Trying to figure out whether to cut off my father

[PrettySenior]

Hi, I've been struggling with my relationship with my father and trying to decide whether to go low or no contact.

The straw that broke the camel's back was that I told him something in confidence and asked him not to tell my sister, he swore he wouldn't - and he told her. The secret was about our mother possibly moving away from the area my sister lives. My mother was worried it would upset my sister, and I wanted his opinion. My sister is bipolar and everyone is very careful with her feelings. But of course there is tons of backstory.

My father left us when I was 8 and my mother discovered he had been cheating on her with men when he gave her an std. Mum was an alcoholic and drug user who abused me physically and neglected us. I begged my father to help me, to let me live with him, and he always refused because he couldn't be bothered. Contact with him was sporadic throughout my childhood. Meanwhile my mother nearly killed me and my sister in a car accident while drunk and disabled herself for life. She did eventually go to AA and has been sober since I was 15. I've forgiven her

I moved out age 17, my father did give me the child support he had been (sporadically) paying my mother, but it wasn't much. I worked 7 days a week, put myself through university, got a masters degree and now have a good job and earn a good living.

My father squandered all his money then inherited lots from his mother that he has been in the process of squandering. At this point I have more than he does and this is important because I believe he's jealous of me. He'll make little digs - for example when someone mentioned I'm a scientist he was like "yeah, right, you only have a master's degree".

He is a narcissist. All his stories that he repeats endlessly are about how great he is. He favours my sister probably because she acts like she worships him. He sometimes says horrible things like "oh your sister would have been such a good mother. You'd have been OK but your sister would have been amazing." This is my sister who is not psychologically stable, has relied on him financially and can barely stand on her own two feet herself. Neither my sister not I have chosen to have children after the childhood we've had.

Now my father expects a video call every week (he lives far away). He also expects to come and stay with me for a month each year. I have felt sorry for him as he's old and lonely now and have been accommodating him, stroking his ego, etc. I used to think it was because I wanted to be the bigger person and feel I'd done the right thing after he's gone. Now I just feel like why am I helping someone who abandoned me when I was helpless?

There are some positives. We do often have fun together, enjoy each others company, etc. He did do some things for me when I was a child like taking me to Disney, things like that. Sorry I know this is long. I could obviously say much more, cite millions of examples etc but I'll stop here. Thank you for reading this far.

Bump

Hello OP. I guess you know you had terrible parents? I'm so sorry. In a nutshell, you owe him nothing, and if you think it would substantially improve your mental health to cut him off then do so. If you want to maintain contact with him try and do it on your terms rather than his. He expects to stay for a month with you? I don't think so. Train him like a puppy. Zoom calls fine but the first hint of bad behaviour cut the call and don't apologise. Take no notice of his manipulative wheedling ways.
You sound like you've made a decent life for yourself from very unpromising beginnings, for which I heartily congratulate you.
Here, have some

Your Dad let you down so badly. You need to have a long think about what would be best for you. But you do need to be in control of the situation, I really don’t think havingif him stay with you for a month would be good for you. What ever you decide remember you don’t owe him anything, he

Yes I think you should cut him off
He sounds like a shit father.

So sorry

I wouldn’t cut him off for telling your sister what he shouldn’t have. I think it’s unreasonable to expect people to maintain quarantined information within relationships.

I’m in the middle of such a situation and it’s shit, makes it hard to have a natural conversation because you have to remember who isn’t supposed to know what.

However, all the rest would be enough to cut him off.

If he was a friend who was occasionally good company but also totally unreliable and very needy, what would you do?

You have no duty of care to this man.

I'd keep up the video calls but stop the month long visit. I wouldn't want to have a month long visit with anyone. If he wants to visit then I'd agree to a week tops and he can stay elsewhere.

Do not let him stay with you.

Go very low contact while you consider NC.

What horrendous ‘parents’. You don’t owe him anything.

I went low contact with mine (which he didn’t seem to notice or care about) and now have finally cut him off. I didn’t do anything to actually cut him off, I just didn’t bother contacting him.

it’s been 5 years and I have no regrets. It took him that long to even realise and I think he’s upset about it because he wants to save face in front of his friends - he doesn’t actually give a shit about me, it’s just a bit humiliating socially for him. Utterly bizarre. But from my perspective, he’s never done parenting - left it all to my mum, he’s never given a shit about me or my siblings, only himself. So it’s not much of a loss - but a huge gain not to see someone who’s really rude and negative.

you could try low contact first and see how you go. You don’t need to tell him. Just be unavailable for the calls for a bit - working/ill/away whatever. Or tell him you don’t feel like it today.

Thank you so much. It does really help to hear I had shit parents because sometimes I get caught up in the gaslighting. I'm sorry @kaben you've had to cut your father off. The thing you said about him only caring because of the way it would affect his social status really resonates with me also 😥.

It is hard being guarded with parents when you have to watch every word you say. He has proved himself untrustworthy and unpleasant, that is reason enough for LC/NC you have zero obligation to him.
My parents were dreadful and I felt better NC, LC having the spectre of them hanging over me, duty phone calls and admin, crushed me. My parents were alcoholic and I grew up practically feral! Shit parents who believe they are entitled to a loving family once they are sad, lonely and needy are cheeky, entitled feckers.

They sound like the absolute worst @PrettySenior Who put themselves first every time. Totally inadequate to the point of real damage. Do not feel guilted or manipulated ❤️

Yes thank you both that's exactly right - shit parents who now act entitled and they put themselves first every time. It really helps to hear it as in my head I keep thinking oh they're not that bad just a bit self-centred.... no they were so shit I nearly didn't survive.

@PrettySenior have you ever actually told him how shit they were? Because you do have a right to say it, you know?

God they sound rubbish!

Life is all about perspective- are they better with you now? Have you told them how what they did to you made you feel?

Are they still impacting your mental health?

One thing I would recommend is not to look back as you are not heading that way!

Your parents were like that because of their own experiences of growing up. That is not an excuse but it is a reason.

You owe him nothing though and please call him out on his comments around parenting etc and know that you are not an inferior person to your sister - you are both victims

Yes I've told them. They both apologised and I forgave them at the time. However my mother's behaviour has massively improved since my childhood and I do believe she would do things differently if we could go back in time. My father has still behaved selfishly and I don't think he would change a thing (my sister has said she thinks the same, although he claims he would).

I would dump him without a second thought. You owe him zero. He is old, lonely and needy - well, you reap what you sow I'm afraid.

I just want to say that it is seriously impressive that you have achieved what you have after such an awful childhood. You should be very proud of yourself.

I did it, it was such a relief.
I should have done it sooner but I felt sorry for him and kept hoping that he would at some point be the Dad I hoped for and deserved but that wasnt going to happen.
There were 2 final straws for me
He stole a document from my house and tried to use it against my Mum in their divorce, claimed I had given it to him.
I got pregnant - I decided that while I could choose to put up with his nonsense it wasnt fair asking my child to.
I didnt see him for 10 years before he died, didnt visit him in Hospital at the end, although some family members encouraged me to and I didnt go to his funeral.
No regrets at all, I wish he had had a better life after I cut him off as I didnt bear him any ill will, I just didnt want him in my life. I was utterly indifferent to him

He failed you when you needed him. Why should you listen to his ideas of what makes a good mother when he was so shit?

This to me is another example of a crap entitled parent seeking to belittle a child they should be immensely proud of.

You owe him nothing, let alone a relationship here. It is not possible to have a relationship of any sort with a narcissist. The only people who tend to bother with those like your dad are the people who have received the Special Training ie the now adult children of same. He is really not worth bothering about. Deal with your fear, obligation and guilt through therapy.

agree with this.

how you managed not to laugh in his face when he's espousing about great parenting, i'll never know!

Thank you. I never laughed in his face because his comments catch me off guard every single time. And if I call him out later he just says he can't remember saying it, or I'm being too sensitive and overreacting etc.

Mine used to try gaslighting as well. One of the reasons I decided to go NC

I’d suggest don’t get caught up giving him more credit than he deserves for the nice things he did when you were a child eg Disney.

Because you had so little from him, these things obviously stand out as important to you and you are giving them more value than you should.

If you had had a normal childhood, doing nice things for you would have been so ordinary that as an adult you would have forgotten most of them, with just a few standing out. An adult who had a good/normal childhood just feels a warm glow when they think of the parent. They don’t have to dig through their childhood to remember ‘proofs’ that the parent cared.

You won’t know this, because you didn’t have that childhood. The fact that neither you or your sister want kids is proof of how bad things were.

So don’t let the one or two kind acts he did many years ago cloud your assessment of who he is now. If he is disturbing your peace of mind now, you have every justification to remove him from your life.

And don’t feel guilty about it. Embrace it and see how powerful it makes you feel.

Thank you so much @Imgoingtobefree . You've made an excellent point about the few happy times during childhood standing out so much more to me than they would to someone who's had a normal childhood. I've noticed that as well for memories like going to a pizza party for a schoolmate or simple things like that. There weren't many good times so those that were happy seem to mean more. And then I find myself wondering why those old schoolmates don't seem so bothered about looking back at what to me were the best moments of my young life. You've given me a real light bulb moment - thank you.