Friendship ended over stalker

[thewinterqueen]

Hey lovely people.

I’m in a bit of a predicament. Does anyone else feel like they attract toxic people? I have had to cut off members of my family due to being mistreated as a child, and their constant manipulation of me.

I have/had a very good friend who had been through similar. She met a guy last November who she moved in within 2 weeks. He lied about having a job and a house, and then I caught him being particularly vile towards her when she hadn’t gotten home on time (this is a 50year old woman.) Anyway, I told her over the phone that I wasn’t happy with how he’d spoken to her, and that there were a lot of red flags there, so I was worried. I felt that he had the potential to be abusive, because her daughter had confided in me that he’d put a tracker on her phone too :/ Unbeknownst to me, my friend had put me on speakerphone in front of him, and he started shouting at me. I put the phone down.

My friend is still with the guy, and wants me to come to their wedding next month. I don’t want to go, although there is a part of me that worries that I’m being over sensitive because of my past and sensitivity to toxic/abusive situations. Would you go to the wedding? Also, I’ve noticed that he is stalking my social media and reporting things back to her when she doesn’t use social media at all. I’ve blocked him on everything, but he keeps popping up again 😐 with new profiles.

Anyway, I suffer from a chronic illness and I’d put up a post talking about how I was struggling quite a lot one day. My friend called me and left a voicemail, stating that ‘her and her partner’ were always there for me, and that they were worried about my mental state. This is gaslighting, right? I don’t even speak to my friend anymore. I avoid her calls and messages, so it’s all very bizarre.

Any advice would be appreciated. I worry that I attract toxic people into my life without realising. I also don’t know what to do about the friendship. We used to be very close, but from the moment she met him, she hasn’t given a damn about me. She knew I was in hospital all over Christmas but did not once bother to check if I was alright. She has changed so much, and I don’t get it. x

She is very foolish to move in with this guy after 2 weeks and accepting his coercive control.

I would put boundaries in place, as this guy probably would try to bring you into the arc using friendship / loneliness as a bait.

Relationship doesn’t sound good and you are right to be worried about his behaviour .

i lost a good friends friendship due to a man like this, manipulative, coercive and aggressive, she even fell out with her sister due to him as he created so much hassle . She’s still with him but I’ve heard the relationship is still the same.

Yeah he's controlling, manipulative, abusive and creepy. Don't go to the wedding OP he will make you so uncomfortable it will be hell. The fact your friend's daughter has her own suspicions of him shows you aren't alone in your thoughts he has so many red flags I wouldn't be surprised if he has a history of this behaviour. Your friend will regret marrying him I feel sorry for her she has no idea what he has in store for her. He will destroy every relationship she has with people, friends, family and her daughter until she is completely isolated and has no one to turn to for help because he has manipulated her into withdrawing or outright destroys them with his vindictive and abusive behaviour.

You won't convince her to run a mile from him he will twist it and say you're jealous, bitter and hateful of what they have. Make a Clare's Law application to the police and tell them about him cyber stalking you. The police won't disclose anything to you unless you're seen as at risk but they will have a word with your friend about him if he does as I suspect have a history of this behaviour his type normally do.

Don't go to the wedding. What purpose would it serve, weddings are supposed to be about celebrating a relationship. You certainly wouldn't be there to celebrate.

As for him stalking you, set all your sm profiles to private so he can't stalk you.

I'd dial back on the friendship, tell her you'll always be there for her then leave it at that.

The mh comment is designed to bait you, reel you back in. Just ignore and don't each

Agree that going to the wedding is a bad idea. Why would you want to anyway? You hate him and are not happy with her so attending would be disingenuous.

I'd think about unfriending on SM and staying away for a while.

Not sure where you got the 'stalker' from, though. Do you mean just because you think he's looked at your SM profiles?

He's bad news. Don't go to the wedding whatever you do. Ignore everything he does but keep evidence in case you need it.
She might need you when it goes tits up. She knows where you are.
But protect yourself. You've done your best OP.

Thank you all so much for your answers. I was originally asked to be her bridesmaid, but I said that it was too much pressure for me with my chronic illness. I agree that I shouldn't go to the wedding though. I was just torn between going to show my support to her, and show her that I'm there for her, if that makes sense?

I got the term 'stalkerish' from the fact that he put a tracker on my friend's phone, and how he is always checking out my social media. I run a Tiktok for raising awareness for chronic illness survivors, and it is constantly popping up with notifications about him being on it. When I origianlly removed him from facebook, he noticed within 5 minutes and I got a really horrible call from my friend, demanding to know why I'd removed him,because he wanted to be my friend. I removed him because he was vile to her and me. He created a new profile on instagram when I blocked him on there too. It's very pecular behaviour.

Tbh I think I'd be asking the police if they'd have a word with them. They're both being creepy fuckers.

Obviously don't go to the wedding.
She's not your friend anymore. She's his puppet.

I'd at least be giving it 'I don't want to be his fucking friend! Your boyfriend is a nutter and I'd like you both to stay the hell away from me now or I'll report to the police for harassment'. In written form so you can show to the police that you've told her to sod off if they keep harassing you.

I definitely feel like she isn't my friend anymore, but I also worry that she's going to get really hurt. I can't help but feel like she is a victim, if that makes sense? Despite her awful treatment of me. I also don't want him to succeed in totally isolating her, which is clearly the mission.

I did apply for Clare's Law but don't know if they found anything. They would only contact her if they did, and she would be unlikely to tell me x

Wow! Sorry, OP I didn't get that from your first post.

I don't blame you at all for holding him (and her) at arms length. He clearly expects people to put up with his abuse and doesn't take it well when confronted about his behaviour.

That's not someone you want in your life.

It's a shame that this means distancing from DF for a while but she is clearly incapable of not passing on your concerns to him or stopping him from being abusive to you.

It seems like she's heading into a period of her life that it highly likely to be pretty awful, unfortunately. You can't save her from that, as much as I'm sure you'd like to.

Focus on your health, OP.

Its natural to worry about how this will end for your friend, but your first responsibility is to yourself. You have already left one abusive situation and have the right to not get dragged into another.
This friendship has run its course. You can see the situation clearly for what it is, and you don't want to be involved in the drama.
I agree with the suggestion made by Pinkbonbon, to draw a line under the friendship and make it clear that any further contact is harassment.

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the advice. I just hate that she cannot see what everyone else can. I have already taken a big step backwards and put in a boundary, because it was starting to really get to me. I have seen coercive control so many times, and my friend was in an abusive relationship previously too. It's so worrying, but you're all right, I can't do anything but take a step back x

I wouldn't.
I would tell her that I stand by my opinion and cannot in good conscience attend her wedding but if she needs my help in the future, my door will always be open for her.

Besides, if you go you just know this man is likely to be foul to you

I’m in a similar position with my oldest friend who has very recently married a man who everyone believes is Prince Charming but I know is a wrong’un. I haven’t heard from her in six months. It’s very sad but I won’t keep chasing her, though she knows where I am if she needs me.

I don’t believe that you attract toxic people, OP. I think you’re just good at spotting them.

The thing is though, it's crossed the line from him abusing her and you trying to be her shoulder, to her facilitating him (and even joining him) in abusing you. So it's time to step back from the 'friend'.

So I don't think for me, even if she left him now, the friendship is something worth saving.

You've behaved in all good conscience. The Claires law move was good of you. But it's time to protect YOU now.

I agree entirely. I was thinking about this yesterday. The friendship was broken from the moment she lied to me about being on speakerphone, and allowed him to abuse me, then defended him. The sad thing is our friendship used to be so strong. She met him in November, and literally stopped contacting me. I was in hospital for most of December, and I didn't hear from her once. When she did eventually make contact, and I said I was upset because I'd really needed a friend during that time, she laughed it off and said she'd been off shagging this new guy. She seemed to think it was funny. I have kind of grieved the friendship already, if Im honest. x