Is he cheating, emotionally exhausted red flags?

[Tiredmumclub24]

Been with my husband a long time, parents of twins with varying special needs.

Caught him accesing porn when working away, recently found him masturbating whilst I slept, adamant he was speaking to someone which he denies.

I'm struggling to move on from this, I keep asking for counselling and his response is I love you and I made a mistake, if YOU can't trust me maybe we should end it, then he backtracks, tries to cuddle me and shows sexual interest and then it's back to normal kisses every morning, same routine...no attention no interest no time together unless I kick off again. If we do have sex I'm often met with - Is that it?, Do this, do that, he's made my confidence plummet. He also has strange big busted American women friend requesting him on Instagram..I have none of that?

I can't prove his mind is elsewhere, but recently some things don't add up. He has 2 credit cards, all I want is transparency and he just reels off my expenses, the car etc..so I don't get to see transactions, it feels unfair. Although I know credit cards can't be joint

I've found out he has a new email address. He has texts from a female office worker with kisses, she's an accountant but seems to organise meetings with him saying "just off to get my nails done, I've made arrangements for a meeting with your boss and you at 'X' then don't forget xxx..... She's not the secretary so I'm unsure why she's arranging it if that makes sense?!

He's arranged childcare for the meeting as after work, apparently a performance review? He has also been to her house and my children then tell me they're left in the car while he talks to her about work, and she's wearing a dressing gown ?? Apparently he said she had clothes underneath as cold when I quizzed??!

Then in addition I've organised clubs for the children to make friends/learn self defense/get away from the TV, recently one was a parent and child group so I thought they'd get a chance to bond...it was a nightmare. He didn't want to go, didn't see the point and it was met with complete negativity that the children then didn't want to try it..then he said he'd give it a month and decide if worth doing but he said there's no point as they didn't like it. But it was for the greater good to stop bullying 🙁. I'd made dinner earlier, cleaned and got everything prepped for them gave directions before I went to work at the pub.

So in my head I'm doing a lot but feel empty, I don't want to be 50 and being used

Not sure there's a relevance to cheating about the childrens clubs, that seems to be a sounding off sideline about him being a shit dad in general.
It does look like he could be cheating with this woman he works with though. Some pretty obvious signs and quite grim of him to take his DC's to her house - did he go inside leaving them in the car?
I'd be inclined to find out more about this meeting, seems suss. If nearby, could you follow or track him somehow?

I'd be tempted to throw this lying cheat back into the sea.

Thanks, he apparently had to pop to her house for accounting, my kids said it's a glass porch so he stepped inside

Unfortunately I've got the kids so can't go tracking him, but I do believe something going on and work place could easily be used.

The porn/masturbating is pretty common, but if it’s not something you’re comfortable with while you’re in the house he should be open to discussing and respect how you feel.

Regarding the kids clubs, it sounds like he’s just being lazy or doesn’t feel comfortable with that sort of social setting.

The situation with the woman from work seems really suspicious. When I saw about the text message, I straight away thought she put the meeting with “boss” as a guise when actually he’s meeting with her and she’s letting him know the details.
The fact he went to her house is off. Did he leave with any paperwork if that was his reason for the house call? (You said for accounting)
Was it just that one time he went or has it happened more than once?

I am sorry it does sound suspicious and not adding up . Go with your gut feeling and don't let him try and convince you that you are wrong / exaggerating . I don't think it is professional / appropriate to put xxxs in any correspondence with another man especially as you know he is married .
It doesn't look like he is stepping up in his role as father either and again what reason would he have to go to the other woman's house? To take his kids with him is low , but maybe he thought it would give him an alibi and look more innocent.

Are you able to get hold of his phone whilst he is asleep etc ? Any other behaviour that has changed , is he guarding his phone more , more interested in his clothes / appearance?

I’m sorry OP I also immediately thought the meetings with “ the boss” were a cover for a meeting with her. Why she’d then jeopardise the cover by putting xxx I don’t know … but presumably just more of the total disrespect for boundaries she’s exhibiting.

And that applies whether there’s an actual meeting with the boss and a genuine need to go to her house or not. She shouldn’t put xxx on a genuine meeting reminder and she needs to get dressed decently if handing over work related documents to a colleague ( she could take off the dressing gown if she’s normally clad beneath).That applies regardless of gender or marital status of the colleague but applies a fortiori when it’s a he who is married to you.

So at best you have a boundary issue and at worst an affair. You are right to be posting.

then he backtracks, tries to cuddle me and shows sexual interest and then it's back to normal

How does it get back to normal, here? He's said that if you can't trust him, maybe the two of you should end it, and then..? How come you let your guard down after that?

@Tiredmumclub24 my husband has his own card for my credit card account, you could absolutely have one for his!

Not with our bank, have checked