Does anyone else have family who can never just be happy for you?

[BabySnarkDoDoo]

It was a 'big' birthday for me recently and my partner of 13 years proposed as part of a really lovely night away, he'd clearly put a lot of thought into it and I really appreciated him spoiling me. Right after I said yes he messaged his brother and he was clearly really pleased for us.

On the other hand, I didn't want to get in touch with my family until the next day as I knew they wouldn't just say the obvious 'congratulations, I'm happy for you' off the bat and I was right. I messaged my Mum saying that I had a lovely night away and was proposed to. Her response was 'I presume you said yes' I mean, I don't think most people would have mentioned they'd been proposed to if they said no? She's then apparently messaged my brother saying I wonder if BabySnark's boyfriend did it so he could get out of buying her a present? So now I have him copying and pasting messages she's sent and he hasn't bothered to congratulate us either.

I don't know why they feel the need to constantly find negativity in everything - it was always like this at home when I was growing up and I feel like it's had quite a long lasting impact on my mental health. My fiance isn't a cheapskate, has only ever been nice to them and me and him have had a stable relationship for over a decade, so it's not like it's a terrible shock that we would want to get married. I'm trying not to dwell on their reaction as I was expecting it, but it has taken the wind out of my sails a little.

Does anyone else have family who behave like this?

Yes. Congratulations and happy birthday too 💐🎂 move on with your life and keep them at arms length. Don't let them rain on your happiness.

I learned a long time ago that I'm the wrong child so will never be good enough for my family. I can't get worked up about it anymore, I just spend my time with my husband and children and dogs.

Yes, and I've cut all contact, for a variety of reasons but that included
Congratulations on your engagement, and perhaps it's time to disengage from these negative people.
Have you read the "But we took you to Stately homes " threads? They are very helpful and a bit of an eye opener.

Other peoples engagements are not that exciting to everyone, but your own mum and brother should at least say congratulations.

I’d advise you to distance yourself from them. This is who they are, they probably won’t ever change and they’ll always bring negativity into your life unless you change your relationship with them.

Congratulations!

And in answer to your question, yes I do. My parents are never happy for anything good that happens to me and never have been. I find their constant negativity draining and exhausting, not to mention upsetting. It's one reason why I'm very low contact as they are very elderly now and will never change.

I don’t, luckily, but I recognise it because I know people who have the same family dynamic.

My husband’s family was a bit like this, his mother less so. With DH, any achievement was him being a lucky bastard and seen as him trying to get one over on his older brother. There was resentment about him thinking he’s better than… which was totally unjustified by any behaviour on his part beyond being reasonably bright at school, getting a job at 16 and passing exams at night school. Once his mum died he had little to do with any of them so doubtless they feel justified in their opinions.

Honestly what a bunch of miserable buggers! It’s really hard to understand isn’t it? Most of us want success and happiness for our loved ones and particularly our children. I can’t imagined wanting to piss on my daughters’ happiness.

Congratulations to you both on your engagement! Commiserations to your fiancé on his future in-laws 😂

Congratulations! You are not alone.

Yeah I do. Fuck ‘em. I’m happy for me, and happy for you. Congratulations!

Yes, I did and I cut them out of my life.

I had completed a PhD and I posted a pic of me with my testamur and their response was congrats and an emoji and that was it.

What amazing news on your special day op!!!

I can totally empathise. But try to (as said above) keep them at a distance. It’s cruel and mean to take the good out of it by insinuating he asked you to get out of a present. Like you don’t deserve to be treated like the wonderful person I’m sure you are)

my story is long.. won’t go into it here. On my wedding day my fathers wedding speech was about my mothers friends 50th (also that day and my mother made my wedding about her friend) because god forbid I might get a special moment to get to enjoy one special moments.
My hen party … she took herself off to A&E and had a dramatic and miraculous recovery so arrived and all sympathy and attention is on her. Then decided she would organise her own proper hen as didn’t think mine was good

Same at my graduation so she needed to be taken out while I was conferred.

my sons holy communion - day before she starts taking the good out of special cake I got my son that I ruined his suprise (I showed him but I wanted to enjoy his little face the night before) she is so spiteful
I ended up crying. It’s always about them

my father enabled everything and said I am a psychiatric case if I pull back. I have an decent husband, career, home yet if she sees one cobweb she points it out. It’s got to the point I don’t want them

yeah … I have lived this my whole life. It fucking hurts.

Sorry I did go into it there 😬

Thanks for the congratulations and birthday wishes. I am very low contact with them. I only see my Mum on average once a year at Christmas as we live an hour away from each other and she couldn't possibly get public transport that far alone to visit me, or meet me halfway somewhere. That's only because my fiance offers to drive and thinks I should make some kind of effort with her because she's my Mum. She calls me up a couple of times a month to monologue about her life for an hour or so, very rarely asks how I am, but I know all the health details of Doris who lives down the road who I've never even met! I remember for a decade after I left home at 18, she literally never called me, I was always the one calling her. I stopped doing that a few years back and must admit, sometimes I see her number and don't bother answering when I see it's her.

My brother lives overseas, so luckily I haven't had to see him for about 6 years now, I normally get put on Skype to him once a year when I'm at my Mum's. He asked me to add him on Whatsapp and hadn't really messaged me until he decided to be a dick and copy and paste the messages Mum sent to him about getting engaged. I have another brother who also lives abroad who is generally slightly less of a dick, I've not e-mailed him yet as I'm sure my Mum has already sent him the same nasty messages she sent my other brother.

I wasn't expecting them to make a big deal, just a simple congratulations without a load of sarcy back and forth. I know my Mum is capable of doing this with acquaintances, so it always amazes me that she can be hurtful in this way to her own children. I got more enthusiasm from them when we adopted a new dog a few weeks back!

I'm sorry that others have had similar experiences with their families, but in a way also it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one. I will have to look out the Stately Homes thread, I think I stumbled on it a while back and a lot of it resonated. Has anyone else struggled to maintain friendships as a result of being raised in this sort of environment? I've terrible at initiating contact with friends as I read too much into interactions with people, always thinking there could be a cynical undertone or worrying that I phrase something in a way which could be misconstrued. I realised there's noone I want to invite to our wedding who isn't a friend I've met through my fiance or his family. I'm a bit embarrassed the guests will see what a loner I am.

Name changed for this as been ranting about it elsewhere.

Congrats and belated birthday wishes to you.

If it makes you feel less alone. I recently got engaged after dating for 6 years. They like him I believe. I'm no spring chicken, and have never been married so thought my parents would be pleased.

I told my dad. He ignored what I said. Three times. Literally blanked me to my face.

After discussing with friends how to approach this, on the phone I said kindly "I couldn't help but notice you didn't respond when I told you our news". Told me he didn't want to talk about it. And what did I want him to say?!

Well, congrats, like a normal parent.

He's in his 80s so it's tricky. Thing is, like others here, over the years he's managed to suck the joy out of anything positive I have told him. Pregnant twice... stormed out of the room. Degrees/phd... sarcastic comments. There's a long list.

It's baffling. I've tried to think he can't "deal" with any situation where positive emotion is involved so behaves like this. But, fuck me, it's actually totally disgraceful. He's had me sobbing at every key moment in my life.

I'm sorry for you. It seems some parents just can't bear happiness. They're so old now and have other issues that I did think they might take an opportunity to see some joy fall, but no.

I wonder as I get old whether I should have gone NC years ago. I've generally been pretty NC since I left home. Managed it. But, Wtaf! It's like a deep resentment. I'm the only one too so it's not like they're finding joy in a different, golden child.

Anyway, sorry to divert but... congrats and your family can go fuck themselves too!

Many congratulations and Happy birthday 🥳🎉 DHs DPs are similar. We managed to ignore their constant negativity and attempts to ruin us as a couple for several years. With DH being fragile after lockdown and coping with the serious illness of his brother now thankfully recovered, DP managed to
drive a wedge between DH me and my DP. Are they jealous? has life been hard for them in the past? PIL haven’t had it easy but there are people far worse off.
although this isn’t a reason atall. I don’t know if an honest heart to heart would help. If not then you have a new life with someone very special in it, just concentrate on enjoying that. If DF can’t be happy for you that’s their problem.

Oh yes I have a tonne of examples of him using faux concern to crap on stuff. I’d arranged a limo for adult dd and friends. Apparently I was putting my 19 year old in danger. This is the man that knew I was sexually assaulted by a family friend at 13 and told me not to tell people or I’d get him in trouble.

We have/had rotten parents. I recognise the trying to explain it all away like saying they find positive emotions bad. I’m guessing they find it hard to cope with negative feelings being expressed? Maybe someone being upset with them? I marvel how I squared the circle before realising my parents actually had no positive feelings for me but an ocean of negative ones.

May their joyless souls rest in peace 😂

Is it right for staff to leave a child with ASC out in the corridor and ignore them as they won’t go into their classroom? This happened to my neighbours DS