Ghosted by BFF when I escaped domestic abuser

[LEL24]

I was in a coercive controlling / domestic abusive relationship for 20years. We were friends with another couple, who my ex introduced me too. The female friend in that relationship became by best friend. Though when I finally realised I was in a domestic abusive relationship, I got support from a women’s organisation, who helped me get educated, who started helping me make a escape plan to break free from my abuser. Whilst being careful, that my child and I wouldn’t be physically hurt, we needed to do things slowly. My ex best friend then started becoming distant, the call started to stop, a distance developed, she said I needed antidepressants, it felt like I wasn’t believed. Then COVID hit, and I my ex best friend then ghosted me. We both agreed that we missed our old female friendship, she was god mother to my child, I was with her through her successful pregnancy. But when I escaped my abuser. She said that I should move on, stop being a victim, that I should move out of the family home, and she wouldn’t get in between her partner and my ex abusive ex friendship. I was completely ghosted, I couldn’t understand.

4 years later, I still miss my old friendship, and feel extremely hurt that she ghosted our friendship, at the time I needed friendship and support most. I just don’t understand why a female friend would do this to their best friend. I don’t feel like I can engage in deep meaningful female to female friendships anymore, I feel like I cannot bear to be hurt again.

What is worse, my ex abuser it’s seems goes to their home for visits, they welcome him openly, he takes our child. My child has said their child and my child wishes their mummies were friends.

I thought she was caring, wise, educated, compassionate, female empowered, would just be a friend…….she ghosted me, at a time we needed her support most.

She wasn't worthy of your friendship.

She still isn't.

People, inc women, are not clones; you csn meet a decent woman for a good friendship. They're not all like her.

They were his friends so they will side with him.

We were friends with another couple, who my ex introduced me too. The female friend in that relationship became by best friend.

You see I think this is a massive mistake that women make.

They make friends through their partners friends, and they think those women are friends with them...but they're not friends with them, they are friends with the the role of "John's" partner. When you stop being John's partner, they are no longer good friends with you or friends at all.
They usually befriend John's next partner.

They are couple friends, not your friends..

Not a true friend. She was a friend of the time. That time passed. Move on because you deserve better.

Remember OP, this isn't about you.
I imagine that she's (via her husband, and from your ex) been given a very different account of the situation.

If there is one thing coercive and abusive men can be, it is charming. That's how they lure in their victims after all. You yourself struggled to identify yourself as a victim of abuse.

So, don't take this personally. She's a shit friend for not believing you. But clearly your ex has gotten his narrative out there first.

You know through painful, first-hand experience how plausible abusers are to the outside world. It sounds as if your ex has spun a story about how you were just over sensitive, 'victim mentality' or god knows what. (It doesn't matter, you know the truth).

Like a lot of people, she has chosen not to think very deeply about what she's been told, and doesn't want her own social life to be disrupted by your separation. So she's taken the path of least resistance and has chosen your ex. More fool her.

I suspect that you will find it difficult to trust anyone for a good long while, as you recover from decades of abuse. Are you getting any therapy?

Her partner has zero intention of stopping being mates with your ex ... they don't want to believe you or hold him accountable. That would be uncomfortable and inconvenient. they'd rather believe you're lying or at the least exaggerating. Most people find it hard to believe that their affable mate could be a domestic abuser (or rapist or child abuser for example). They can't believe it. They don't want to.

She's made it abundantly clear that her relationship with her partner, and who he hangs out with, is of paramount importance to her. She's not going to rock the boat. She'd not going to argue with him, she's going to pander to his friendships and disbelieve any inconvenient facts ... Like that his mate is an abuser.

She's a bitch. And she was not truly your friend. She was only friend to your ex partner's woman. Sometimes that's hard to see .. but it certainly became clear when you left him.

But clearly your ex has gotten his narrative out there first.

Maybe, but she also doesn't want to believe op.

That would be inconvenient.

Her man wants to hang out with op's ex. He's mates with op's ex. He wants to have him around and she's not not the balls or integrity to stand up for op, she doesn't want any hassle in her household.

Thanks All. Yes I got help with the domestic abuse recovery, and yes I know it’s going to take a long time to recover. However, my child and I are safer, happier, we are out and about, I’m financially in control of my own life again, I’ve got a promotion at work after many years of stagnation when I was with my abuser, life truly is on the up.

But my ex friendship…….I still struggle with the ghosting. I know if the tables had been turned, I would have moved heaven and earth to support her, I would have listened, opened my home for her safe, and continued the friendship, irrespective of the male friendship.

“ We were friends with another couple, who my ex introduced me too.”
OP the answer is in your sentence above. She was your DH mate before she was yours, possibly as the blokes were pals but non the less she knew him before you did and probably feels a loyalty to him and if he’s not changed in her eyes, she won’t break the friendship.
even if she did support you, that would make her own relationship tricky as her DH and your ex are pals.
Time to move on

But my ex friendship…….I still struggle with the ghosting. I know if the tables had been turned, I would have moved heaven and earth to support her, I would have listened, opened my home for her safe, and continued the friendship, irrespective of the male friendship

You're an exceptional friend and she's a (sadly common) crappy one.

Hope she takes the same line for herself she took with you if she ever gets cheated on or mistreated.

She's a bitch, she's not worth your sadness. Seriously.

Focus your energy on making some friends who are decent.

I just don’t understand why a female friend would do this to their best friend

Change your boundaries. Anybody might, at any time, do something that you don't understand, and you have to accept that, because it's the truth. Life isn't about being able to understand everything all the time. Sometimes we even do things ourselves that we don't understand. You are placing too much stock in the idea that everybody you relate to thinks and feels like you. They don't. They won't. It wouldn't be natural if they did. I would bet that in your abusive relationship, you tried and tried to get your partner to understand your feelings, and it almost always, except for a few lovely moments, fell on deaf ears, or was dismissed?

Stop searching for understanding: search for self sufficiency. Your friend left, and it's not something you can or will understand, but you're going to be ok, because you know how to look after yourself. Your ex was shitty to you and you've split up, but you're going to be ok, because you know how to look after yourself.

How do you look after yourself? What do you do that increases your self respect and self esteem? What do you do that makes you feel good and worthy?