Death of abusive parent -TW

[nowakeorwake]

'D'F just died and there will be a memorial wake and I don't know what to do. I am a survivor of CSA and none of my family know apart from DM.

I don't know if I can suck it up and pretend for 2 hours. I don't want to go but it feels impossible not to without questions and I don't want anyone to know.

I am hoping others might have some wise advice.... thx in advance

Don't go. Your sanity comes first.

Don’t go, fake an illness if you don’t want to have to explain yourself.
I am so sorry that happened to you xxxxx

I'm so sorry. This must be so hard for you. If you don't want to go, don't.

Didn't you test positive for Covid on the morning of the memorial? It would be terribly selfish of you to put the mourners at risk of infection wouldn't it?

I think the Doctor just highly advised you to not go due to your distress (that he was an abusive evil man) and so you weren’t well enough to attend the wake.

also don’t feel you have to hide his guilt, it isn’t yours to carry. I’m so sorry this happened to you

Thanks for your replies. If it was someone else I would say 'don't go' too but it all seems much more complicated when it's yourself.

My DH knows but teenage DC don't know anything so I would have to lie to them if I said I was ill and I feel uncomfortable telling them untruths.

It's such a mess. I've been feeling better as 'D'F was in a nursing home and too far away to visit so I had managed to put some distance mentally from it, but now the feelings are coming back

Lying to DC is uncomfortable but in this instance I think it's entirely justified. Put your needs first here. Treat yourself as you would a dear friend; with compassion and kindness.

Put yourself first and don't go.

Tell everyone you're not well (make up something and say you tested positive for bird flu or covid etc).

I came to share the same idea. Covid is a bitch and surely noone wants to catch it? People will understand you don't want to risk anyone's health. Terrible timing though. But I agree OP, your sanity comes first.

i would regret it more if i did go than if i didn't. i wouldn't want to be in any space with an abuser, dead or alive.

put yourself first.

This - just tell everyone you are too unwell and distressed to go. Ask you DH to pass it on and believe me when I say you won’t regret it.

I'm so sorry about what you've been through and I understand how you feel OP. Wouldn't it be some kind of closure for you if you went? I'm not being flippant or dismissive about your feelings at all, I'm just thinking of my own similar experience. I felt much better walking away from there knowing they'd gone for good! Whatever you choose to do, do it for yourself and your own peace of mind. Wishing you luck and strength, look after yourself and your family, because that's what matters at the end of the day🌷

Thanks again for everyone replying. I really feel I have to go and I hadn't thought about closure but I think that might be helpful so I will think a bit more about that

I had a similar problem when my parent died. He was a very abusive man, although not to the same degree as yours was.
I went to the funeral and seethed all the way through. It was awful to hear everyone waxing lyrical about him.

I struggled so much afterwards, even went to see a psychotherapist. Over the years I’ve worked through those feeling, and would even say I’ve come to a place of forgiveness in my own way. Now, I am glad I went to the funeral, it set me on the path for healing.

Whatever you do @nowakeorwake be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve for the father you never had.

Don’t go. If anyone asks why just say you will grieve in you own way.

I wouldn’t go. You really don’t owe anyone anything and you don’t have to explain.

My mum died in 2019 and as her only child I chose to give her a direct cremation, no wake or funeral at all which everyone was horrified by as no one knew the awful person she truly was and then I scattered her ashes in a nearby pond. It actually gave me great satisfaction being able to do that and have some control when I’d never had any as a child.

Hi op I’m so sorry for what you have been through.

My ‘D’f died recently and he was abusive, not CAS but DV and a total narcissist. So, I realise your circumstances are more extreme.
I went to the funeral. I did feel sick throughout it if I’m honest. I hated hearing strangers sing his praises and I’m still not sure if I made the right choice to go … but if I didn’t go, I’d probably have the same doubt.
I went for closure! I haven’t got that yet, but it’s early days.
Do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong here. There are no rules.

I wish you all the best, please be kind to yourself…. As other pp said…. Covid is a great excuse to get out of it if you need to 💕

I am considering the covid option more seriously as it won't upset anyone and also allows me to stay whole. I think I have closure but feel the memorial/ wake will just open everything up and im scared of spiralling back into depression. It's scared me how awful I've felt even contemplating going...

Thanks to everyone for their posts as it's really helpful to get other perspectives and helps me work out what to do

If you get COVID, would your DH and the kids still expect to go?

If you had to make the decision this evening what would you do? Maybe live with that for a couple of days to see how it fits, then maybe try out the opposite decision for a couple of days. Then you know which feels better.

You can get closure some other way. 2 hours hearing what an all round great guy he was is not going to be the way.

This! I tried getting closure by helping organise the funeral and going to it (sat down the back )..It was torture listening to people speak of what great man he was and how many people he helped. I felt physically sick.?Maybe in time, I’ll get closure but going the funeral didn’t bring it,
I suppose, if I didn’t go, I’d be left wondering if it could have helped, now I left wondering if I would have been better off not going…. It’s a no win situation if you ask me, so do what feels right for you❤️

Don’t go. Put yourself first. He’s clearly hurt you enough, why put yourself through even more distress? Agree with others, fake illness if you don’t want people to question your absence, but just don’t go for appearances sake.