Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Torn Between Staying and Walking Away

10 replies

AmyNiha · 25/04/2024 04:52

Is it acceptable in relationships to humiliate and criticize your partner when one is angry, bringing up mistakes from years ago? Is it okay for your partner to demand explanations while shouting and making statements like "I'll show you hell" and "All these doings will come back to you"? I understand that sometimes we cross lines in anger, but is it acceptable to be in a relationship where the other person doesn't listen to you when they're angry? They say mean and hurtful allegations about you, and then after cooling down or maybe two days later, they become very loving, showing all their love and care, expecting you to reciprocate the same affection.

I'm unable to handle this from my partner; it's just exhausting now. I feel like even though I still love him, I can't express my love or be myself as we used to be. I don't understand our future anymore, and right now, we are in a long-distance relationship for more than two years. Will this change if we stay together? Should I consider that and hope things will be different if we live together?

OP posts:
Homebird8 · 25/04/2024 05:48

You're in an abusive relationship @AmyNiha. It will not get better, and if you move in together it will get worse. Much as you have put two years into this relationship it's time to end it to take care of yourself. This is not how someone who care for you behaves.

EVHead · 25/04/2024 05:59

No it’s not acceptable. You need to end it - you get one life and this is no way to live.

Guavafish1 · 25/04/2024 06:04

I'm not sure want your arguing about, but I can't imagine that it should let to abuse.

Your are not happy.

Do you have anyone you can talk to irl? Maybe contact women's aid for advice.

NeverEnoughPants · 25/04/2024 06:08

I was once told this by a relationship counsellor.

Someone did a study on relationships, asking couples or former couples what is the most important thing in a relationship.

The people that were divorced said communication.

The people that were still happy married after a long time answered respect.

He doesn't respect you..I don't think there's any way back from here. I suspect you love the person you think he can be, not the person he keeps showing you that he is.

You need to kick him to the kerb.

Ladyj84 · 25/04/2024 06:12

Best thing in a relationship don't get angry then neither says things they don't actually mean in the heat. Back off cool down then talk is the best way forward

FlameTulip · 25/04/2024 06:14

I would not find this behaviour acceptable from my partner.

ZekeZeke · 25/04/2024 06:21

You know the answers to your questions OP.
He is abusive, you need to leave, he will not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2024 06:24

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your long distance relationship of more than 2 yesrs now needs to end. It’s over anyway due to the abuse you are getting within it. Your boundaries are further being eroded here by your abuser and your love for him
id likely trauma bonds.

This person continues to show you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. Free yourself from this by ending it and then blocking this person from
bring able to contact you. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom program as part of your recovery from these abuses of you. Do also contact Womens Aid.

Lurkingandlearning · 25/04/2024 06:46

You only love part of him. Surely you must loathe this nasty part of him that he will not curb with you. And it is almost certainly only you he does this to. Do you think he talks to his colleagues and friends that way? No way. He does it to you because he doesn’t respect you, knows he can get away with it and enjoys mouthing off at you and seeing you distressed.

It should never have started- decent people don’t enjoy that. If it was going to stop it would have after the first time. If it had been a one off he would’ve been mortified. It is more likely to get much, much worse.

Don’t put up with crap like this from anyone let alone a LDR.

Hbosh · 25/04/2024 12:15

Whatever the situation is, as adults we are expected to know how to emotionally regulate ourselves.
We all have emotions. Everyone's allowed to have them. We are not allowed to act however we want because of them.
Honestly, I expect more from my 2 and 4 year old children than you do form your fully grown, adult partner.

You should not be putting up with this kind of behaviour.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page