Anyone living apart whilst remaining a couple ? Am i being wishful ?

[Sophie2024]

Long story short..... 4 awful years of DH mental health / verbal abuse / man child / dickhead behaviour / mid life crisis shit , post x-mas id had enough and have now nearly completed on a flat for me and 3 kids to move to. Surprise surprise husband of the year has now appeared and he has taken full accountability and ownership of his behaviour and has genuine regret , hes turned a corner and is kind, respectful and the man i once fell in love with. But......I suspect he wont ever fully see the impact and damage he has coursed to me mentally , despite me being clear how i now feel. Im not sure the abuser is ever able to fully.

So now im nearly ready to move , he has said he respects my decision , he wont discuss it as it upsets him to think of us not being under one roof 7 days a week which i get , and honestly hasnt made me feel guilty for continuing with the purchase.

So my question is , will i screw the kids up by doing this even if i ensure both homes are safe and calm with love and stability , am i being unrealistic ? I dont need to move now hes kind and respectful towards me , but deep down i feel time will be the test if his mental health remains stable. They will remain in there school and continue routine ect as its only a 10 min drive away . Im doing this ( was ) doing this for the right reason for me to live without treading on eggshells and being his emotional punchbag but now , albeit only 2/3 months on from last episode im not sure it necessary as i feel safe and loved and most importantly respected and valued.

I could rent it out yes , or move for a while and have some space whilst remaining a couple / family unit , just between 2 homes. Any advise or experiences of this situation would be very welcome X

It sounds wise to continue with the move, enjoy the calm and see how things are going for a longer time.

Just bumping for you, no personal experience.

Sounds like he’s only interested now that you’re out the door.

I’d keep pushing ahead, he’ll revert to type quick enough.

The likelihood is that "husband of the year" will rapidly vanish and revert, were you to give up your plans.

He's showing you now what your relationship could have been all along, but he chose to abuse you instead, presumably for years. Doesn't that make you angry? That he preferred to harm you than be nice to you, for years, and only now you've nearly escaped will he be decent.

Pfft.

Move out.

If you stay, I think you would look back on this choice and regret not going while you have it all set up.

So he’s emotionally abused you for years and is blaming his mental health? And I’m going to guess he has neglected you and the children for years as well.

PLEASE push on with moving out. The feeling of relief and peace you will feel is priceless.

I wouldn’t remain a couple with him though. He doesn’t deserve you.

I totally agree, the moment you stop your plans to leave Mr Twat-head will be back and this nice husband will be nowhere to be seen. Make the move, enjoy dating him if he can stay Mr nice. You can always love back in a few years if you want to and if he has proved this change is here to stay!

So his claims of mental health issues were complete bullshit and he is now proving his behaviour was his choice all along.

I think your children will be delighted to get away from all that self-indulgent nonsense, and to have a happy relaxed mum.

Don't change your mind. Move and give it a year. I'll bet the farm he starts again with the abuse by Christmas.

Self-centred, manipulative men don't change.

Hi op, I am in the process of doing the same. My DP not really abusive but very grumpy shouty and doesn’t treat me as an equal… so I’m buying a house and moving. DP knows but I don’t think he believes it. I am fully expecting some back peddling when me and the kids actually go. I have decided that I will go regardless but if he goes to therapy alone and then with me I will reconsider. I know in my heart he won’t actually be able to take responsibility and do this… so that will be that…. But a tiny part of me still hopes…so maybe you need a list of the changes you need that you can both agree on and measure change against

so keep us posted OP I am interested in your journey.

good luck and well done for positive action.

This is all part of the pattern of abuse. My counsellor would describe it as a trick.

When my ex realised that I was genuinely going through with leaving him, he became husband of the year for a few weeks. He even said, "I haven't been horrible to you for 6 weeks now, why are you still being awful to me".

That was another nail in the coffin for me. If they are aware of what they can do to be nice, why the hell didn't they do it before.

Google cycle of abuse, and hoovering. Then get out, put strong boundaries in place, and stay out. Good luck.

As pp has said, his change of behaviour means he made an active choice to abuse you. That list of behaviours is unforgivable imo. and you need to heal, you can't do that under one roof and certainly not while in a relationship with him.

also, he WILL revert to type. Abusers don't change that quickly, if at all and definitely not with the person they abused. the dynamic is too ingrained.

the other thing is, he is almost guaranteed to take up with a new woman pretty sharpish, once you move out, so I would end the relationship to prevent the likelihood of being cheated on. Men like him can't be single for long, it gives them too much time to reflect, and they need to a new mum/victim.

We did this about a few years ago. The marital 'relationship' ceased but we have remained friends, which I value. The pure relief of not walking on eggshells any more is priceless. Fundamentally, I don't think people change their core being. He used mental health issues for being emotionally abusive for too long. His verbal batterings and projection were not something I was ever prepared to accept and 'sorry' meant nothing as he would apologise repeatedly and then revert to type within days. I LOVE my emotional freedom now.

He's seeing his great life walk out the door of course he's now trying to back pedal.

If I were you I'd continue with the property purchase and move. By all means date him from afar if that's what you want.

I'd be surprised if he fundamentally changed while living apart (he's currently trying to reel you back in) so it would be good for you to keep hold of that flat.

So he can stop being abusive if he chooses to?

Which means he chose to be abusive to you for all these years.

What a nasty piece of work!

Leave, shut the door behind you and do not entertain the idea of a relationship with someone who has ZERO respect for you.

My instinct says you should move on. He won't have changed his entire personality in a few months. If you cancel your move now, or start seeing him again, imagine how powerful that makes him (he will feel that power). You deserve better. Your freedom is so valuable 💗

Thank you for your words of encouragement , i know this is the right thing to do , feels like this is his consequence for behaving poorly towards me for years , i think thats whats niggling me , im not trying to give him a punishment which is why i feel guilty and bad, but i know i shouldnt feel guilty ( my therapist is helping me stop this self doubt issue )

I want to feel confident in my decisions looking forward. But for so long iv needed his approval for everything because its easier and wont trigger his behaviour towards me , this i need to stop but its ingrained in my day to day decision making , i dont want to feel judged by him , i know my self esteem and confidence needs building back up and im working on this bit by bit.

Is this common to feel like this ? Am i doing right by kids moving them ?

This is so true , i can only see it now the fog has lifted , now i always try and think what would i tell a friend if this was happening to them , and listen to my advice and stop blaming MH , Thank you @MrJollyLivesNextDoor

@abracadabra1980 did you exDH change before you left ? How long did you live like that if you dont mind sharing your experience ?

Your right the 'sorry' means nothing to me either , ive lost count of the number of hes made me feel stupid , he can be very superior and entitled in his manner and soooo judgemental towards people , as his way is the right way in his opinion 🙄

He needs a hell of a lot longer than six weeks to prove that he has changed for good. Please move out and continue with your plans. Once you aren’t living together you will be able to gauge just how serious is is about making it up to you and being a changed man for good.

Your children will thank you. They will learn that you strand up for yourself when you are being treated badly. They will learn that actions have consequences. They will grow up in a peaceful home with a Mum who loves them.

PLEASE do not be me...I was you, put my exH out the house and he did this Superman impression so we got back together. Within 3 months he was back to his old shitty self and the next 5 years were hellish, my kids are damaged, life is on hold trying to divorce and unpick it all...he is acting well but they can't keep it up. He's shown you how it really is. Continue with the move and the separation and go find happiness. This man is pulling the wool over your eyes please don't waste your precious years

Bet me too it......and said it better than I was going to.

No one has a crystal ball. You do know how the past has been. You know that the past hasn't been right for you, your kids or if we are being charitable by agreeing it was a mental health issue your husband. You will have the space to be you, your children will not be living in a toxic environment and (if true) your husband can concentrate on his recovery.

We are here to hold your hand during this brave step

I didn't leave (my house bought before the marriage-he moved in with me). We muddled along for a few years but the conflict between us was unmanageable and he left after one patch of non stop conflict. No joint finances, no kids together, so nothing to sort, really. I wouldn't say he was superior or entitled, more just carrying on the abusive traits I realised had been set in stone by his father. We are often a product of our environment and he certainly was, although his mother was an extremely decent person. He was possibly suffering from EDD. Rejection or perceived rejection was his No 1. trigger, and the outbursts of aggression when he thought this was happening were extreme. He did love me, and did try to rectify the problems he had, acknowledging they were dreadful and trying to get help, but ultimately all help failed and I wasn't prepared for my children to live in that kind of environment BUT (this is the clincher), he managed to be in control the disgusting behaviour whenever the kids were around. This showed me that he COULD control it, he just chose not to. I'm nobody's fool and nobody's battering ram. When happy, he is a very engaging person (dangerous really in that respect as he's great company), but in the end that was no leveller for the abusive side of him. I knew he had MH issues as we were old friends to begin with, but did not realise how extreme they were. We remain friends now, but I'm never living with another man again. I've spent too many years of my life trying to 'help' partners with abusive traits. They never change.

MH issues don't make you an asshole. Being an asshole makes you an asshole. And I have had MH problems big time.