What do you except from a partner?

[Suziebeans]

So obviously no one is perfect, but what is the ‘minimum’ that you would expect from your DP? And what do you definitely not put up with whilst in a relationship?

Always feel like I question if I put up with too much or if actually most people go through the same struggles in their relationship as I do. Always on the fence about leaving but also worried about if I did leave, would I ever find a relationship where I was happier or would that just face its own set of issues?

There are more possibilities if you end a shit relationship than that, though - you could find a happy relationship - or you could be happy single.

Perhaps entertain the notion of being on your own. It's not a choice of one man you accept crap from or another man you accept crap from. A relationship should add to your life, not be detrimental to it.

What are you putting up with from your h that you don't like? Telling us that might be more helpful for answers.

There’s just so many things if I’m honest. Like he always has a way to make me feel like I am not allowed a moment for myself (we have a DS who is 19 months) and my partner says earlier that he’s off to the gym, I say ok I’ll see you a bit later! Then when he is home and I am cooking us all tea he makes comments about me taking to long to cook and he starts getting stressed looking after DS and so I then cook and look after DS to not stress him out. After tea he makes comments about me taking too long to wash up too. After I ask if I can go and have a shower which I met with ‘can’t you have one after DS has gone to bed’ which I don’t like doing as means I have to go to bed with wet hair as the hair dryer always wakes him (really light sleeper). He’s just such a stressy person, and whilst I am laid back I just feel like he is forever treating me how he would not accept me treating him if that makes sense? One rule for him and one rule for me. If I do ever go out for the evening he will quiz me on if I spoke to any men and even a polite hello when my friends have been talking to someone means I have been ‘out of order’, yet he has women from his gym that he tells me he speaks to and follow him on social media (this doesn’t bother me, just an example of one rule for one). Everything always has to be his way otherwise he gets stressed, and if he ever does anything for me such as drive me somewhere or watch DS whilst I do something, he will have such a ‘god complex’ about it as if he deserves this huge gold medal. We have just booked to go on holiday and as I am currently a stay at home mum until I go back to University in September, he is the one who paid for it and he’s made me feel like I should be endlessly thanking him (I am obviously grateful but how he acts is just to the extreme). I would just say he only seems happy about 10/15% of the time? The rest of the time he’s stressed, grumpy, in a bad mood - when he gets like that I’ll ask him if he wants to talk, if he says no then I will leave him too it. Yet if I have happened to have a hard overstimulating day (not often, think teething etc) with DS and am a little bit stressed when he gets through the door then he will let it bother him so much that it’ll end up in an argument.
I’ve also helped him through so many things in the past, he has the most addictive personality and has hid things behind my back, first a drug addiction where I helped him get clean, then a gambling addiction, then came the drinking which he would also always try and hide by hiding bottles. He even got a drunk driving ban (I’m deeply ashamed of this as I believe people who drink drive are absolute pigs). To get him away from drinking I gave him the ultimatum that he needs to start going to the gym otherwise it was over because I know when he gets in the right frame of mind and concentrates on that then that’s what he becomes ‘addicted’ too and obviously out of everything then that is a hundred times better, but even his addiction to the gym can turn him nasty if he doesn’t go, it has also given him body dysmorphia and so a lot of the time he is so down and miserable because he now hates how he looks even though he is regularly told he looks great by everyone. It’s hard because one thing he does do is admit he is hard work and knows he is at fault but after 7 years I just feel like it’s one thing after another and it is really wearing me down. But at the same time I am worried that if I was to leave him, would I regret it?
Sorry for long winded message!

It sounds like you're in a controlling, abusive relationship, to be honest. His behaviour is not OK.

I do not think you would regret leaving such a man in the long run.

That's a lot to deal with on top of having a toddler. Personally I wouldn't have patience for that. For me it's not worth it. Being with someone should enhance your life, not to drag you down.

@category12 @Olika thank you both, I guess from where he’s repeatedly told me that no one is perfect I just question if every relationship goes through similar things. I do love him, I do want us to work but I am just so so tired of it all now. I’m far from perfect myself but I know that I treat him with so much more respect then he does for me, and like you said Olika he definitely does not enhance my life!

Well you asked what we would put up with - I would not put up with any of that

OP he sounds absolutely intolerable and unbearable to live with. This is not the bare minimum, this sound like abuse as well as being totally unacceptable, bottom of the barrel behaviour. Bare minimum would be amazing compared to this.

He sounds miserable and critical and controlling. I wouldn’t put up with any of that.

Oh, OP, bless you. You have put up with his various addictions, put him first, stayed with him when most women would have run for the hills, and this is how he repays you?

None of his behaviour is acceptable. He's controlling, abusive, critical and lazy. A toxic combination.

I think you'd be happier if you left him.

Oh my. I really feel for you! You sound exhausted, and I’m not surprised. Him grilling you and telling you you’re out of order for just saying hello to another man is not on, not at all. He does sound very controlling - telling you that you’re taking too long cooking, washing dishes, etc. is nuts. It sounds like he doesn’t want to care for your child at all. You’ve mentioned he is paying for you to go back to Uni, I wonder how he will behave when you do. As another poster pointed out, his behaviour is below the bare minimum.

Thank you everyone - really useful having different peoples opinions on it!

I would t out up with a self indulgent loser like that for more than ten seconds.

As pp have said, this sounds controlling and abusive. The double standards are a classic part of an abusive dynamic.

What you are tolerating is well below minimum standard.

This kind of abuse will wear you down over time until you end up with health issues on top of the emotional stress. The sooner you leave the sooner you can have a life.

Imagine a time when the energy you are
currently burning up to keep things bearable can instead be turned towards positive growth and joy in your life.

I have a list of boundaries and wants if this helps...

Boundaries (things that are a 100% no-no)

• Physical abuse, threatening, wall hitting, etc.
• Emotional abuse, shouting, name calling, insulting, cold shouldering, constant grumpiness, etc.
• Disrespecting my; time, person, home, car, etc.. This can be turning up late, doing things I've asked him not to, making an unnecessary mess in my house, eating all my food, etc...
• Sexual ickiness; touching I don't want, nor understanding no, pestering for sex, hanging out on OF
• Cheating; I include emotional affairs as well as any sort of physical intimacy with another partner. I don't include strip clubs or porn but these can easily stray into the sexual ickiness camp
• Poor care towards my kid and dog; includes not being kind, being judgemental and criticising, expecting to come first before these pre-existing commitments

Those above generally would be a 1 strike and you are out the door offenses and I think they are an absolute minimum everyone should expect.

My wants is more personal;

• Someone kind, caring and respectful in their words and actions. I like compliments. I like to hear I am loved. I also want the actions to back-up what is said. Hugs, a cup of tea brought to me in bed now and then, someone who is keen to see me, speak to me, organise dates with me, remembers and marks special occasions thoughtfully... If I am not 100% sure that I am loved then he is doing it wrong.
• Someone giving and caring in the bedroom department.
• Someone solvent, with a job, responsible with money but not mean.
• Someone who is happy to give me space as needed and who can keep themselves busy.
• Someone with similar interests (don't all have to be the same but some common ground is good)
• A dog lover
• Someone who is willing to be an "uncle" figure to my DD
• Someone who likes to travel - but not too far, I backpacked and I hated it!!
• A camper
• Someone who can laugh at themselves, me and the world. A sense of humour that I get and who gets me.
• Someone who'll dress up with me when it's needed and who'd love to do a murder mystery dinner in costume!
• A reader
• Someone who enjoys eating and would occasionally cook (I don't want to give up my kitchen but I do like not to be the chef for every single meal!)

The list probably goes on. But I found it eventually! You partner wouldn't even pass my boundaries let alone meet my wants list. If he was mine I'd have thrown him back by now, you deserve so much better!

Thank you again everyone. It is nice to hear that I am not expecting the impossible and that I am right to be feeling the way I feel about it all - I think I am going to start to make plans on how to go about doing it alone and asking him to leave, so grateful that it is my house that we live in so I can do that!!

Good luck Suzie. I divorced my H 6 years ago. It's a hard process. You may feel guilty, regretful, exhausted, harassed, etc.. I felt all those things and more during the 6 months of divorcing and I knew I was doing the right thing. Just make notes up front of your reasoning for divorcing him and then stick to your guns. It's a long process but when you are going through hell you need to just keep going. It would be terrible to upset your kids and then to go back on it and not get your freedom.

I'd expect to be shown respect, kindness and consideration everyday. I'd expect my partner to be faithful to me. To be loved and cosseted/spoilt sometimes. To have equal say in important decision making. To bring me tea in bed. 😉

He is an abusive, selfish twat and you know it deep down op - you’re just so used to his abuse that you don’t know your arse from your elbow (no doubt helped by him constantly telling you that you are the problem and too sensitive etc)

Read your posts back and pretend it’s a friend telling you all this about her other half. What would you tell her to do?

He won’t even watch the baby for ten minutes whilst you shower - he is vile.