Identifying and communicating needs

[Llama14]

As some background, I have cptsd and a disorganised attachment style. I am trying to work on communicating my needs with my partner which I'm finding difficult as this was met with either indifference, violence or silent treatment as a child. Hoping some securely attached people or anyone really can help.

The problem is I don't really know what my needs are now. I need to feel safe and secure but I imagine this is universal? How do you identify what your individual needs are? Can anyone give me examples so I can see what I relate to?

Secondly, how do you communicate these with your partner. Is this a specific conversation you sit down and have or just when things come up?

I relate to this, but I feel like your comment suggests you're trying to "make yourself normal" and aren't really sure what normal is.

What is driving your desire to change? Start from there.

For me personally, I don't ask for much. My desire to change was driven by my partner's cries for needing to feel like I was emotionally engaged with the relationship, as I tended to withdraw and "self-soothe" when stressed or emotional.

I needed my partner to be more responsive to me and not get overwhelmed by me showing sadness or stress just because he wasn't used to it and didn't know how to deal with it. If he didn't give me the support I needed, I wouldn't seek it anywhere. So I didn't feel I needed anything. But he felt upset not knowing what was going on with me when I was going through a hard time.

So we worked on it a lot and got into a lot of arguments and it's been about 5 years of working through that and we're both much better with each other and much happier. I ask for hugs and for listening and not fixing and he is better at trying to do that without getting overwhelmed, because he feels safer doing it.

I know this sounds like it was a journey very centred on my partner, but it was a starting point for me learning about my own needs - which I still consider 'wants' or just things that would make my life experience easier. If you've been taught that your place in life is to tolerate everything and serve other people then that might just be your foundation.

IMO it's ok to never feel like you need anything, and to feel a bit greedy for wanting and asking for things, and doing just that.

I have C-ptsd. My DP knows not to ever joke-startle me, or laugh if I flinch at sudden noises, he’ll warn me before starting machinery etc, knows reassurance helps at times when I feel unsafe due to flashbacks, knows there is a large chance I will suddenly cry uncontrollably even if we are just out and about having a nice time as I’m not in control of it. My ex refused to step foot out of the house with me in case I tested up and ‘people’ then thought he’d been the cause. DP just holds me and always carries a handkerchief for my eyes; regardless of who is looking or judging.

We love and respect each other and talk, and listen. That helps the most - knowing we care enough to try and understand each other’s problems and needs.

Determining your individual needs can be a difficult process, especially if you have trauma from your past. Try to start by being aware of your emotions and reactions to different situations. Write down what worries you or what brings you joy. This can help you understand what exactly is important to you. Once you have identified your needs, discuss them with your partner. The main thing is to be open and honest in communication, even if it seems difficult.