I don't know what to do

[Se1401]

Hi all, hoping for some advice.

Just for some context my ex and I were together for 8 years and have a 4 year old together, i also have a 10 year old from previous relationship.

Ex is like jekyll and hyde, id say 85% of him is great, fantastic father, makes me laugh, attraction still there etc but the other 15% is vile.

He has been horrible to me in the past (verbally and emotionally abusive) which has always been attributed to stress. He struggles a lot with depression and with things that happened to him during his childhood (not an excuse i know). He was selfish and made me feel like I was never a priority.

We split up over a year ago and live seperately but still see a lot of each other. He has made no secret of the fact he wants to be together and keep the family together etc but for good reason i am unsure. Over the last 6 months he has addressed a lot of his issues, has been seeing a counsellor and started antidepressants. He now willingly admits his faults which he has never done before. He says that losing his family has made him realise what a lonely life he was going to have and it terrified him.

I have tried to move on and speak to other men etc but I only want my family together.

I am struggling so much financially, ex works away in the week so i work 35 hours and do everything with the kids, appointments, clubs etc and the house jobs and it is draining. I have so much guilt that I can no longer afford to do things with the kids that we used to, holidays, treats etc. I know money isn't the be all and end all but at the same time its much better to have it!

My question is would you go back? The only thing stopping me is the fear of this being an act to get me back and not being genuine but he does seem to have changed and realised a lot of his faults. My family think i am an idiot for even considering it but they don't see it from my life, they're all married and live lovely lives whereas i spend every night alone, worry about money constantly and am faced with the possibility of selling my home etc.

In an ideal world we would be together as a family, able to go away and have days out like we used to. I want my children to have an amazing childhood. The world is a scary place and this country is failing rapidly and I want them to have the best that I can possibly give them.

Absolutely fucking not.

Op, there's a saying - if a sandwich was 85% your favorite ingredients and 15% shit, would you eat it?

You've already done the best thing for your kids in leaving this guy. Children do not belong in a household where the father abuses their mother. They do not deserve to grow up think 'good' people are 15% evil to their partners and we should just tolerate it.

Well fucking done you for getting out of that mess. He's not 'great'. He IS the 15% vile who acts the 85% great in order to trick you. He's a wolf wearing a sheep mask.

You know how you know the difference? Good people don't tend to do and say evil, hurtful shit. Evil people? Why they pretend to be good all the fucking time... but the people closest to them...well, they get to see the darkness and bile. Ever time the mask slips.

Don't be fooled again.

You can take proactive steps to tackle the issues like lack of funds. But don't take ten steps back and date this arsenic (I wrote arsewipe and the spellchecker changed it to something equally relevant) again. He is poison.

You've already done the best the you can for your kids. Never take him back.

Get a cms claim I'm ASAP too if you haven't. If he turns nasty, make good use of the police, thats what they are for.

Ps: you say he said he realised how sad his life would be. Has he also realised how much damage he did you and his children? Is he ashamed for how he behaved? Does it feel genuine?

Because to me it sounds like like he said, all about him. So he's apologising because it would be better for him... in order to con you back.

If I abused my wife (and as a biproduct of that, my kids) and had any kind of GENUINE breakthrough and remorse about it, then no way, NO WAY would I try to get back with her. Because i'm clearly a risk to her and my family.

I'd apologise and perhaps try to coparent effectively, yes. But no guilt tripping, no trying to coax her back, no refusing to give her any space. Probably would communicate through a third party whenever possible. THAT is growth. Recognising you hurt that woman and you need to be single. Potentially forever if you have the capacity to be an abuser. But certainly for many years waist you do intensive therapy.

But abusers don't tend to do that.

They are con artists and liars who only say and do whatever they think you want to hear.

I would say that with counselling perhaps you could give it a try. The grass isn't always greener.

I would never return to an abusive man once you've managed to escape. I did it and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Messed everything up. He nearly killed me. And he had "realised the error of his ways" etc etc. It's bs. They do not change.

Never go back.

He has not changed, he merely wants you to think that he has. Do not fall for such attempts at manipulating your emotions.

Women in poor relationships tend to write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

He’s also not a fantastic father either if he has abused you as the mother of his children. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You all need to stay well away from him. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme as this will further help in your recovery from his abuses of you.

Remember that the only acceptable level
of abuse in a relationship is none. Your children need to be taught that by you.

Let me ask you this - he's swanning off to work away in the week. Does he acknowledge that is hard on you? Does he make an effort when he's away to stay in contact with you/the DC? Does he see the DC plenty when he is back? Is he reliable at being there for them and turn up when he is supposed to? Does he pay an appropriate level of maintenance to support you and the DC? (I'm assuming you have them at least 10/14, probably more so that should be a big factor).

Then also, do you feel safe with him? Can you say or do things without worrying how he will react? Can you ask him for help/more/change and know that he'll hear you out? Do you feel you have equal control over how things will work/children/living arrangements/chores?

Because unless the answer to every single one of those question is a big resounding YES, he has not changed anywhere near sufficiently for you to consider going back with him.

And in most cases, it is very difficult for people to change, and even more difficult for them to change significantly.

Women in poor relationships tend to write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Or, the "But he really does love the DC" comment. Doh a) it shouldn't need to be said and b) loving something/someone isn't enough - you have to actually be a good dad too.

6 months is hardly any time at all. Anyone can perform like a different person for that length of time, and it is a cakewalk for a Jekyll and Hyde type. The most dangerous people are the ones who really know how to deceive, and disguse themselves as a safe person, so you are possibly at more risk than you realise. How would he react if you told him it was definitively over and you moved on with another man?

He does make an effort to contact when away, he speaks to us via facetime 3-4 times a day usually. When he is back he comes and takes DC straight away and always has plans for them to do really nice things together (always asks if id like to join too, sometimes i do). He always has them when he says he will and often tries to see them more when possible. Maintenence is the rough area, he pays me every single month but not as much as he would have to if i went through CMS... he is also struggling financially paying for his place/bills/car and debt payments.

This is where i struggle, WHEN everything is going ok so the 85% of the time, i feel safe,happy, content etc BUT when he has an 'episode' of depression and he turns into this nast horrible person then no i do not. Never been physically abusve and genuinely don't think he would but the verbal/emotional abuse is just as bad.

Part of me genuinely feels like he has some sort of psychiatric disorder and he struggles to deal with emotions.

Put your CMS claim in . Instantly part of your issues have improved... I appreciate it may not fund lots days out..but a start... Cms is the minimum payment why is he Disney daddy and not paying the minimum.

. That seems like a lot of contact to me 3/4 face times a day! .... you really don't sound separated if he works away anyway whats the difference? Apart from where he sleeps at the weekend.... could be be really confusing for the dc

You sound like you've not really moved on ... You're in a limbo space .....still waiting for him to lead/change....

Maybe separate completely for 6mths so handover/children only conversations...
How are u ever going to move on with that level of contact..
If your family think you'd be mad i think that says a lot.... This reads as if it's about your fears .... Not whats best for you and dc.... future not past ..

For the first 6 months or so of the separation we barely spoke, literally just to arrange DC contact. We didn't do anything together. He had a breakdown before christmas and tried to commit suicide which is why I started contacting him more, the majority of the time we get on really well and i enjoy his company.

Regarding my family, i have made the mistake in the past of being oversharing with our issues and due to this they dislike him (for good reasons!) but i also failed to share about all the good stuff he does too.

I am terrified about the future and what it holds. As it stands I am on my arse every month, budgeting to do absolutely anything and feel so guilty.

I think i am just hoping for a miracle. I want my family back.

WHEN everything is going ok so the 85% of the time, i feel safe,happy, content etc

Have a think why this is. A healthy boundary is something which would prevent you from ever feeling safe around someone who had abused you. What stops you having that boundary? He has proven to you many times that although you might feel safe, you're not, because he changes.

My question to you would be 'which of your parents used to do this?', because you've learned somewhere that in this circumstance, you stay, and you keep trying to continue the 'family' feeling. We can only learn that as children, because as adults, if we haven't learned it before, we walk away from people who treat us badly, however many cherries they currently have on top.

I am happily married. If DH wanted to facetime me every day while he was away, I'd probably kill him. That is actually a red flag for me. When you have young children, you don't have time for constant facetime calls with someone. It smacks of him wanting to know where you are at all times, ensuring you are completely available. What happens if you don't answer the call or can only speak for a minute?

Great that he has the DC, that's positive.

Money - absolute ginormous red flag. He plays LESS than CMS - which isn't exactly known for its insistence on a super generous payment from the NRP. This makes me think that of course he wants to get back together - he'd move back in, have fewer bills and probably less work to do AND he wouldn't have CMS payments.

Is he ever emotionally or verbally abusive currently? You haven't answer the questions about whether you feel safe with him, can speak you mind or highlight issues etc/ Is he just great with the DC but terrible with you still?

I also think you should consider your family's view too. I don't mean make decisions based on what they think, but I think when you're not involved, you can more easily see the boundaries. So yes, it's true that some of the time he is great. But with less emotional investment, outsiders (family, friends, even colleagues) can see that the not-great behaviour is not okay.

I assume that if he'd ever hit you, you'd understand why your family would not want him in your life any more? As the family member of a woman who was verbally and emotionally abused for a long time, I can tell you that for me, the line on that kind of abuse is 100% as clear as it is for physical abuse.

As I think Attila likes to say on these threads: the only acceptable level of abuse in any relationship is none. Just because he's not knocking your teeth out, doesn't mean that his abuse was or is okay.

Also, if he was genuinely suicidal just a few months ago, I'd be very very concerned about feeling like his caregiver. Someone who is suicidal needs outside help and support. It can't, and shouldn't, be on you.