Am I being unfair?

[ThisAmusedOtter]

Hi,
I'm looking for some advice/opinions. I have been with my husband for 19 years, we have 2 children together. We've had our ups and downs but the main issue is our relationship has always revolved around money. We are now in a position where we both earn the same amount and when moving 3 years ago we agreed to split any household costs and anything the children needed 50/50, we didn't do this previously and is where our issues were. Anyway, fast forward 3 years and I'm sick and tired of trying to explain to my husband that yes we split the households 50/50 but that's where it stops. I'm left to cover anything else, food, school trips, bus fees for the kids to get to school, birthdays Christmas for the whole family and on top of that. It's not got to a point where I'm having to pay for food on credit cards. I have brought this up with my husband who has spare cash every week unlike me and his attitude is, you got yourself into debt not me. I'm at my witts end and don't know what to do. Today he came home and said he had been given a big tip, when I asked if he could contribute towards our daughters birthday and went mad at me stating why is it when he says he has cash I always ask for it 😒 please can someone help

How does he justify not paying towards your child's birthday or food?

Maybe just don't buy food for the house.
Feed yourself and the children out of the house.

Honestly I wouldn't stay with someone who was too stupid or cruel to understand that their children had to be bought food.

I certainly wouldn't be be providing him with a penny of food.

Work out what you paid out each month on the DC etc and take this away from your household expenses contribution. Don't get into another discussion with him.

Just show him your bank statement and tell him your money going on the kids.

Tell him he needs to step up or you'll be off.

then stop doing it! as soon as the money runs out of the joint account, go to him and ask him for money. when the bills come in for school trips, put them on the table and ask for half. when booking holidays and christmas.. give him the receipts and ask for half back

I couldn't live like that. It's like having a household comptroller refusing approval of reasonable shared expenditure. Either each decision favouring the comptroller's funds so the expenditure is always allocated to your budget.

This is financial abuse op

Sounds like you’d get a decent amount of child maintenance if you got rid of him. There is nothing attractive about a man so tight he’d rather be mean to his wife than pay for his child’s birthday present.

Unbelievable some men are such tossers.

OP, stop right now, work out how much all the food and bits cost each month and tell him, this is being deducted from what you currently contribute or that's it, he can move out and you'll file for divorce. Do not waiver, tell him straight it is financial abuse and coercive control.

I hope you are on the mortgage and deeds to your home if buying or if renting your name on tenancy and stop using your credit card please.

Why do you have this setup? Why not put everything into one account and then you each get paid out an allowance for personal spending every month? That amount has to be low enough that the joint account has enough to cover all the household and child expenses.

He doesn't, every time I bring it up it ends up in an argument.

He's a bad husband, a bad father and a rubbish mathematician because he doesn't even understand what 50/50 means.

This is how it was suppose to be. We have a joint account that covers the house hold bills which we pay into but anything outside of that he won't give me money for, there's always an excuse or reason. I've just reached a point where I'm not sure how this can continue and can only see it ending up one way

Have you told him that the DC are not your hobby to fund?

Seems like there is not enough put into the joint account to cover monthly costs so start with changing that.

Am I stupid that I never realised this was a form of control until a few people on here have said it. My fear is he's so stubborn that he just want put anymore in the bill account and then we'll start missing paying our mortgage etc which I am on. I don't think I genuinely have realised how bad this is until I've reached out

He's not willing to share the costs of your dd's birthday?!

As pps have said, he's financially abusive and a fucking dick to boot.

Yes it is financial abuse and controlling behaviour. You are married, should be a team in all senses, not him cocklodging in the marriage expecting you to pay above and beyond.

I agree with this. It's financial abuse.

How is food not a household bill? DP and I both pay into a joint account each month, it covers all our shared expenses (rent, utilities, food) We pay for our cars and mobile phone bills from our personal accounts. We tend to pay equally for the extras without consciously doing so, just whoever organises it, pays. We’d never have the other struggle though, your DH doesn’t sound like a team player