My husband never criticises me and I need some perspective

[MischiefManager]

So very outing but relevant background I am mum to two girls, both neurodiverse. The youngest I adopted as a single adopter and had very complex social and emotional needs and requires a huge amount of 121 support from me. I married my husband while she was still very young and extent of support needs were not known. He does not have a dad relationship with her more of a friend of that makes sense. Parenting is my domain. He works full time. I stay at home and usually do all the other house stuff plus any exercise and very occasional visits to family members while she is there because I have no other opportunity. In an evening he cooks most days because that is difficult for me to do with my daughter around. When I can I prep meals during the day but he enjoys cooking and says he is happy to do it. He will sort washing and tidy round at the end of a day. I am not suggesting he is lazy.

My husband is extremely loving and affectionate towards me and only ever has positive things to say. Due to extreme parenting stress and several personal traumas that have happened in the last few years I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and have stated explicitly that I am struggling and that while parenting can only ever fall to me I need him to take more of the mental load with regards to running the house. It’s not so much the doing of things but the mental capacity to organise things that is too much right now. I have been clear about that. I also know I am snappy, exhausted, over emotional and cannot be easy to live with.

Yet again I do not feel heard. I want to raise things with him but because he never ever does the same, even when invited to, I feel like I am just moaning on at him again. I have no friends to talk this over with to gain perspective so I’m wondering firstly how to keep raising things when it’s so one sided all the time and I feel like the villain and secondly are my points valid or is this the poor mental health and lack of perspective talking?

The things I want to raise are…

1. I asked him to sort the rubbish pile that has been sat in the garden forever and I would arrange for someone to come and clear the overgrown borders in the garden so we can get those tidied up. He agreed. He said he wouldn’t arrange a skip to come while it was the Easter holidays because we wouldn’t be able to fill it with her around. He would, I wouldn’t. I agreed. But he could have booked it. His first day off, second day back at school we were hoping to spend a bit of time together. My daughter’s school was closed. I had to support her for the day. He still had a day free. He did nothing of note that day just had a relaxing day off at home. The next day I had a few minutes and after a bit of googling found a licences waste collection person who came same day. Sorted. That evening he said, now you have taken the job I was going to do what do you want me to do instead? Taken? What do I want him to do? This is exactly the issue. Look around and pick a job! There’s plenty!!
2. I have been plucking up courage to speak to GP about how I’m feeling for a while. When I told him I said I think they’ll offer meds but i don’t know if I want to because my situation isn’t going to change and I’m worried I’d be on them indefinitely. He flippantly said don’t take them then. Fast forward to yesterday and I finally went. They did offer meds but warned they could make me suicidal. The doctor wasn’t really interested in my situation , I realise they are busy , but I felt a bit disappointed that there was no empathy and my concerns didn’t feel heard there either (maybe this is a me issue!). After the conversation my daughter became dysregulated and ended up throwing a cup of coffee up the wall. My husband said where’s the number for the doctor she’s just chucked coffee everywhere, I said why does that need a doctor and he said no for me. I am I over sensitive or was that completely insensitive?
3. I am currently researching PDA parenting strategies as I have realised my daughter ticks every box. He know this, he knows I’m reading books that are in the house. A few time I’ve said later I’ll tell you what I learned today. And then when I come down from bedtime, our only proper chance to talk he’ll say right shall I put he TV on. Again am I over sensitive to think he might ask or make space for me to tell him or even pick up one of the books himself and learn how to better support me and her?

Sorry it’s so epic! I’d really appreciate a sounding board and like I say some perspective before I raise any of this again!

Sorry I’ve realised I wasn’t clear for number two I meant after the conversation when I told him what happened with the gp.

It sounds a bit of a joyless existence at the moment.. I'm not sure dragging him down is necessarily the answer. Try taking the medication, it's worth a try.

You seem to be asking if you're right to feel how you feel.

Do you think your feelings are supposed to fit into some sort if guidelines?

If you don't like the way he eats yoghurt, and you tell him, then if he's respectful to you and it's important to you, he'll make amendments. It's not about whether you're 'right' to dislike the way he eats yoghurt; it's about respect.

It sounds like life is pretty tough for you now, OP. Can you go back to the GPs and maybe see a different doctor? It feels like you need as much support as you can get, and maybe your DH won't be able to provide it all. I wonder whether there are any SEND support groups local to you that you could access? It sounds like it would be really helpful to be in touch with some people who are in a similar boat to you.

From what you've written here, he sounds like he is a kind and supportive partner. He supports the family financially, he cooks and cleans up when he gets home, he is loving and affectionate. In your shoes I probably wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater by expecting him to be super-efficient about sorting the garden rubbish or read up on PDA parenting strategies. Everybody has different strengths, and nobody is perfect. He is working FT, pulling his weight at home, and also needs time to chill out.

Honestly, I do agree that your life sounds overwhelming, but he sounds like a saint.

He works full time, does the cooking, washes up, tidies round. It sounds like life is tough for him, yet he is kind and affectionate towards you. He is not your DDs father (you don't mention the elder one at all?) and you admit he doesn't have a 'dad' role in her life. I'm not surprised he wanted a day off for once, rather than organising a pile of rubbish that has been there for ever - is it really vital that it is sorted?

What really struck me about your post is that your entire life revolves around one of your ND children and you are exhausted.

But your DH is carrying the entire financial burden for the household unaided, doing a lot of domestic chores and it is clear that none of you see him as 'Dad'. I'm wondering why he sticks around, to be honest. His life sounds miserable. Even when you finally come down for the evening you want to talk about your Dd. He is excluded from parenting but supposed to care as much as you do about her welfare. She seems to be your entire life and you have no room for him (or yourself to be fair) but you want him to spend the little time together talking about how he can support you and your DD. That feels utterly unreasonable.

Thank you this is exactly what I needed. I’m getting hung up on details that don’t matter aren’t I? There is a support group I’ve been told about a little drive away I will prioritise trying to contact them. I haven’t totally ruled out the meds but when someone is so dependent on you the risk of getting worse before better worries me. I’ll give it some more thought though. Thanks I appreciate the honesty.

Just to add he isn’t carrying the entire financial burden at all. He works but we also claim universal credit and my children have disability related benefits for their needs too. I hear what you are saying though.

He ask isn’t excluded from parenting her, it isn’t that simple at all but again I hear you.

my oldest daughter does have a dad in her life. She had her own needs that I also support. I home educate her as she could not cope at school for example but yes currently my youngests needs do dominate the family. I am working extremely hard to find ways to change that and bring more balance but it’s by no means easy.

Message received though. Chill out and ease up.

I think it sounds really difficult, and I don’t blame you for feeling overwhelmed.
however it feels like your set up is that he isn’t a parent. And now suddenly it’s no longer working for you that you don’t have support in being a parent. Which is absolutely fair enough but I think you need to communicate more what you need. Like if you say I’ll tell you what I learned later - could you not just tell him then? Or when he offers to put the tv on say could I speak to you about what I’ve learned first?

it does sound like he’s carrying the full financial load of the house, and he’s doing plenty of housework, cooking, laundry etc. But he just isn’t fully your partner in everything. I do think you maybe need to see what he is bringing to the table, and if you want more from him, you also need to include him. You can’t keep him at arms length from parenting but also expect him to be as involved and across their needs as you.

I think you are right about communicating better yes.

His role with her isn’t about me keeping her at arms length as such. It is genuinely much more complex than that and there are multiple good reasons why their relationship has developed as it has that wouldn’t be appropriate for me to discuss here.

I don’t mean to imply the relationship is simple and you’ve chosen this, but nevertheless that is where you are. You’re their primary carer, you’re their only carer in fact as you say he isn’t a parent. But what you’re asking of him now (or so it sounds) is to coparent with you, to be as across the situation as you are, to care as much as you do, to think about it and discuss it and be as interested as you. But that isn’t the relationship, it is hard for him to know now that the goalposts are changing. If you need it to change (or marginally change, as much as is possible) you have to be aware of the current situation and what he has grown to know and accept, and be clear what you’re looking for instead now.

@Pumpkindoodles you are spot on. Thank you. This is precisely what I needed to hear.

It sounds really really tough and I am not surprised you are frazzled and that your relationship with your partner is strained.

It does sound like your child's care needs are a lot higher than might have been predicted. Are you able to get respite care for her?

It seems unreasonable to me that you are providing this amount of care.What you are doing is amazing. But you should have additional help from services.

@Gallowayan ive been shouting for respite forever. No luck. Getting support is like wading through treacle. I swing between putting all my energy into trying to get support or just battening down the hatches and getting on with it ourselves. Things are tough. We do have support in the form of therapy for her which is something at least.

It's not the point of your post - but there some really active and supportive Facebook pages for PDA.

I genuinely know quite how exhausted that you feel

@ninja I joined one recently but I’ll definitely have a search for others. Thank you.