Let down and hurt by DH - how to move forward??

[TheDancingHorses]

Hi, there’s so much I could write here but I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible.
2024 has not started well - in the last 3 months DM has passed away after a long battle with dementia, Dsis has been diagnosed with cancer for the second time in 12 months and my two adult children have both left home. I live with DH and DD (10).

As you can imagine, things are tough right now and I’m really just taking it day at a time and generally feeling kind of numb. I’m doing my best to be bright and happy for DD. But, things have not been great with DH for at least a couple of years now and I’m really struggling to feel any kind of closeness towards him. There’s a lot of history - we’ve been together 15 years and things were amazing initially.

However, after a couple of years his sister decided to turn on me and started bitching about me and my then 6 year old DS to other members of her family and our mutual friends (we all lived in the same village). DHs attitude was very much ‘that’s just what she’s like so get over it and we can all be friends again’. This hurt and I struggled to get over his lack of support.

He also continually put her needs first and would rather upset her than me.

There are too many examples to list but, to give an idea, when DD was born I had high blood pressure and was only allowed home as long as I took it easy. His sister wanted to come over and, despite knowing how stressful that would be for me, he wouldn’t say no to her as she would’ve been upset.

We later moved overseas, thinking that space and a fresh start would be good. It wasn’t. DH has never settled and, unfortunately, his DM was diagnosed as being terminally ill a couple of years ago. I supported DH as best as I could and he returned home for nearly 4 months to be with her and his sister.

When he can back he basically withdrew from me and our DC’s for over a year and made it obvious that he didn’t want to be with us. This affected them and our relationship, not least because I was as exhausted after him being away and looking after our family as well as working full time and looking out for my DM.
He now wants to rekindle things but I’m just not feeling it. It’s like the trust has gone and I’m looking at the past without being blinded by love. I’m sick of having been treated as second best. I would love to get my relationship back on track but don’t know how to get past everything that’s happened and trust DH with my feeling again.

Thank you so much if you’ve made it to the end. Any words of encouragement or support would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not sure I'm the best person to reply but anyway.

My ExH put his birth fanily first. He also wanted to do well at work and so spent very little time with me and our kids when they were younger.

I accepted that was what he wanted and got on with working and raising my kids. I thought about it and decided I'd rather he was contributing some time and housing us all than me on my own with cms.

It did come at a price however as I was very aware we were third best to his work and his birth family.

As he got older he got fed up with working and realised it was never going to love him back. His parents also made it clear he wasn't the favourite child and our kids weren't the favourite grandparents.

He then wanted to have an emotional closeness with me and with our then teenagers. The teens didn't want to know - he'd basically ignored them most of their life unless making them go to family events. I was more prepared to be there for him but he did feel very very lonely.

Basically he wanted mothering but wasn't prepared to be there emotionally for other people.

We did eventually break up because he couldn't cope after one of our teens developed mh problems and he was just totally incapable f supporting them. No ability to emotionally be there for others at all.

Sounds like your DH has got most of his emotional support and closeness from his birth family. Now that's going he's looking to you to step up. I'd be surprised if he is prepared to offer the same support to you.

@Octavia64 thanks for your reply and sorry to hear things have been difficult for you too.
I’ve tried to be there for him throughout our relationship but he’s always felt a ‘duty’ towards his birth family that he doesn’t seem to have towards me and DCs. I do feel he’s let me down over the last few months while my mum was poorly - she lived a couple of hours away and I’d gone to visit to find that she’d deteriorated rapidly. I was told she likely only had days to live so called DH around 9pm to let him know. I then heard nothing from him, not even a text, until I called him around 1.30 the next day. I’d spent a difficult morning watching my DM unable to walk or make coherent speech while also trying to sort out end of life care without any support from him.
I think he also expects me to always be the strong one. I’ve done that for years and am just so tired.

My DH was a bit like that with his family (always prioritising them, checking out of our family time and just happily being at the beck and call of others while ignoring us). He was also verbally abusive to us (me and ds).

It took a long time for him to turn things around but he did. I had to lay it out in minute detail as to why I wanted out, how he had ruined our marriage and why he was a lousy father and why I disliked him. It took a LOT of therapy but he did manage to put in the work and turn things around. He's completely different person nowadays but my god it was hard and I nearly walked away (certainly wouldn't put up with it again I can tell you).

If people want to change they will but the effort has to come from them. They have to initiate things (and not say 'what do you want me to do?' or 'I'll get help' . Um no, if you want to get help you get help, you don't wait).

That said op, don't be afraid to leave if that's what you want.

Personally l wouldn’t bother in this circumstance. He wants things all his way and a world of understanding but that doesn’t cut both ways. For example when his mum was sick / died he wanted and got a world of indulgence. In contrast he hasn’t extended the same to you with your mum.

His sense of duty you mention towards his family is far more likely to be a mix of fear, obligation and guilt stemming from growing up in that dysfunctional unit. People from dysfunctional families like this also end up playing roles, what were and remain his?. He’s been trained to be a boat steadier re his family and wants you to be the same. His inertia when it came to his family of origin has hurt him as much as you.

However, none of this is any excuse or justification for how he has behaved and it all seems far too little and far too late. You do not owe him anything, let alone a relationship here.

He now wants to rekindle things but I’m just not feeling it

What's your question? This looks very clear to me.

Thanks for the responses. @Watchkeys i guess I’m looking for some hope that my marriage isn’t over - I went through a long and painful divorce nearly 20 years ago and not sure I have the strength right now to do it again. He would want to go back to our home country whereas I would want to stay here as my two older children are settled and at uni here, and I enjoy my life here. We have a 10 year old together and he’s already said he wouldn’t leave without her.
@StrawberryWater - I thinking therapy is the only way forward for us as we go round in circles if we try and talk things out ourselves. He wasn’t keen when I mentioned it about a year ago but I’ll try again. If he still isn’t up for it then I guess that helps me know where I stand.

Thanks again for all your responses, it does help to get different perspectives.