Did I mess this up - was I selfish.

[Tiredgrumpyhormones]

Split up with my ex of 2 years this week. i lived at his for 10 months. I ended up there as I sold my house, rent was high and he offered. He lived miles away so the plan was I was always going to buy a house closer to my work. If things went well he would rent his out and move in. I hated his area as I commuted 2 hrs a day to work and was always tired. Was not found my friends and he didn’t introduce me to anyone or include me.

week 1 living with him, a house on a new development came up. The ones in my price range are rare and go quickly. I showed him it he said was nice. I went in my day off to have a look as I had friends close by. I put a deposit down there and then. Previously house went within 24 hrs of being advertised. His remark was he couldn’t believe I bought a house without talking to him. I hadn’t at that point, just reserved a popular plot but he knew I was really interested.

told him I put down a deposit when I came home and had 14 days to change my mind. Invited him to the initial meeting with the developer and before I committed had a chat with him if this was the right move and did he like the area. He said definitely nice area, close to friends and his work was near by. He wanted to trial living together before he committed to moving in but liked it.

fir many months we didn’t get on. He did what he wanted and I didn’t feel included. We lived like room mates. He didn’t want to get involved in the house. I invited him to all meetings. asked him to chose furniture with me. He wasn’t interested, kept saying it was my house and money.

it got to the point I didn’t want him to move in as I was walking on eggshells round him. He said week before I move out that I hated his area and bought a house I wanted to be closer to where I wanted. I got what I wanted.

my friend asked if I think it failed as I set the tone week 1 by reserving a house without speaking to him and getting him involved in where he may live? I said it was the plan for me to buy a house myself and it was my money.

do you think I was selfish by not discussing this with him. Did this show that I didn’t really see a future?

I think you had a lucky escape

Didn’t you post this last week?

But it’s the first time someone said do you think his behaviour was based on you buying a house without consulting him? Without consulting where he may possibly live?

I think you showed you weren’t really interested in a partnership with him.

Why shouldn’t you choose where you want to live? Enjoy it. Plenty more fish, OP. Women are expected to bend over backwards to fit around what men want all the time. It’s bullshit. You earned it, you enjoy it.

No. You did not mess the relationship up. He was simply not as invested as you and looked for a way out.
You weren't together long so just count your lucky stars that you have a new start to look forward to.
As a pp said - you have had a very lucky escape.
Please don't agonise over whether you did anything wrong. You didn't. It sounds like you bent over backwards to include him and to explain. All he did was try and make you doubt yourself and make everything your fault. There's a word for that - gaslighting. Tell him to fuck off and then go live a brilliant life without a look over your shoulder.

@AllosaurusMum the plan we discussed was for me to buy a house. We were never doing it together. If it worked. He was going to rent his out. We both wanted our own property.

sure I read this before

I feel like I read this before. Weren't you in the process of moving out of his place and into your new house? I think you thought you felt like it was going to end in a break up? So did you break up?

My husband bought a house when I wasn't there. We lived in it for two years. It was a similar situation where he had to make a decision quickly and I was at work. He had just gone to look at it in his lunch hour.

I think you did the right thing buying a house that suited you. I don't agree with your friend. Your relationship didn't end because you bought a house without consulting him.

I also read this before? Can anyone clarify?

I have posted before. But it’s a different question. Did our relationship breakdown as I bought a house without chatting to him first week of living with him. She pointed out I made a decision without consulting him on his potential house.

one reason he gave me was that he didn’t want to rely on someone providing his bed. He wanted his own security. As it’s my house it didn’t give him security

She dd clarify, 43 minutes before you posted.

Yes, but it wasn't an irreversible decision. You had 14 days to pull out and you viewed it with him and then discussed it with him. He had plenty of time to tell you how he felt about it.

I will give your friend the benefit of the doubt and assume she is playing devil's advocate. Saying stuff she probably doesn't mean just to talk it through. At worst she's an arse who wants to bring you down a peg or two.

The reason why your boyfriend behaved the way he did is because he was hoping you would get comfortable/complacent and forget all about buying and he could stay exactly where he was. He never had any intention of moving and was pissed off from the beginning that you were going to move, whether he liked it or not.

I’ve read this post or very similar several times now!!!!!!

aren't you the poster who also had to uproot their dc from previous relationship and their beds from this ex's house? wasn't it him not wanting to commit to buying with you but went behind your back and bought? so you broke up and moved out because of that? so confusing and hope I am confusing you with some else.

He’s controlling. FFS, you didn’t have to talk to him before getting a place that works for you.

glad you are free. Please don’t second guess this. It’s not his damn decision or business.

I think that's a reasonable comment to make to be fair, nothing wrong with wanting own security.

No you had a right to choose a house you'll be buying.
I think he's not that interested in a future with you so what does it matter.

All this.

You clearly weren't compatible. Who cares what your ex thought? He had plenty of time to use his words and tell you.

Just move on and enjoy your house!