Delicate situation, need advice please

Goawayrainydays · 2024-04-22T11:10:27+00:00

Been in a relationship for 30 years plus. We are both almost 50. I'd say for approximately 6 months now my partner is having trouble with maintaining an erection during sex. We've talked about it and he bought some viagra from the pharmacist but tbh it doesn't really make much difference. He's already got massive self esteem issues and I'm so scared of bringing it up again that I'll make the problem worse as it will be on his mind more. Basically almost every time we have sex he has a semi so it obviously doesn't feel great like it should. He does pleasure me in other ways but I miss having normal piv sex. How an earth do I say that without it destroying his confidence?

cerisepanther73 · 22/04/2024 12:18

@Goawayrainydays
Just tell him how 🤔 good he is pleasuring you with what he is doing now

and wouldn't it be fun pleasurable to try out for a change going the whole way,
or words to that effect,

Focus on intimacy too
Tantric intimacy and sensuality

Karma sutra could be beneficial too

ToBeOrNotToBee · 22/04/2024 12:20

He needs to see his GP. His symptoms and how viagra isn't working screams of heart problems.

Original poster

Goawayrainydays · 22/04/2024 14:07

I will try and persuade him to go....

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 22/04/2024 14:09

Don't phrase it as a you-problem. You don't have an issue with it. It's an issue you both have as a couple. 'How are we going to sort out this problem we'd both like to fix' is much easier to handle on the receiving end than 'You need to fix this, in order to meet my needs'

Anothernick · 22/04/2024 14:23

He has massive self-esteem issues.

So any failure to perform sexually is only going to make things worse for him. I'm a man and I can tell you that failure to deliver what your partner requires is not just embarrassing, it's a really horrible feeling and there is a danger of getting into a downward spiral - failure to perform makes you stressed and this makes failure more likely etc etc.

I think this happens to all of us at some time and most people get over it - my remedy is to abstain from all forms of sexual activity until the urge becomes overwhelming, this might take a week or two depending on circumstances (I've also been with my partner for 30+ years). I'm not sure I'd reach for viagra as the first option, I wouldn't like to think I couldn't perform without help, would be a last resort. Once normal service has been resumed it's easy to put the issue behind you.

A check-up is always a good idea but I wouldn't rush to the conclusion that he has medical problems if he is otherwise fit and well.

OrlandointheWilderness · 22/04/2024 14:44

Anothernick · 22/04/2024 14:23

He has massive self-esteem issues.

So any failure to perform sexually is only going to make things worse for him. I'm a man and I can tell you that failure to deliver what your partner requires is not just embarrassing, it's a really horrible feeling and there is a danger of getting into a downward spiral - failure to perform makes you stressed and this makes failure more likely etc etc.

I think this happens to all of us at some time and most people get over it - my remedy is to abstain from all forms of sexual activity until the urge becomes overwhelming, this might take a week or two depending on circumstances (I've also been with my partner for 30+ years). I'm not sure I'd reach for viagra as the first option, I wouldn't like to think I couldn't perform without help, would be a last resort. Once normal service has been resumed it's easy to put the issue behind you.

A check-up is always a good idea but I wouldn't rush to the conclusion that he has medical problems if he is otherwise fit and well.

Viagra not working is an indicator of a heart related issue. Probably isn't but needs checking out.

Original poster

Goawayrainydays · 22/04/2024 21:50

Anothernick · 22/04/2024 14:23

He has massive self-esteem issues.

So any failure to perform sexually is only going to make things worse for him. I'm a man and I can tell you that failure to deliver what your partner requires is not just embarrassing, it's a really horrible feeling and there is a danger of getting into a downward spiral - failure to perform makes you stressed and this makes failure more likely etc etc.

I think this happens to all of us at some time and most people get over it - my remedy is to abstain from all forms of sexual activity until the urge becomes overwhelming, this might take a week or two depending on circumstances (I've also been with my partner for 30+ years). I'm not sure I'd reach for viagra as the first option, I wouldn't like to think I couldn't perform without help, would be a last resort. Once normal service has been resumed it's easy to put the issue behind you.

A check-up is always a good idea but I wouldn't rush to the conclusion that he has medical problems if he is otherwise fit and well.

This is my fear, it will make him feel absolutely terrible.
We recently did abstain for 2 weeks (normally twice a week) due to illness and circumstances. But this made no difference either.

OP posts:

category12 · 22/04/2024 22:12

How's the rest of his health? Weight/drinking habits?

I agree he probably ought to go get checked out by the doctor if OTC viagra isn't helping, in case there are underlying health problems.

Original poster

Goawayrainydays · 23/04/2024 06:52

category12 · 22/04/2024 22:12

How's the rest of his health? Weight/drinking habits?

I agree he probably ought to go get checked out by the doctor if OTC viagra isn't helping, in case there are underlying health problems.

Normal weight and otherwise good health. Drinks on average 3 - 4 bottles of wine a week over 4 nights.

OP posts:

Anothernick · 23/04/2024 06:59

Goawayrainydays · 22/04/2024 21:50

This is my fear, it will make him feel absolutely terrible.
We recently did abstain for 2 weeks (normally twice a week) due to illness and circumstances. But this made no difference either.

Show quote history

TMI perhaps but can you be sure he abstained for two weeks? Is there any reason to think he may masturbate excessively, use porn etc?

KrisTheGardener · 23/04/2024 07:02

That's a lot of wine. He needs to see the GP to rule out other problems.

category12 · 23/04/2024 08:37

Goawayrainydays · 23/04/2024 06:52

Normal weight and otherwise good health. Drinks on average 3 - 4 bottles of wine a week over 4 nights.

Show quote history

That's a lot of wine. Him toning that down might help.

Anothernick · 23/04/2024 08:43

KrisTheGardener · 23/04/2024 07:02

That's a lot of wine. He needs to see the GP to rule out other problems.

Yes 4 bottles of wine would be about 40 units of alcohol, that is almost three times as much as the recommended level, that is really too high on a regular basis.

FWIW I find alcohol has a more negative impact on my sexual performance now than it did when I was younger, I would not drink if I thought sex was on the cards later in the day.

Pigeonqueen · 23/04/2024 08:45

Goawayrainydays · 23/04/2024 06:52

Normal weight and otherwise good health. Drinks on average 3 - 4 bottles of wine a week over 4 nights.

Show quote history

That’s a lot of wine! 😳

Definitely needs a check up with the GP.

MMmomDD · 23/04/2024 08:52

So - he downs a bottle of wine most work nights? Erection problems aside - by age 50 he might have many types of alcohol related problems.
It’s a miracle you are managing sex a couple times a week with him as is. Most men will have erection problems with this much alcohol in their system on a regular basis.