For anyone who has lost a friend... advice needed

[justanothermanicmonday1]

To anyone who has lost a friend to a falling out (for whatever reason) or just drifted apart.

Have you ever reconnected, and then realise after some amount of time that it just wasn't the same after that?

I think this is happening to me right now and I've came to the realisation that after 30 years of friendship, we just can't recover. It's not the same. I can't put my finger on it.

Sorry if this isn't making sense. But has this ever happened to you? How did you deal with it?

Thank you.

I know what you mean but can't really offer any advise on how to handle it.
In my case its a really good friend of over twenty years. She had a bit of a go at me over something, it was all very passive aggressive. I was mortified to think that I might have upset her but I knew that I wasn't guilty of what she was accusing me of. I thought that we had moved past it but something is still not right and I feel constantly as if she's trying to trip me up or catch me out and the passive aggressiveness is just awful. Sometimes I think yeah it's OK we are fine but I know that we're not and I feel less and less likre trying to get us back on track to be honest, for me the closeness has gone.

I know exactly what you mean.

I feel like I don't want to even try anymore. I know that a conversation is coming and I just don't think I can find the right words to say. It's just an awful, sad feeling that I'm trying to work through!

You'd think the older we get, the less these issues would arise.

@justanothermanicmonday1 I did start to pull back a little not phoning or texting as often and not sharing as much but kept it upbeat and friendly but she was still at it with the pag agg comments and even a couple of quite catty remarks so I did think right next time I will pull her up but she's now undergoing some very serious medical investigations so I will just have to bite my tongue, keep my cool and be there for her. Its such a shame as I've always thought the absolute world of her, well I still do really it's just the past couple of years that's become difficult.

Like yourself I thought that these kind of issues were left behind in our teenage years.

I hope it settles for you soon without too much upset.

@justanothermanicmonday1 I had that awfully sad feeling too as well as utter bewilderment at what I was supposed to have done. After a year or so of really trying to show her just how much I valued her friendship I sort of got fed up trying and started to dread speaking to her.

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing.

I think I will just slowly back away for the time being. Not get too involved and just focus on what I have got going on.

Sort of.

I have a friend who I've known for 17 years and for half that time we were Incredibly close. We would meet up a lot and we had so much in common. I saw her as my best friend really. If she had rang me at 3 a.m. asking for my help to bury a body I would have done it.

But over time she seems less inclined to put effort into our friendship. Our meets dwindled to maybe twice a year for a while, then it became once a year but she would still text, however now our texts have reduced to every three months or so. She likes her own space and I don't like to push her so I try and take things that's her pace.

I've reached a point in my life where I have decided that I'm not going to invest in a person who isn't putting any effort in. It feels deeply sad but I just don't feel the same about her anymore. She's clearly moving on with her life and she's got every right to do that but when she hasn't even responded to significant texts that I've sent I feel that we've reached the end of the road with our friendship.

I can't really say how to handle it. It's a very sad situation but the only thing that gives me comfort is knowing that I haven't changed, I'm the same person but it's her that has drifted away. It's kind of empowering for me to make a clear decision in my mind that I'm no longer going to contact her.

I'm not sure I'd expect a friendship to be the same again after a falling out, unless the reconciliation was very quick. I had a good friend who cut contact about 20 years ago (her way of dealing with some conflict on a slightly drunken night out) and reconnected with me after about three years or so. The friendship's still there, but it's very much based on text messages and birthday/Xmas cards with news updates. We live quite a distance apart and don't make any effort to meet up.
That's probably nothing like your situation at all, but it did remind me. I hope you manage to resolve things in the best way for you.

I would back slowly away, you don't need to have a conversation about it. People change over the years, and it's OK to realise that you no longer have anything in common or common ground to walk on.

I backed out of a friendship a few years ago, and it's really put me off ever having a close female friend again to be honest. I feel scarred by it.

I can totally sympathise with this. I'd rather be alone with just my family to be quite honest.

It's hard.

That's really hard. I'm sorry. But I also came to this conclusion as well. I won't ever be anyone's last choice or "half a friend" so I'm out.

Yes one hundred percent. Best friend of 16 years, we had a big fall out last year and tried to reconnect after she got back in touch a month later saying she was stressed and needed me, ans things went back to "normal" but things for me weren't the same, and I always felt like we were limping ( so to speak). Just didn't work anymore. I couldn't feel comfortable around her or forget certain things. At the beginning of this month we had a little "tiff" and I decided this was really it. She got back in touch a couple of days ago saying she was really anxious about something and I'm the only one who understands but I said I'm not the right person to help her and reminded her of other people she had In her life. I felt terrible and feel lonely because since we fell out but also a lot more free and at peace as she had started to provoke anxiety in me when around. She went from being my comfort person to the person who I needed comfort because of. It wasn't all on her either, we just have changed as our lives have and no longer click.

Yeah, I tried for a long time after some quite nasty messages. It never felt right again, everything was treated as if it was exactly the same. And she was, and that was the issue. I couldn't bring up any issues for fear of the nasty messages again.

It's a shame, I do miss her. But I can't go back.

I'm so sorry.

It's hard losing your friend.

At least we aren't really alone if we've all experienced this ❤️

You sound lovely, and don't deserve that.

You're better off. A true friend doesn't send nasty messages, regardless of what happened.

It’s a strange one. I don’t have any advice to offer other than I have a friend of 30 years and I just can’t get over her not being there for me after some pretty significant life events the last few years. No texts to check in, no invites or suggested meet ups. She is going through her own issues too , which is fair enough. I needed her support and she wasn’t there. That’s it for me, even though I like her very much it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I want to explain it to her, but can’t find the right time or words, and quite frankly don’t have the emotional energy to invest right now so letting the friendship fade out.

I'm wondering if you are my friend who I fell out with and we have been having a bit of contact since.

Im feeling very conflicted tbh.

Sorry it's definitely not me!

I hope you manage to resolve things!

I could have written this post word for word myself.

Virtual hand hold 🌺

@justanothermanicmonday1 sorry you are going through similar. It’s such a strange and sad thing. I think we all change and move in different ways and sometimes these things are highlighted in some way- my philosophy on this situation is to value to good times and great memories and just accept that we have probs just grown apart or are not aligned in our expectations around our friendship any more, sad as it is, it’s ok.

It really is ok. That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

It's been keeping me up at night lately. Wondering what to say and when to say it. If I should at all. But too many things are happening right now, good things though. So I'm just moving away slowly.

Yes - good friend of 25 years - we disagreed on something - l was in àn impossible situation and she was awful about it and told me we couldn't be friends. We talked it over and decided to agree to disagree but l just don't feel the same about her any more.

Yes, I have had this happen. A friend disappeared from my life, no explanation or any conversation. She didn't call, and I eventually gave up. We didn't see or speak for over 10 years.
Then one day she got in touch. We met up a few times, and she's done it again.
Still no idea but I'm done now.

I don't know, it's a really sad and lonely thing to happen, I think, to lose a friend from your life.

I had it happen about 15 years ago, and it's happening again now with a different friend, and it feels much like a break up. Friendships can break your heart as much as a relationship when they end.

I'm sorry you're going through it to. I hope you manage to find the solution you need, only advice I can offer is make sure you're considering your own happiness, sounds like it's already at a point where it is effecting you as well and that's not okay

Yes I've been there. We had a two year falling out after being like sisters for 30 years. She wants to reconcile and I've tried but I just don't trust her anymore after hurtful things she had said.

And honestly I've just slowly backed away. Reduced contact over a period of time until we don't talk that much. Things just aren't the same and for me they never will be.

It's sad but I feel it's for the best. The older I get, the less I want and need complicated relationships in my life.