This is quite long, and I am in a bit of shock but also quite numb.
Basically she has told me that she'll never move to be with me ever.
For the last 3 years we've been seeing one another she has always said she will do. There were some (seemingly valid) reasons why she couldn't for now, she would after something had happened or been completed etc.
A few days ago she told me she just can't do it. So I said, well I guess that's that then?
But she doesn't want to break up. I just don't know what to do, can I start again?
Do we carry on and see what happens or would that just be a waste of my time? Do I need to ask her more things?
I met her through mutual friends when I was visiting my old hometown and she was also there at a night out.
We got on well and she happened to me in my vicinity for work over the next few weeks so we swapped numbers and arranged to meet up for lunch.
She told me then she was really interested in me and that she had no real ties where she lived so, if we met up a few more times and things progressed she'd move to me.
I told her I was sort of half looking for a relationship, I was ready and had been looking, was on dating sites etc, I wanted to get married and settle down and share lives with the right person. I'd been single a few years before that as I knew I needed to work through some issues.
I didn't want to rush things but after about a year of dating we began looking at her moving.
I told her right from the beginning that I wouldn't consider moving to her so it could never work if that was expected. I'd only just moved house after a really awful few years and didn't want to move again, and I also really dislike the area she lives in having spent some time there for work a few years prior.
It wasn't much of a conversation back then because she was very excited about moving to me, said she'd never consider me doing the move, she had no ties other than a job, the type she could get anywhere.
It feels as if she's just strung me along now. Looking back she kept saying she would but couldn't 'for now'.
I feel really quite stupid, and duped, and lied to.
The 'awful few years' I refer to involve an emotionally abusive ex, who also turned physical on several occasions-one of which involved her throwing me down a flight of stairs, I am permanently injured from this and still have to have regular deep tissue massages, physiotherapy and have been in counselling for.
I do feel lucky though as I could have lost my life or become brain-damaged, and I didn't. My ex also had children who were in care, and I battled through that for her to see them again, and visited them regularly even when she was forbidden to, spent a lot of money on them, eventually the youngest one came to live with us (teenager at the time) and there were constant arguments in the house, teen brought unsavoury characters back regularly, put me and my family at risk, brought drugs into the house, began carrying weapons-all sorts of stuff. I also was put under scrutiny after she accused me of beating her up (I've never laid a finger on her, or anyone!) and of supplying her with drugs-SS needed all my bank account transactions and informed the police, ultimately nothing was done as there was no proof but it was awful.
It was an awful couple of years and I was a permanent nervous wreck. I could be here all day explaining things that happened with that relationship. Ex cheated on me and turned on me at the end.
Once I was recovered and ready to meet someone else I met my current partner but as I've said, I told her it wasn't feasible and she convinced me it was and that she really wanted to come and live with me. I fell for her over time although I was careful, I felt like things were looking up for me, we made a lot of plans.
I've hated long distance though and was just looking forward to having a real relationship. I feel like my life has been on hold. I don't like the long drive, and hate going for weeks without seeing one another. I wanted a partner not a date every now and again.
Prior to my ex I was in love with a wonderful woman who I believed I'd be with forever but she ultimately wanted different things to me and left.
Before that I was single for a long time as I was in the closet, and then I had a terrible relationship with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, wasn't abusive as such but very painful and so awful once I realised.
Prior to that I was in a relationship with a man who was abusive.
I feel like everyone I've ever been with has let me down hugely. I've given so much and got nothing back.
I am in my forties, and me and current partner had talked about getting married-we'd considered having a baby too! And now I feel I am just older and have missed my chance to do any of those things. I wanted to get married while my parents were still around and healthy.
I am also worried that I am now damaged from all of this and not fit for a relationship again. After my abusive ex I had counselling and did a lot of work on myself. The time she injured me was actually not when we were together however it was when I went to collect some things, almost a year later.
I just don't know what to do. Life has been on hold I feel, waiting for her to move and be with me properly. Now I am supposedly alone and will be and that's that.
Everything else in life is fine really. I have a decent job, a few assets, friends, health. I probably have little to complain about. I think the most disheartening thing is how much work I did on myself after years of abuse one way or another, I really didnt think this would happen to me again.