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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Living with hypocrisy

15 replies

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 19:08

How do people survive when their other half is a hypocrite who rules the family by fear and a general theme of do as I say not as I do?

mine is constantly calling out me and the kids on things that she constantly does herself.

im the one who provides financially and also works full time but also the one who does 99% of bedtimes, playtimes, food shopping cooking etc.

if I moan I get told im gaslighting and that anytime I do moan I get told “you don’t have to stay here”…as in this house that you pay the bills for and spend any free time diying isn’t yours.

when I speak to other people that know her they say the same as me. Its like living with a split personality a lot of the time only the way she comes across is selfish and does what she wants to do when she wants to do it.

i look at my relationship from the perspective of if I was looking at a friends….id tell them get out quick….as I see a lot of advice on MN, it’s very black and white advice when we all know life isn’t all black and white.

just wondering if anyone has advice on how to deal with such a partner that takes takes takes but rarely gives and emotionally abuses you every time you try and speak up

OP posts:

category12 · 19/04/2024 19:11

If you're being emotionally abused, you need to end the relationship.

Greywitch2 · 19/04/2024 19:12

I'd file for divorce, frankly. It sounds miserable and as though you loathe her.

Pinkbonbon · 19/04/2024 19:27

Well I'm sure you'd tell a friend to leave right?
At least love yourself as much as you would a friend.

What you're really asking is, 'how can I continue to sweep this under the carpet and tolerate abuse?'

Thats the wrong question to ask.

If you stay, your children will likely go on to date abusers...and stay. Because its all they know. Their mum was abusive and their dad (?) stayed and took it. So these relationships must be normal.

Ask yourself instead - what steps do I need to take to leave my abuser?

Growing a 'tougher skin' doesn't mean you are no longer being abused. Stop telling yourself to be a martyr. Tell yourself to be brave and get out instead.

Original poster

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 19:28

Greywitch2 · 19/04/2024 19:12

I'd file for divorce, frankly. It sounds miserable and as though you loathe her.

I do find myself in that scenario then occasionally every once in a while things are as they should be, very briefly. But then time flies and you realise you’ve been going through this cycle for years

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:03

What you’ve described there in your post of 19.28 is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You have a choice re this person, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Original poster

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 21:19

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:03

What you’ve described there in your post of 19.28 is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You have a choice re this person, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

How to financially be able….easy if I say this month, you are paying the bills, I just need somewhere but I live in a place where rent nor places are available. Also the times I’ve agreed to leave before I’ve been met with a barrage of abuse and guilt tripping to find my way back again.

I agree it’s no example to set but how to get out when I have no friends and family are 6hrs away

OP posts:

Original poster

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 21:21

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:03

What you’ve described there in your post of 19.28 is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one.

You have a choice re this person, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Also to note one of the kids that live at home is mine and she is my number one priority, I will not leave her and jump ship to save myself, it will be a grab and go excersise

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:33

You cannot leave her to be abused by this other parent so you will indeed need to leave together. Do not further teach your daughter that you being abused becomes her norm for relationship modelling, make her and yourself indeed your number 1 priority.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:36

Seek legal advice re all aspects of divorce, you are not as trapped as you think you are. Men are indeed abused in relationships too and if you are male I would urge you to contact this organisation https://mankind.org.uk/

ManKind Initiative

Charity supporting male victims of domestic abuse through a helpline, directory of local services and general information on the website.

https://mankind.org.uk/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:38

How it is come about that you are 6 hours away from family and friends?

Isolating from family and friends is also a tactic abusers use against their chosen target.

Springtoit · 19/04/2024 21:40

As OP is the one providing financially in the relationship, his other half will be the sahm/primary carer of the children. Unlikely therefore @SillyExpert you can just waltz off with your DC.

How old are the children?

uhOhOP · 19/04/2024 21:46

Greywitch2 · 19/04/2024 19:12

I'd file for divorce, frankly. It sounds miserable and as though you loathe her.

Absolutely does not sound as though OP loathes the person. Surely the OP was just a description of the behaviours of the other person?

Original poster

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 21:47

Springtoit · 19/04/2024 21:40

As OP is the one providing financially in the relationship, his other half will be the sahm/primary carer of the children. Unlikely therefore @SillyExpert you can just waltz off with your DC.

How old are the children?

I provide financially and primarily care. The OH puts the youngest to bed once a mo th, spends approx a few hrs with the kids each month.

im not saying im gonna do a runner in the middle of the night but i had a convo with the wife, when i took her away for her last birthday , nothing I get but hey, and i said if we split up what happens….and she stated i would take the hardest work e.g the youngest.

when we first got together her sister told me that she actually raised the first child as OH couldn’t. Through 3 different dads and 5 kids ….i begin to see that not all one party says is the truth

OP posts:

Original poster

SillyExpert · 19/04/2024 21:54

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2024 21:38

How it is come about that you are 6 hours away from family and friends?

Isolating from family and friends is also a tactic abusers use against their chosen target.

Just geographically RE family.

Friends…well all fell by the wayside via lockdown, oh’s shifts that mean my weekends are also taken up with childcare means there is no time for socialising

i feel as though im a single parent in a marriage

OP posts:

Radiohat · 19/04/2024 22:19

It sound isolating and extremely horrible . It is not easy in your situation...... maybe try collating some evidence that you can use if/ when you decide to split. It is difficult when in this situation and difficult to find an escape but you sound like you have had enough.

I hope that you can find some support..... would it be possible to contact friends from before the covid madness?

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