Do I go back to him, even though he keeps letting me down?

[Pleasehelpmestaystrong]

I've been in a relationship for 16 months. We met on line and things very rapidly became full on, the sex was incredible and we talked about our future together.

The thing is he keeps letting me down. We make plans and he arranges something else by mistake because he forgets the date, or doesn't book the time off work. I have ended things with him twice because I can't deal with the hurt it causes me but always miss him (and the sex) so much that I go back to him.
He did it again this week - planned something for a weekend in May that we already had something booked in.

I have explained to him before that this upsets me, how he can avoid letting me down, but he doesn't seem to have learnt so I have ended it again.

He's said sorry in a message in a half arsed way but he is not fighting for me, trying to make it better, or rearranging his new plans.

I think that he would continue to do this in the future when we lived together, so I'm trying very hard to stay away. I know I have to raise the bar (to use MN speak), but I miss him horribly. If I relented and went back to him, I assume he would welcome me back into his life and his bed and continue to keep letting me down.

Can you wise folks of MN please either help me to stay away from him or tell me if I'm doing the right thing, because I'm finding it so very difficult.

Feeling like a flipping love sick teen but I'm in my 50s it seems so pathetic.

Oh and one thing he did say just at the end of our argument, is that he's shut down and buries any feelings.

It's not pathetic to miss him and the sex 😀

BUT you know you're doing the right thing. If you stay with him he'll have even less respect for you and treat you the same if not worse.

Pick yourself up, stand tall and stay strong. You are worth being treated with respect and consideration.

Why am I not surprised it's another man in his 50s or over?
Throw him back. I hate being single but it's better than putting up with this type of shit.

This is a short relationship and you have already ended it twice. I think that tells you all you need to know. It is not a goer. You need to move on.

I guess you have to ask yourself if being with him is worth a lifetime of getting let down and feeling the way you feel when he shows you you don't matter enough to not let you down.

Only you can decide if that's a price you are willing to pay.

Just don't go back and be surprised it keeps happening.

I’ve had similar gave him a second chance in the hope it would improve but it didn’t. I think some men are too old to change. You’ve given him enough chances.

Sorry I posted on the wrong thread!

I was meant to say is this really what you want for the rest of your life? x

Could you be fwb if the sex is that good and keep on the lookout for someone more suited to a relationship if that's what you really want longterm?

It's clear why this man is single, and it's clear how little regard he has for you.

If you want to burden your life with a man who doesn't care about hurting your feelings, then have it.

Sorry OP but he’s not double booking and letting you down by mistake, he’s just not bothered enough and he’s telling you his needs are far more important than yours.

It won’t change. He's selfish and thoughtless. Having an on/off relationship just for the sex isn’t worth the drama - I’ve been there and I look back now and think wtf was I doing?

He won’t change. They never do at that age. If you don’t want to be constantly let down, then you will need to end it or as someone else said above, detach your feelings and just have him as a fwb with no other expectations. It may be too far down the line for you feelings wise though.

You have also given him the green light to keep treating you like a second thought as you keep going back. Effectively rewarding bad behaviour.

I would say he's not that into the relationship as you are, a future faker to keep you hooked, his priorities are not you, the more chances you give, the longer you keep getting let down and hurt. I would move on.

Oh I wish he read could read this thread. I don't think he quite realised what a big deal it was.
Thank you so much everyone.

On the positive side, I've completely lost my appetite, even chocolate hasn't been touched for 3 days. There will be more positives, there will....

It wouldn’t matter if he did read the thread, he doesn’t care, you just haven’t realised that yet or you’re in denial about it. His not double booking by accident, he just doesn’t care but is keeping you on the hook so won’t admit it.

If you really wanted to do something with someone then it would happen.

He sees you as a side note - that he can pick and choose.

Don’t be second best.

He's proven himself to be a selfish and arrogant partner several times previously, yet you still gave him more 'chances'.

If you were 'important' to him, your plans with him would be remembered.

If he really was just a bit incompetent at remembering existing plans, he'd instantly rearrange his 'new' plans once he realized he'd made a mistake, because he'd WANT to keep his existing plans with you.

Yet he does neither of these things, because he simply doesn't give a shit about upsetting you, he only cares about himself. You're simply a 'place card' he keeps around for when he hasn't has any 'better' offers to fill his time.

Even when he's let you down and upset you, he's either happy to take the chance that you'll dump him for it, and that's because he doesn't really care that much, or he's totally secure in the knowledge that he just needs to throw an 'I'm sorry' your way and you'll forgive and forget AGAIN.

Sorry OP, but he's 'shown' you who he is and what his priorities are, so you need to believe it and dump him.

I am reading these and thinking that this can't be the man that I fell in love with. He did such lovely caring things for me and not just the sex part of it. I just thought he was disorganised the first time he did it. The things that he double books me with, are invariable with his grown up daughters. Surely he just needs to use a calender?

See what my mind it doing to me. FFS.

I think that some men of this age group seem to think that the world revolves around them and their needs. Your supposed to be in a relationship and having sex with him.
When you tell him that you want to do something a particular day or weekend he totally forgets this and makes his own plans.
Then you have to suit him yet again. The truth is that you have suited him long enough. I would prefer to be on my own than dealing with a selfish man like this. Down the line as he either ages or gets into bad health he would expect you to look after him.
You vdid the right thing in binning him.

@Autumntimeagain it looks like it doesn't it. Ouch

It's good that he prioritises his kids but he's made that decision and at this age probably won't budge.
His priority list goes:
Him first, then his daughters (or vice versa) and you're always going to be way down the list. That's they way he's got it framed in his head.
Men like this who have been in marriages tend to be done with putting the needs of another partner first. Remember that's either why they left their marriage or why another woman (ex wife) got rid of them.

@Lookingforunicorns his ex wife had an affair which is why his marriage ended. He had been single for a long time when we met basically because he hadn't really wanted to meet anyone else.

Op I had one like that
He was gorgeous and the sex was amazing
But he clearly didn't see me as a priority
He had been single for 4 years even though he was conventionally very attractive , no baggage, big house , good job . But it soon became apparent why noone else had stuck around and neither did I

Thanks @solice84

I just burst into tears because I saw someone that looked a bit like him. Bloody ridiculous. I hope I can get a grip soon. I'm away next weekend. He was supposed to be there with me. I have to go anyway but that's going to be tough.

This.

You're an option, don't be.