Agree with pp - you're not a rehab centre for damaged individuals.

Leave them to it.

Not your job to help him, be polite to his Dds but leave it at that.

He left his kids with an abusive parent- why didn't he take them with him?

I agree with comments above. This is not your trauma, and he is in bed and you are talking to his daughter who you dont know, and I know you are trying to be supportive, but being too nice and contacting with his daughter. You can sympathise with his situation, but he needs to deaĺ with his girĺs, and soon the ex will be in contact, and you may have her shouting down thr phone. Sympathise, but that is as far as it goes, and why leave the gils with an alcoholic , violent mother. You need to set boundaries, and yes we all have days when we would like a duvet day, but we don't, we get up and push on .

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Run away.

Seriously.

This man is blaming ALL his problems on his ex, but he got her pregnant on a ONS, he decided to marry her and have another child with her and when he realised she was a violent alcoholic, he (a grown man) ran away and left two innocent children in her "care".

He's a terrible man and a terribly father. Leaving your children at the hands of an abuser is just beyond comprehension to most parents; surely you can see that?

Do you know how hard it is for a man, even one who is being abused, to get any sort of traction with trying to take kids away from their mum.

it’s virtually impossible, even with abuse.

This.

He's an adult

He is perfectly able to sort his life out or seek professional help to sort his life out

You are not his counsellor, therapist or head fuck sorter

Get away from this toxic man

He needs to take action if he wants to get better. He needs to get a referral to a psychiatrist. If he won't do that there is nothing you can do. There are no magic words and you can't fix him. Only he can do that.

We can all sympathise with what emotions he must have all tangled up in so many layers of failure, abuse, hurt, torn relationships etc.

But the only person who can move towards a better place is him.

You can, if you want, be a supportive presence, by supportive I mean encouraging him when he's making efforts and giving him the time he needs to do it etc

But you can't put the work in for him.

He can either run away from this, or face it. Lots of people find the road too hard and bury it or turn to other coping mechanisms which may or may not be destructive.

I hope for the sake of his daughter's he seeks help, for them if not him.

Not all therapy is the same though, there are different approaches and different therapists and he might need to try a few before he finds one that works for him.

Bipolar disorder tends to run in families. Do you think the mum could be affected? Personally I'd put money on it, risky behaviour like casual sex, self medicating with alcohol, erratic parenting.

Whatever the case with her, he is not in a mentally healthy and functional place either. He is at the very least depressed, he's been the victim of DV and cheated on, you say he shuts down and reacts to little snags in your relationship at 100mph. He really, really needs to address his issues and work on himself before he even considers a relationship. You cannot fix him.

He needs professional counselling, and so do his dc.

This isn't something you can even begin to handle - you are not a therapist and you can't help him, other than to lend an ear when he feels the need to talk, and to help him find a therapist if he needs that assistance.

I know he reacts to little snags in our relationship at 100mph he tends to run shout and ignore

Why are you with someone like this. The whole situation is fucked, and you talking to his daughter is really weird and inappropriate.