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Relationships

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Original poster

Was I unreasonable not to go

23 replies

Puminu · 19/04/2024 22:49

This is sort of a aibu but I'm not sure if I am. My dh father is very ill in hospital and we live 4 hours away. Dh mum passed away and it's only him and his brother left, he's staying at his. We have a young dc preschool age.

Dh has gone down to be with him, was I bu not to want to go and be with them? I told a friend and they seemed quite shocked I stayed home

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2024 22:50

Is there someone who could've looked after your child?

Original poster

Puminu · 19/04/2024 22:51

They are too young to leave, I'd have brought them with us if I went

OP posts:

WaitingForMojo · 19/04/2024 22:53

I wouldn’t have expected you to go

Dillydollydingdong · 19/04/2024 22:53

No, of course you were'nt BU. What exactly would you be able to do, except get in the way?

Shouldbedoing · 19/04/2024 22:53

It makes sense to stay home with a small child. The brothers have each other for support. It's no place for a child.

Original poster

Puminu · 19/04/2024 22:54

Sorry, I should have said, he's been gone for a week so far

Support for him?

OP posts:

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 19/04/2024 22:56

Could you go over the weekend and come back?

mdinbc · 19/04/2024 22:57

I would think it depends on the circumstances. If your FIL is near death, your DH might want you for emotional support. If he is in hospital for perhaps an extended period of time, then you might just be extras that are not needed, if you know what I mean.

Is your DH staying at his father's house, looking after the house, etc.? Is the FIL expected to come home and need aftercare?

Don't go just because you were made to feel guilty by someone else, but do go if you feel you can be helpful in the situation.

MalibuBarbieDreamHouse · 19/04/2024 22:58

Definitely not an easy decision to make, you have to do what’s right for your family.

When we went through similar, we all went up with DD who was 18 months, I thought I’d made a big mistake not leaving her with someone, but I made the split second decision to just be with him, so she came and looking back she was just a welcome distraction for everyone. When it all got too much, DH took her out to the park etc

Original poster

Puminu · 19/04/2024 23:03

I feel bad saying it but I just don't particularly want to go. I get on OK with his family but we aren't close close. He said he was fine going alone but my friend seemed shocked we weren't bothered about being separated indefinitely... Is that really bad?

He's staying at his brothers for the op who asked. Not entirely sure on the outcome as dh isnt talking much and is quite closed off

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/04/2024 23:04

How often are you talking to your husband? Does he feel you are supportive?

mrsfollowill · 19/04/2024 23:07

When my dad was dying I went alone to be with my sister and mum and the 3 of us supported each other. I felt better about it as I knew 2 yr old DS was at home with DH (and MIL) . I could focus just on dad and not concern myself with anything else. I was away from home for a week sorting out the funeral etc. My sisters DH looked after their DC. It's what feels right for you as a family. If your DH wants you there for support be ready to go but otherwise he may just be glad you are keeping things going at home and he can devote time to his DF.

Original poster

Puminu · 19/04/2024 23:09

mrsfollowill · 19/04/2024 23:07

I'm sorry for your loss. How long were you gone in total?

OP posts:

Runnerinthenight · 19/04/2024 23:13

Do whatever both of you want. Ask your DH what he wants.

When MIL was dying, my DH and SIL were the ones to be with her. I had work, the kids had school, and I don't think they wanted anyone outside of their blood family unit.

When my mum was dying, I drove 140 miles a day to be by her bedside. DH didn't come, because the kids needed someone here. I didn't really want him there - it felt more appropriate to be with my siblings. DH got on with my parents so it wasn't that. He did bring our elder two children to say goodbye a couple of days before she died.

Your friend doesn't know what she's talking about.

greengreyblue · 19/04/2024 23:13

You’re fine as you are. Trust your own instincts. Only you know the relationship. No point being down there for weeks. If he needs you he can call and you can go if anything changes. He can dedicate his time to his father.

Houndaround · 19/04/2024 23:16

It would've added extra complications with a young child in tow and the change in routine may have added unnecessary stress, so to me it makes sense to stay home . It's not like your DH doesn't have the option to speak to you for support & they also have their brother around.

mrsfollowill · 19/04/2024 23:18

@Puminu - it was 20 yrs ago - my DS is nearly 22 these days but I remember it well. I was gone for 7 days- then back at home for a week then I returned for the funeral and stayed a couple more days. Mum moved near me and my sister within 18 months- they were only living around 100 miles from me at the time.
I felt better knowing DS was in his normal routine with his dad - MIL was great- it was just I could shove 'home life' to one side and focus on dad.
He knew and we knew he was dying- he was nursed at home by Macmillan nurses and actually died the one time we all left the room. Was peaceful but he was only early 60s.

Original poster

Puminu · 19/04/2024 23:21

I feel a little better, thanks

I felt a little put out he didn't want me there and wasn't bothered about not seeing us for weeks tbh. That combined with me not really wanting to go and my friends shock made me question how bad things really were in our relationship

OP posts:

K8ate · 20/04/2024 11:12

It really depends on your reasons not to go.
Having a small child to look after is a perfectly understandable reason to stay at home.
If it’s simply an excuse reason, then you probably are being unreasonable.

Original poster

Puminu · 20/04/2024 13:09

As I said above, he didn't want me to and I didn't really want to either as I'm not an outwardly emotional person. He thinks hell be nearer 3 weeks away... Is that a sign he's not bothered about being with us?

OP posts:

TakeOnFlea · 20/04/2024 13:15

For goodness sake, you can't use the time of his fathers serious illness to judge whether he's bothered about you or not.

What exactly are you going to do? Confront him and say he neglected you and didn't seem arsed about you when his father was (I presume) near death? Pick a better time to discuss your relationship.

Original poster

Puminu · 20/04/2024 13:26

Er, you could be a bit nicer. There's no need to be so rude and I never said I was discussing it with him. I was discussing my feelings here... On a discussion board

OP posts:

obsessedwithfreshbread · 20/04/2024 13:36

When my DM was dying I was up there for around 6 weeks, my dh came up for 3 of the weekends and then again for 4 days for the funeral.
His support was important to me, we went for dinner etc which gave me a chance to breathe and not think about what was happening.
He adored her too so was an easy decision for him so it is slightly different than your case we have DSC 50/50 which is why he couldn't come up more

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