Falling apart

[Pieinsky]

I feel so sad and helpless.
4years ago I met an amazing man. The 1st man I could imagine marrying and letting into my and my daughters life.
He is kind and generous. My family adore him.
My daughter sees him more as a parent than her Dad. She is almost 20 lives at home and sees him as a permanent person in her life. I am financially independent and my own home.
I love him as he does me. We are faithful and obviously want this. Got engaged.
But we can't stop arguing the last few months.
He has a tendency to blame my hormones starting menopause. I'm on HRT and I agree I'm more emotional and argumentative. By nature I try listen and understand, talk things out, find a resolution, give chances and patient.
He lives with his elderly parent (carer) and self employed.
I have always been supportive and feel this won't be forever. Sometimes it feels like I'm with a married man with another home life.
Over time things have changed. It's normal in a relationship I get that, but he never wants to go out anymore, not even dinner just us. We rarely are intimate anymore as he is tired and still hasn't stayed over in my house. He is respectful of my daughter and his own responsibilities at home I get that.
We had an opportunity tonight. I naturally looked forward to it last few days, thought what to wear got ready and get a call to say he wasn't feeling great was a no go.
I thought don't go mad, it's not a big deal.I'm sure it's genuine. But I felt so pathetic for getting ready and looking forward to it. Rarely do we have time just us. The more he tried to explain how unwell/tired he was the more I kept hearing I/me. I have been hearing that for a while now. It's on his time/wants/needs.
Why can't I feel stupid for hoping, feel sad that he doesn't realise we have no social life or sx life anymore. That this wasn't just about my 'needs or our sx life'.This was how our relationship has changed. We go by his mood/time/energy/decisions. If I try discuss this it becomes a row. He feels stressed. I am being demanding, selfish, impatient, menopausal.
He makes me question myself. Almost gaslighting. This goes around in a circle, me saying I'm struggling feeling like I'm there to accommodate him. Him saying he's stressed and things will change and doesn't need this agro his life is stressful enough. I cry then because I know nothing changes, our fantastic relationship is crumbling away and I can't fix it or make him see that.

When he says you're being demanding, menopausal, etc., he's doing that to shut you up. You want to discuss things and he doesn't want to so he deflects you. Your focus of attention is then naturally diverted to what he's just said about you rather than on the subject you want to discuss.
When he deflects you try just saying 'that may be so, but ...'. Then bring the conversation back to what you want to discuss. This might not work if he's an arsehole though as he may just walk away from you.

You say 'almost gaslighting'. There's no almost.

Op this isn't a relationship. Not anymore.

You don't date and there's no intimacy. And every time you try to raise this he gaslights you and makes you feel you don't have any right to do so...so there's no communication either.

Its already over.
It won't go back to the way it was because he only made the effort then in order to draw you in.

I'm not sure what his endgame is. Maybe he wants you to move in and care for his parents. Or maybe he has another woman on the go (wpuld explain never taking you out for dates) but wants to keep you on the back burner. Or maybe he things you have money? Or perhaps he just likes you as a sounding board for all his troubles.

But whatever the case is, he doesn't want an actual, reciprocal relationship. He's parasitic.

Let him go and don't be persuaded to take him back.

When the fun stops, stop.

I'm sorry youre going through this.
I think its time you sit down an really discuss where you want the relationship to go (if at all TBF)

You dont live together - some i'm wondering if you can work out what changed a few months ago?
I agree - him consistently blaming your hormones when you bring up issues is potential gas lighting.
He doesn't sound sucha wonderful man if you cant even discuss openly your relationship issues without him gas lighting you or dismissing your concerns

I agree with the poster that said you'd be happier away from him, in a flat with your daughter.

I don't think I'd double down and have another kid with him. He's a knob and I suspect you're fixation on kid two would dissipate greatly, if it wasn't for him around making you feel alone by treating you like shit.

You don't need to prove anything to him or yourself btw. Your decision back then was perfectly valid.

Better to regret not having a child than to regret having one. Children shouldn't suffer because we have them when we aren't willing, or able to care for them. Or, when we have them with the wrong people, for the wrong reasons.

Bollocks, ignore my last response it's on the wring thread.

Using you going through menopause is so below the belt and just rude. Its his way of telling you how he feels you should be treated. Would he blear this out to a work colleague? or is this for your ears only? its really telling how he really feels.

The rejection when it comes to your needs too is also telling. Him cancelling on you is a sign for you to now reevaluate what your needs are, and if he really is the great fit you say he is, or if you are just fearing not finding the one.

He is not going to wake up one day and choose you, his actions and words are quite clear, so rather than listen to what he is saying to you, perhaps look at his actions. If this was your daughters BF, and she came to you with this issue, what would your advise be?

Have you involved yourself at all in the care of his relative? Just wondering if you have any understanding of the demands placed upon him.