When they talk about your ex and it doesnt quite make sense

[Charlie12023]

So just looking for some advice really, or if anyone has been in this situation before. I was on a date with someone I really liked and we hit it off so so well and on the first date, he mentioned his ex quite a bit, well now and again in terms of her difficult character, how she would put him down, how she behaved, made him feel etc etc she never worked, came from a very well off family so apparently she was very much someone who felt the world owed her....she was a year older than him and as they had been divorced since 2021 I took this as a sign that this was how she was and he just had to be ok with her in relation now with their daughter. He said that was amicable. she is still single, dating a really young man, which he couldnt get his head around and apparently still is and this younger man is married. So I took it that she liked this other man etc.

We were into week 4/5 with dates and still having a lovely time and Im thinking we get on, we have so much in common, which we do, he adores my dog, is very accomodating, to be fair hes just a nice guy, for him to then talk about emotions on one date, saying his ex still sees him as the emotional rock and still asks for his advice, shes the first person to phone him up and ask him about her new job, or an issue or anything really....and he said she will always be like this because of the child too and he was this for her throughout the whole relationship as in her rock. He doesnt expect this to change going forwards it will always be this way???

Now it was at this point, where I thought, hold on I thought you hated her at the start and she was this, she was that, now you are saying you did have a great relationship with her but you just dont love her anymore but you are her emotional rock? I sat there and it just didnt sit there well with me after that to which I thought, could this be a problem? - even though he said he doesnt love her and she doesnt him - but also said if I had this with my ex he is secure in himself enough to not think too much about it and it wouldnt effect him. Im now thinking am I hugely insecure here lol! There were together 20 years and he left in 2021.

Any thoughts anyone, am I over reacting here? As I do really like this guy but Im not liking the whole ex emotional rock for her situation going on 😳

I dont have anything going on with exes or have any children too.

Thanks for reading x

Has there been a date yet where his ex hasnt been mentioned?

Thats a good question, yes there has, which was the last one when we went to the cinema I guess, I dont remember he mentioned her!

I'd end it now. He's not ready for dating

After 20 years of sharing a house, not working, and being generally a person who expects others to do things for her, it would be a surprise if she didn't still try to lean on him.

How he reacts to that is what counts. Some people can simply say no, some feel guilt about leaving and put up with it for a while, and some men feel flattered by the little woman still needing a big strong man to help her.

The first is good, the second will ease over time and the third is just annoying. You just have to work out which it is.

So the only date where she wasn't mentioned, was one where you probably didn't talk much as you were watching a film.
I wouldn't get invested in this relationship tbh, they may have been divorced for 3 years but there's still an emotional connection there. Being a good Co-parent is one thing; being an ex's 'rock' is another. His hero complex will get on the way of your relationship.

No idea what's going to be honest....he may not be over her. He may enjoy the control he still has. Whatever......don't date him though. You just don't talk about ex's on dates except to confirm relationship status. It's giving you the ick for a reason - it's icky!

If they have children together, she will always be there. While it is good that they're amicable and supportive of each other regarding the kids, I would also feel uncomfortable with the "emotional rock" comment. Does that mean that she will expect him to come running to hold her hand every time she needs him? While you two are dating early days, probably not an issue. But further down the line, whose needs will he put first hers or yours? It sounds to me like he's not ready to move on.

He says I am inconsistent as I am always bringing up things in relation to him or bringing things up which then makes me feel insecure, so he is looking for consistency which we are all in relationships but I cant help but keep bring this up about her, to which he says there isnt an issue and I am not secure and all over the place...maybe I am at the moment!

I don't like the emotional rock part either. I remember a man saying this to me about a woman who he then left his partner for... Men aren't exactly renowned for problem solving for others if they don't get something from it, particularly emotional issues. He is enjoying being in her life and acting as if he is stable for her and she wouldn't manage without him. I wonder if she feels the same or if he is deluding himself that he still has a role in her life? If things aren't adding up it is usually because they are not being truthful.

He can't tell you you're 'all over the place ' at this point. He seems to like telling you about your 'faults' does he admit to any ?
If your gut is saying no , stop seeing him.

Oh, so you keep asking about the ex rather than him bringing it up unprompted? That makes things a bit different. You’re dating a divorced man with kids, he comes with baggage.

Either way, it all sounds too much like hard work at this early stage. You don’t sound compatible.

If you need reassurance and he can't give it he doesn't sound like a greatly emotional chap after all, does he?

It isn't surprising you feel this way when they will be in contact for the kids, he needs to recognise his relationships going forward have this as extra baggage on his side, not yours. He needs to adapt and support his partner not gaslight her that she is crazy or insecure.

Going into huge details immediately about exes is a huge red flag for narcism. Sounds like triangulation.

I'd be staying well away from this one.

Also, you can't accuse him of constantly mentioning the ex, if it's you mentioning it! It all sounds very hard work after just a few weeks.

Seems like triangulation to me, maybe he is the insecure one.

He's telling 2 different stories at the same time, they can't both be true; he is making himself look like a hero who can't do wrong.
I think your instinct is telling you right; he is not being truthful, and he is gaslighting you into thinking you are the one with a problem.
When you two eventually split, he'll be talking about you in this way.

You're in qeek 4/5 dates and he is talking like this? Seriously? You're not even in a relationship yet ... its 4 weeks... and he's telling you that you are not secure and "all over the place"... it doesn't sound very good OP. Throw him.back in the sea..... you don't tneed this aggro at this point.

He's gaslighting you, making out that it's you with the problem about it. Being amicable with an ex is fine, being an emotional rock and their go to about everything isn't ok.

This. Give any man who criticises his exes early on a wide berth.

He sounds obsessed with her. He’s basically pre-warning you that she’s still very much in his life and he’ll drop everything to help her - his intention being that you’re not allowed to get upset about this as he’s “been honest” (as a pp said, it’s triangulation- designed to make you feel insecure).
Also you’ve only been dating 4/5 weeks and he’s already criticising you too and has you questioning yourself - too many red flags early on. Trust your gut.

He is still hung up on his ex and now from the picture he's painted of him being her emotional rock so are you! Far too much baggage here OP, l would give this one a swerve if l were you.

The emotional rock but and here he said she will always be like that would put me off as it's like he's saying he would still allow that..even if they do have a kid together I wouldn't be comfortable being with someone like that