Dont know what to do

[Mags9010]

A gut feeling had me investigating on my husbands 'personal life'.

I found an Adultwork deactivated account, and a deleted number of a person, when added to whatsapp was clearly an escort. We had discussed all and he states this was all old and the number was an apparent blocked number whom he added to see who it was then deleted. Smells like bullshit really.

We have 2 young kids and he has been a great father and husband up until recently when this feeling came over me. My mood is low and I really have no one to confide in about the situation.

Anyways we have tried to move on and I am trying but just can't completely move on. Good days and bad days. Am I kidding myself to try and believe him?

I'm a firm believer in going with your gut but do acknowledge it can get it wrong. What led up to this 'feeling coming over you'? Change in attitude/affection/respect/sex life? Surely it didn't just come out of nowhere?

Working late a lot, distant, closing down his screen on the phone when I walked in. And just this intense gut feeling something wasn't right. Known him nearly 10 years and I always trusted him never had any issues before its been a really easy relationship. Found all that now i'm doubting everything about life.

Say you don’t believe him and ask him to hand over his phone

Unfortunately I have tried all that. He has all evidence truly hidden now. Adultwork still says account deactivated. Trying not to act suspicious to see if he will slip up or not. Feel really sad and have noone to actually talk too without it causing a drama. Tried talking to my sister but she said I was just being paranoid

In my experience, you won't be able to move on until your gut lets you feel like you have the truth. Has he had opportunities to hook up with escorts or do you think he was just "making noises". The way forward, for me, would depend on his honesty and openness. If you're not feeling he's being honest and open, then you're on a downward slope. Only you will know what you can live with, based on your past with him. Shit, isn't it.

You’re not being paranoid at all. That’s unfair of your sister.
do you know his email address and could you guess a password? If you’re at this stage you might as well go full on digging to see what you can find just to restore your sanity. It’s awful but when it gets to this stage you’ve lost all respect for them (and he for you, clearly)

Am I kidding myself to try and believe him

You're kidding yourself that you can 'try' to believe something. Deal with the reality: you don't believe him. AKA you don't trust him. Everything else is a symptom, but that's the pathology.

If you’re at this stage you might as well go full on digging to see what you can find just to restore your sanity

No. Not unless your sanity is based on the contents of another person's emails. If you're at this stage, you need to work out if you want a relationship without trust, and if not, how to leave. Further digging is further unnecessary drama. If you find something, you'll leave. If you don't, you'll just keep looking until you do, so the relationship is doomed either way.

Well my sister didnt know about the escort thing just my feelings etc I didnt want to confide in her again because it could cause a family issue with her also. Yes I know his emails but who is know he doesn't have a sneaky email or an old one. He said I need to drop it as it's not helping my head etc but like how do you drop it. He said he didn't do anything and to trust him. How can I just drop it when I can't process what I seen already. He has been so different since all of this came out, like a new man. But that is also concerning me when I had the initial suspicions and it turned out I was right. Our sex life hadn't been great since having kids but my sex drive was low. I just don't know if I can move on. Trying not to let him know I'm still suspicious. Just can't believe it all really.

It can't be old if it's his recent behaviour that sparked your concerns.

Plus I wouldn't want to be with a bloke who used Adultwork, whether past or present.

He had an adult work account, and the number of a sex worker saved in his phone.

That's not you being paranoid.

I honestly didn't think we would ever be in this position. And honestly did not know he had ever been into adult type site I feel like i've been completely lied too. I get were everyone is coming from but I don't know how to just leave. We have small children. I know i'm probably burying my head in the sand, feel so broken. And have even withdrew myself from everyone else because I can't speak about the situation. Without it becoming everyones situation.

You don't have to do anything right now. You don't have to leave if you don't want to or aren't ready to.

I think it would be good for you to be able to talk it over with someone, but I wouldn't choose your sister or anyone too close to the family as it complicates things.

What you really need someone who has no skin in the game.

If you have a trustworthy female friend who you can envisage just being kind and listening, consider talking to her confidentially. Otherwise maybe a counsellor? Just to sort through your feelings. You need someone that isn't him to talk to about it, because he is invested in minimising it, potentially gaslighting you and being defensive - but you deserve to be heard out.

You might want to consider your sexual health if he might be using prostitutes.

I have already got tested and it was all negative thankfully. I did think possible gaslighting at times. And I really don't trust anyone to talk about it. I did try to leave already. Hard when there are the kids to think about. He feels 'terrible' that this all has happened but if I hadn't of kept digging maybe I'd not have found out or well so he hoped. Trying to keep it together. Thanks for listening.

Him telling you to just drop it isn't helpful for you (it would be helpful for him presumably) or realistic.

At the very least he needs to acknowledge that what you have seen is real, and accept that it will have caused damage to the trust in your relationship, and ask you what you need him to do in order to repair this.

Telling you it's "not helping your head" isn't news to you, you're the one having to deal with it.

You need to think about if it's really worth breaking up your family, too many women in here think about themselves here and leave the children out. Perhaps speak to him, ask him why he went to them? Get his side of the story. If he's still committed to you and your family I think you should give him another chance so long it doesn't happen again.

As far as the numbers being saved, we all keep numbers saved on our phones from people we haven't spoken to for years.