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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

If your partner has behaved badly towards you, do you feel the good times with them are tainted by the bad?

22 replies

Rhubardy · 21/04/2024 01:17

If your partner has behaved badly towards you, do you feel the good times with them are tainted by the bad? Or can you put the bad times to one side?

I ask because I'm not sure I particularly enjoy even 'fun' things with my husband anymore.

So for example, we were in a nice restaurant having a good conversation, and he was being nice. Maybe in some ways I enjoyed it - I enjoyed the food and ambience and conversation topic. But when my focus was on him, I couldn't put aside some recent things he's done and said a few days before (e.g. he mocked my salary, and imitated me in an unkind and mocking way).

Have others had similar experiences and feelings?

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 21/04/2024 01:21

Yes

When someone is abusive it poisons the whole relationship.

If you went out for a beautiful meal at a Michelin starred restaurant, but you knew someone had flicked dog shit in the meal, would you enjoy it? Even if the dog shit was only .01% of the ingredients? Of course you wouldn’t.

Your husband sounds mean and contemptuous. Mine was as well, I left him. I’m much happier.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 21/04/2024 01:32

My ex did some horrible things to me. Although we had a lot in common, he had a nasty side. So I'd forgive him because we had shared interests and I liked that about him. But eventually I realised it wasn't getting better and we're now divorcing.

CheekyHobson · 21/04/2024 01:47

Of course it taints the 'good times'. Once you see that a person has a nasty, vicious, contemptuous, dismissive, selfish, arrogant or disgusting side to them, you can't unsee it.

Even when you're sitting in a nice restaurant, eating a delicious meal and he's chatting away about his week at work or a new album he's been listening to, on the inside you know that what you see right now is not always what you get.

It puts you on edge about what might happen when you go home after dinner, or whether the mood might change if you say the wrong thing. You might feel uncomfortable about the cost of what you order if he's been making fun of what you earn. You might simply feel resentful that he can behave nicely in public and horribly behind closed doors.

I spent way too long in a relationship where if I was honest with myself, it was obvious that my partner actually didn't like me all that much, or think all that much of me, or care about my feelings. Of course he SAID he loved me when he was walking out the door to work or after I'd made a nice meal. But when I needed his help, or didn't like the way he was speaking to me, or had a different opinion to him about something he considered himself an expert in, his real view of me became perfectly clear.

In all honesty, your partner mocking you and making fun of you in an unkind way only needs to happen once for you to decide to end the relationship. People who care about each other simply don't do that kind of shit. I didn't even like my ex-partner very much by the end of the relationship, but even then I didn't do anything like that to him, because I'm not abusive.

Leave. It won't get better, as a previous poster astutely said.

Spoonthief · 21/04/2024 04:14

Definitely gives the “ick factor”

Pjmaskmummy · 21/04/2024 04:17

I think it depends if it's a one off being treated badly which has happened to me and didn't taint my whole relationship although it did feel that way for a bit of time.
However if it's repeated bad behaviour then that's definitely going to taint the whole relationship in the long term.

Realdeal1 · 21/04/2024 05:47

I think if they cared about you, they wouldn't be mean like that so yes, I'd be put off. My ex was abusive and regularly had a nastier side. So when he was nice to outsiders or me anytime, I just couldn't forget the bad times.

Summerhillsquare · 21/04/2024 06:04

It's often said that contempt is the relationship killer. He's been contemptuous of you, difficult to row back from that.

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 21/04/2024 06:21

If dh and I have a row we both apologise and let it go but dh isn't nasty during rows.

When I was with my abusive ex he would call me names and threaten me. I remember once he planed a lovely night out - he bought me a nice dress and took me for an expensive meal. I couldn't enjoy it as even the day before he had been horrible to me. I felt awful and ungrateful but now I realise I couldn't switch off the bad things for the occasional good thing.

Op no one should make you feel bad about yourself least of all someone who is supposed to love you.

Needamagicfairy · 21/04/2024 06:32

When exh was nice I was just waiting for the nasty comments or the over reaction to happen so could never enjoy the 'good' times when they did happen. Note he is ex

LightSpeeds · 21/04/2024 07:40

Well, yes the bad times erode the good - because they erode the positive aspects of a relationship (trust, security, respect...).

You might need to give your relationship some more thought as to what's going on, in general, and if it's good for you overall.

unsync · 21/04/2024 08:04

Define 'behaved badly'. There's no excuse for poor behaviour, but a one off from say having a bad day is not the same as persistent belittling, comments, criticisms etc. The former is probably frustration, the latter is abusive. Do you feel it is intentional? Is it damaging your self esteem? Does he get pleasure or satisfaction from it? If you answer yes to any of those, please rethink this relationship.

snakewillow · 21/04/2024 08:30

Yes, the way I explained it to my ex was that each instance of nasty behaviour chipped away a little of my feelings and connection towards him, and eventually left nothing to base our relationship on.

Rhubardy · 21/04/2024 08:47

unsync · 21/04/2024 08:04

Define 'behaved badly'. There's no excuse for poor behaviour, but a one off from say having a bad day is not the same as persistent belittling, comments, criticisms etc. The former is probably frustration, the latter is abusive. Do you feel it is intentional? Is it damaging your self esteem? Does he get pleasure or satisfaction from it? If you answer yes to any of those, please rethink this relationship.

Hi @unsync . By 'behaved badly', I mean that he has been unkind, selfish, bad-tempered and disrespectful. Mocking my salary is just one example of many. He has been like this regularly.

When he's not being like this, he says he loves me and cares about me.

OP posts:
Rhubardy · 21/04/2024 08:49

Thank you everyone for these comments, which are helping me to understand things a bit better....

OP posts:
Farahfawsett · 21/04/2024 08:55

Your feelings towards him are based on the things he does, not the things he says.

So if he punched you in the face, but then said he loved you, you would feel hurt, scared, traumatised, want him to get away from you; you wouldn't feel loved.

It's not what someone says, but how they make you feel which sticks with you and it doesn't sound like this man makes you feel good.

Littlebitpsycho · 21/04/2024 08:57

It sounds strange but in my case it feels like the other way round.

I feel like the bad times "aren't bad enough" because of the good times, if that makes any sense 🤦‍♀️

Dery · 21/04/2024 08:57

“Hi @unsync . By 'behaved badly', I mean that he has been unkind, selfish, bad-tempered and disrespectful. Mocking my salary is just one example of many. He has been like this regularly.

When he's not being like this, he says he loves me and cares about me.”

I’m really struck by what you say in the last sentence above, especially “he says…”. Words are important because, as you’ve shown, they can hurt. But it’s how someone acts that most important. Here it sounds like he says he loves you but he doesn’t really act like he loves you. DH and I can get annoyed and row with each other sometimes and both of us sometimes behave unreasonably. But it doesn’t colour the good times because we treat each other kindly and respectfully the vast majority of the time and the down times are a bit ‘meh’ rather than devastating and distressing.

unsync · 21/04/2024 09:16

You may find that reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do that?' helps you understand his behaviour.

He tells you that he loves and cares for you to keep you in the relationship. If it was always bad, you wouldn't stay would you? It's holding out for the crumbs of (perceived) kindness that keeps you there.

The level of abuse I sustained during my long marriage only really became apparent to me once we had separated. When you are in the relationship, even if you question things, it's not uncommon to normalise the most appalling behaviour, blame yourself for it and try to make things better. It's a horrible cycle of behaviour to be caught in.

Rhubardy · 22/04/2024 12:08

Thanks @Dery . As well as saying nice things, he does also do nice things sometimes. For example, sometimes he'll say 'let's do what you want to do today', and he'll let me choose. But although I say 'that would be great', deep-down I just feel flat.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 22/04/2024 16:48

Yes they absolutely erode the good times. Especially if it happens more than once or twice.

One 'bad' thing can easily undo or taint 20 'good' things.

They don't cancel each other out at all.

CompletelyDifferentGoldSpangles · 22/04/2024 16:57

Personally, I think my ex is the ugliest person in the entire world. If I happen to stumble upon a picture of him, my revulsion towards him is almost physical. I feel like someone trying to eat Bolognese while watching open heart surgery.

This is entirely due to his behaviour towards me.

finallydivorced · 11/07/2024 13:09

Rhubardy · 22/04/2024 12:08

Thanks @Dery . As well as saying nice things, he does also do nice things sometimes. For example, sometimes he'll say 'let's do what you want to do today', and he'll let me choose. But although I say 'that would be great', deep-down I just feel flat.

My ex was exactly the same, for example on the outside everyone thought he was a wonderful husband and father but behind closed doors he would criticise me, tell me to shhh if I didn't agree with him, tell me I didn't support him just because I didn't agree with him. Tell me I was sensitive and I was the problem just because I told him that he spoke to me rudely and it upset me. You saying "he lets you choose" rings a bell with me too. Why should he "let" you do anything, surely you should be able to do what you want.

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